Thursday, June 28, 2012

Why Grace Should Be A Family Name....

A couple weeks ago, I wrote Why They Call Me Grace. Since then I've been reminded of some stories I left out and, that in all certainty should've passed the name on to both of my children.  

Actually not even 30 minutes after I wrote and published that post, I went to pick Slou up at a friends house and when I pulled in the driveway, the first thing I see is Wonder Mom (her friend's mom & a good friend of mine) wetting a paper towel with the water hose.  The second thing I see is Slou standing in the garage, legs spread and arms out...stiff, like she's afraid to move.  I know this scene.  I've lived it an infinite number of times. Many mom's would probably slam the car into park and jump out as quickly as possible, I on the other hand am so used to seeing this that I calmly and leisurely get out of my car and say "Are you bleeding?" to Slou, to which Wonder Mom answers "No!!" <---She's very aware of our balance deficiency and was joking rather than lying.  I get to the garage and she has blood running all the way from both knees down to her ankles...and her knees looked like they'd been making out with a cheese grater.  They had been trying to save the tadpoles in their little backyard pond and she was running (in crocs) down their pebbled walk way, with water and a tadpole cupped in her hands.  I don't have to spell it out for know where I'm going with this.  "But I still saved the tadpole mama!!!"  Oh praise God!!  She went on to fall 4 more times that weekend, resulting in first aid HELL!!!

Last Friday,  Wonder Mom calls me after swim practice to give me a heads up.  "You're gonna be getting a call from one or both.  I'm not sure if Beelay said something to Slou to set her off, but she was chasing Beelay around the pool deck and slapped her HARD.  Beelay stubbed her toe on something.  It's pretty bad...but I don't think it needs stitches."  Ten minutes later I get the's Beelay.  I stop her before she starts.  "I don't want to hear about it.  I have a feeling that if I knew the whole truth, both of you would be in serious trouble.  Rinse it with peroxide and I'll look at it when I get home."  Eventually, I did take her to urgent care a couple days later just for them to give it a good cleaning and put her on antibiotics.

Now for the lost chapters of me falling from grace.....

Lollipop was sweet enough to remind me of my gravel facial that I received my senior year in high school.  I was down at my now ex-in-laws (we'll call them the outlaws for shiggles) farm.  It was hunting season and the guys were all in the woods until late, leaving me and one of the others girlfriends at the house for way too many hours unsupervised.  We kinda helped ourselves to JD's Jack Daniels...and I hardly have any recollection of the guys ever coming out of the woods that evening.  The story goes, we took a little ride down the dirt roads...back into the chalk mines (fun times).  We were all just hanging out by the trucks and shootin the shit.  When my now ex-husband turned his head for 30 seconds, I hit the ground face first.  All I can tell you is that was the worst case of facial road rash I've ever seen (mainly because I've not seen much).  This was when I became a firm believer in the magic that neosporin has mixed into it's ointment.  Of course when I got home, my story to my mom was that I'd been playing with our puppy Highball and that he'd tripped me...she knows the truth now. PS: I've avoided Jack Daniels ever since.

Then there was the time that I was getting out of a friend's truck, in the rain, in flip flops and my foot slipped right off of the step rail and toe first into the pavement.  I ended up with such a bad infection under my toenail that they had to remove it TWICE, because when it grew back the first grew wrong!!  

Oh, we can't leave out the time I was pumping gas at Kroger...and instead of walking around the car, I decided to carefully hurdle the gas hose.  Ummm, yeah...I landed on all fours and scraped both my knees and palms.  Thank GOD I didn't see anyone I knew.  That was stone cold sober...broad daylight on a Sunday afternoon.

And then you count up all of the countless times I fell off my bike, twisted my ankle, grated my knuckles with the cheese grater, stubbed toes, slammed my own fingers in my own car door (yes, Clarance...I've done it to myself too) and many other painful & careless actions.  Surprisingly I'm still a pretty good driver though....I know it's SHOCKING!!  Rest assured I'll be the first to let you know circumstances of the next time I suffer self-inflicted injuries.  Until then, please follow me here and on Facebook and take a minute to click on the banner below to cast your vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs!!!

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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My Acceptance Speech....My First EVER Blog Award!!

I'd like to thank my friend 1 Bad Mom for nominating me for my very first ever blog award.  I'm beyond excited...I might have even peed a little!!!  Kidding...kinda.  This just brings me one step closer to ruling the WORLD!!!

Here are the rules:  

1. Choose 5 up & coming blogs to pass the Liebster Award on to.  Each blog must have less than 200 followers. 

2. Show your thanks & appreciation to the blogger than gave you the award by  linking back to them.

3. Share 5 random facts about yourself.

4. Post the award to your blog.

And the winners are:
Cup Of Tea And A Blog 
I Could Have Been Mother Of The Year 
A Not So Small Town Housewife 
Too Smart For Her Own Good 
WTF Am I Thinking 

Random Gracelessness (It's a my world):
1. I had french toast for dinner last night and woke myself up at 3am burping up syrup.  It was NASTY the second time around.

2. My new favorite summer song is Pontoon by Little Big Town...mainly because when they sing "Party in slow motion, out here in the open, mmmm motorboatin'" I get a mental picture of...well, someone motorboatin.  See, told ya I'm inappropriate.

3. I'm not interested in doing product reviews or give aways.  The sole purpose of my blog is to share my story...thoughts, dreams, heartaches and laughter.

4. Having a sick & twisted sense of humor is making parenting harder and harder.  Keeping a straight face when I hear "Mom, she just tried to put her toe in my butthole!!" is damn near impossible.  Even though I know hope she didn't really do any such thing...I give it my best effort at staying stone-faced while reprimanding them (secretly crying tears of laughter).

5. I'm afraid my newest addiction might be tie-dye.  We tie-dyed 2 tank tops each last week.  1 rainbow and 1 camo and a onsie for my I look at everything and wonder how it would look tie-dyed.  Beelay wants to tie-dye her sheets...and I secretly want to say YES!!!

I hope you'll all take a minute to go check out the blogs I've picked to pass the Liebster award on to.  While you're at it, click on the banner below to help me climb closer to the top in my rankings.  Thank you again to 1 Bad Mom for thinking enough of my blog to find me deserving of this award...and thank you all for continuing to read my insanity.

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Monday, June 25, 2012

Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 3

For those of you just joining this circus you can read part 1 here and part 2 here.  Where we left off in part 2, I was totally relying on the recollection of others.  My last cognitive memory was of us leaving Club La Vela.  The next thing I remember is Chiquita waking me up at 7:30 am with a bottle of water and some advil...good thing she still loved me after the night before.  I was still fully clothed...bra and everything.  Lollipop was peacefully dreaming next to me and all I could think was "What the hell happened?" And then we were all asking "Where the hell is the key?"  Thank God nobody else realized it, but we did leave the door unlocked for the remainder of our stay.

Who's great idea was it to do a 9am dolphin cruise to Shell Island?  Oh wait, that was me...wasn't it?  Obviously I wasn't taking into consideration that we'd probably be suffering from "Rockstar-itus" and then the fact that there was a boat involved.  SHIT!!!  I jumped up and showered and brushed the fowlness out of my mouth and put on my big girl panties and brave face.  Let's do this bitches.

Lollipop and I gave it our best effort and really didn't even start feeling the rumblies until after we left Shell Island and were on our return voyage back to the mainland.  I'm not sure what thoughts were running through her head while she was laying flat on her tummy with her face buried in her arms...but I know I was watching the open water giving myself a silent pep talk.  "You can do this.  No more yacking.  Deep breaths.  We're almost there."

By 3pm we finally made it back to the condo...and after doing a floor to ceiling search of our purses, suitcases, drawers, there was still no sign of our key.  Oh well, time to partake in some of the hair of the dog that bit me.  Drink up!!  We spent the rest of the day lounging on the beach...and me nodding off several times and being woken up by my own snores.

I'll tell you now, that I'm medicated.  Daily I take my ADHD meds, claratin, my anti-depressant & a multi-vitamin...and a sleeping pill at night.  Don't judge me...they make my life and those around me much much much more bearable.  Before we left town, I counted out all of my meds for the weekend and threw them in a zip-loc baggy...not exactly the best idea (I know this), but it's better than taking ALL of my meds with me and them some how getting lost.  Well I noticed around 8ish that my claratin and my sleeping pill looked an awful lot alike.  AAAHA!!!  That partially explains my comatose state and my sporadic naps throughout the day.  Oops.

By 9pm, we're all showered and once again sitting around the table reading our books and discussing the fact that we're spending our last night at the beach doing the most LAME thing ever.  Then it hits us.  Let's go catch crabs!!  There's probably a reason you only go crabbing at the dark.  Could you imagine the number of America's Funniest Home Videos entries there would be if there was light?  You've got 4 grown women chasing crabs on the beach with no tools, other than our flashlights.  Obviously Chiquita and Lollipop have the bigger balls in our group...because I was happy spotting them and chasing them and letting the others actually catch them.  BUT then we all started giving Sunflower hell about being a chicken and squealing like a girl...and I realized I was the pot calling the kettle black.  All the sudden I grew a tiny little set and decided I was gonna be brave for a sec and just snatched that clawed little bastard right out of Lollipop's hand. FUCK!!!!!  I'd gone almost the whole trip without getting hurt and now I've got blood running down my finger!!  Yeah, turns out you're not supposed to grab them near their eyeballs.  Who knew?

Sadly our little escape was coming to an end. The next morning we packed up the car and cleared out the condo...all of us with thoughts of the $40 lockout fee in the backs of our minds.  When Lollipop saved the day...she found the damn key up under the nightstand.  Of course, we're certain she's the one that tossed it really she was just saving her own ass.  

We (I) needed to make 2 stops before we hit the road.  Target, because I spotted that they had recycling bins and I'm green dammit!!  I did my best to save all of our beer cans and bottles...even though my fellow clowns weren't much help.  Of course, I'm used to the recycling man picking all of mine up at the curb....I had no idea I was supposed to like rinse them out and shit before I took them to Target.  Oops, that kinda left a wet, stinky mess.  My bad.  And second stop, Ron Jon's to pick up some t-shirts for my offspring.  It hits me while we're browsing...I manage to keep it together long enough for all of us to finish our shopping.  Thank GOD for Sunflower asking where the nearest bathroom is...ACROSS THE STREET!?!?!  WTF?!?!  RUN!!!!!!!

You wanna talk about a power pooper?  We all walked in together, but by the time everyone else was done peeing, flushing and exiting their stalls...I'd already pooped, flushed, washed my hands and was waiting for their slow asses.  TMI you say? Well, too bad...that's how we roll!!!

The trip home was rather uneventful other than the flipped over car in Dothan, AL, the trip through the hood in Columbus, GA and seeing Mr. Ed whip his hair back and forth (if you don't have kids, look up Willow Smith's song)...We even missed our exit (on purpose) to get this pic.


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Friday, June 22, 2012

Heavy Hearts & The Power of Prayer

I know you're all anxiously waiting for the 3rd and hopefully final installment of Clowns Gone Wild - A Girls Trip.  But today my heart just isn't light enough to write about the silly parts of my life.  My heart is heavy.  If you haven't already read I F#CKING HATE CANCER you should, before you read any further.

Our Soldier Boy has been participating in a clinical trial.  With this particular trial, they require MRI's every 4 weeks.  The theory is that IF the trial is working, there MUST be a remarkable decrease in the size of his tumors.  When he went in for his first 4 week scan, there was no documentable change.  But they did the scan a little early because of the rapid growth between the last 2 previous scans.  That being said, they opted to keep him in this particular trial for another 4 weeks.

Well, last Friday was THE DAY either we see progress or we walk away from the trial.  My heart is physically shattering as I write this next sentence.  There are so many new seed tumors that they can't even count them and there is a new mass forming at the base of his spine.  The trial wasn't working.

Today our Soldier Boy and his mama and his whole army of doctors are meeting to discuss what their options are and whether there will be another plan of attack.  Please, please, please pray that there is!!  Until we know more, we have decided not to share the weight of this horrible news with our children.  As of right now, he's still a happy, gassy little boy...and we want him and all of the kids to enjoy every chance they get with each other, not worried and sad.  So please, if you're around any of us that are close to this situation; double check for little ears before you bring it up.

I'm so thankful that God brought this crazy little stinker into my life.  Because of him so many people have been touched and brought closer as a family and an army.  He has brought the good out in so many and we should all be proud to say we are on "Team Soldier Boy".  Feel free to share this with others and ask them for their prayers too.


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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 2

Click here if you missed part 1 of this comedic tale....

After Chiquita read part 1, the following IM conversation took place:

C: Part 1 almost made me cry.  I can't wait to read part 2.  Just don't forget I almost choked you too.
G: I know.  Don't worry.  I wanna make sure everyone knows I got my payback.
C: Do you need me to proof it or are you gonna write it from your beer goggles mind set.
G: I'll let you proof it...but I may keep my goggles on, so I don't feel quite so stupid.
C: Don't forget one of the reasons your readers love you is because you can laugh AT YOURSELF!!
G: Don't yell at me!!!

So here goes nothing...I hope by the end you'll be laughing WITH me...NOT at me.  I knew there was a reason why I had decided to stick with beer as my drink of choice when in a public setting....the reason had just escaped me, until now.  I should probably mention now, that Lollipop and Chiquita had an agenda.  They're plan was to get me and Sunflower some action.

Friday night we went out to dinner at a nearby restaurant that the condo maintenance guy told Lollipop about...that he happened to bartend at too.  It was delicious!!!  And he sent us on our way with his "Aaron's Pink Lemonade" shot.  As you can see, they look quite tasty....and if you read between the lines, they spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E!!!  

We thought we were we decided to head to the infamous Club Lavela.  Where we quickly realized we were in fact old enough to be most of these people's parents.  So instead of leaving we just drank help us forget we were old.  I admit we had the BEST spot in the bar for people watching.  There was the girl wearing what can only be described as a black & fluorescent lime green spandex mini dress shirt...and boy could she move.  Her friend tried her damnedest to stick close and pull her mini dress shirt back down every time her panties decided to play peek-a-boo with whichever boy's crotch she was bouncing around on...

Several cocktails later, I decided to be silly and go dance by myself...trying to lure any of my friends to join me.  Sunflower finally joined me for a sec...but I guess she hadn't had as many cocktails as me, because she left me.  Then Lollipop came out there with me...and then I left her (maybe...I don't remember).  Next thing I remember is Chiquita and Lollipop working their way to the stage!!!  Then there they are in all their glory...dirty dancing with the little girls that were maybe 5 years older than my oldest child.  While Sunflower and I are trying to take damning pictures of the only 2 of us that are "taken"...Sunflower points out the girl dancing up on the pedestal could pass for Beelay.  CHECK!!!  I'm done...we're leaving.

Here's where it gets a little hazy.  We happened upon a neat little bar...where Lollipop decided to try pimp me and Sunflower out.  ***Damn good thing Chiquita was DD...after all we are responsible adults.  We make a beeline to the bathroom and then the bar.  Lollipop approaches a group of guys and tells this one guy "Go hit on my friend and take your glasses off while you do it."...and he did it!!  He bought me a beer and I straight-faced said "Thank you Scott." and he said "Huh? My name is Ryan...but my friends call me Christ because I'm so giving."  To which I just felt his shirt and said "Well, this feels like cheap linen." <----Huh? WTF was I talking about?  

***I really wish I could share the whole IM convo I'm having right now with Chiquita and Sunflower...trying to clarify what isn't so clear.  

Lollipop was quite the bossy bitch.  When a friend of Ryan Scott Christ went to the other end of the bar to order a drink...she ordered him to come order it by us and told him not to stick his ass out that way.  Turns out he was on the brink of proposing to his girlfriend.  Some how in conversation everyone started comparing their license pictures and he told Chiquita she looked like a Mexican and she called him a racist and decided that his name would be Pedro.  At some point the bar turned into a spa....with massages and all.  Don't ask...because I really don't know.

Then there's the ONLY single guy in the group.  Sweet adorable Danimal...who was maybe 5'2".  I think he really took a liking to Sunflower.  Apparently I was begging to leave the whole time we were there...and I guess I talked Sunflower into leaving (again I have ZERO recollection) of this.  We were sitting in the car when I had this great idea that I was gonna go make out with Christ.  They're saying I threw her to the wolves...and abandoned our plan to escape.  After that I guess it was only fair that after I kissed Christ, he turned and walked away (because he had a girlfriend...who buys a girl a beer, shots and jello shots when they have a GIRLFRIEND?)  Anyway, this must have really burst my bubble...because I then went back to the car and pouted like a 3 year old.

I may have the timing all wrong but Chiquita eventually came out to the car and noticed the midget on the patio, rocking the Bieber bangs...and decided it was time to go before Pimp Mama spotted him and had him stashed under the seat of the car.  Why we all nominated Chiquita to be our DD is beyond me.  Great idea for the most directionally challenged of us all to be the only sober one left to navigate us through a town none of us knew our way around.  She tells me she was on the verge of a full on panic attack when I tried to smother her.  Whatevs.

Lollipop secretly called Jinx while we were lost...but she just sat in the backseat with her phone to her ear.  When asked who she was talking to, she said "nobody"...and when he told her the next day she drunk dialed him, she said "No I didn't." "Who did then?" "Sunflower."  Poor Sunflower just kept getting thrown under the bus.  By the time Chiquita FINALLY got us back to the condo (no thanks to the rest of us drunk assholes), we all had to pee....and I had to PUKE!!  She took a picture of all 3 of us squatting around someone else's car peeing...and me puking.  All you can really see is my WHITE ass...thanks to all the sun I got.  Eventually we made it to the condo...unlocked the door and then the key went missing for the next 24 hours.

We had made a deal that we would all take turns between sleeping in the bed and having to sleep on the pullout.  That night was supposed to be Chiquita and Sunflowers turn...oops, I forgot.  Again, they say....I laid down with my head at the foot of the bed and promptly passed out...

You'll have to wait until part 3 to read about how we wannabe rockstars spent the rest of our vacation.  I really tried to fit it into 2 parts...but there's just too much funniness to share.  Stay tuned....and follow me here, like me on Facebook and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the banner below.  Thanks for reading....hope you've enjoyed.

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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 1

Let me start with this....we are INSANE!!!  We're aware of it...we've embraced it and we rock it!!

We decided to hit the road at 4:30am to road trip it to PCB.  Sure, it's only a 5-6 hour drive and we can't check-in until 4pm...but we were like kids on Christmas Eve.  We didn't care if we had to change into our bathing suits in a gas station bathroom and park at a public beach access....we were gonna have an extra day on the beach.  DAMMIT!!!

So about an hour into our voyage, the adventure begins.  Sunflower had to pee (or wait, maybe I had to poop)!!  We get off the interstate (coincidentally the exit to my Gramma's nursing home) and pull in to the Racetrac parking lot.  The first thing I notice is the half dressed meth head leaned up against a parked car smoking a cigarette.   Turns out there was a whole car load of meth heads.  I'm certain we interrupted a drop off.  By the time we had all peed and grabbed a CAFFEINATED beverage, the half dressed one was clothed and looked like he was headed to a job interview.  As we're about to back out of the parking spot, we notice the Racetrac employee that's standing by the dumpster, puffing away on her cancer stick...and then naturally coughs up a lung and all of the contents of her stomach.  We all concur that we're now leaving the meth capital of Coweta County (Mom, make sure you lock your doors at night) and proud of ourselves for quitting...pretty much together.

Another hour or so and we're all FAMISHED!!  No road trip is complete without a meal at Cracker Barrel.  It was uneventful, except for the fact that we (minus Lollipop) decided to announce Lollipop's engagement to Jinx for them...on FB.  See, she swears that she HATES FB and that she doesn't give a shit about broadcasting her relationship status for the whole world to see...but we know better. We called her bluff and spread the news...she can thank us later, when her stubborn ass realizes that it's okay to brag about an engagement and that it's only insanely psychotic to constantly change it back and forth between "in a relationship", "single" and "it's complicated".

At some point during the trip, Chiquita has an epiphany..."I swear I shaved my legs this morning.  Oh wait, I did...I just forgot this one.  Guess shaving at 2:45am isn't the best idea after all."  Nothing like trying to get comfortable for a long drive and your leg hairs tickling the other leg.

Enough about the drive down there.  Let's get to the fun stuff.  We pull into town about 10:30am...made a stop at Target to stock up on groceries,  hit the liquor store (and got accosted by a cloud from the 90 year old lady's Swisher Sweet cigar...making visibility less than 12" and probability of breathing nil) to grab more beer (bc you know we already had a case iced down) vodka...and wait, porn?  Yes, that's right...this place had shelves and shelves of magazines and videos (not dvd's) of what appeared to be 1980's AIDS inducing porn.  As disappointing as it might be, we did not buy any...but we giggled (and coughed and gasped for air) all the way to the property mgt. office, who were nice enough to let us check in EARLY!!!!

We are finally at the beach...BITCHES!!  First on the agenda, is peach moonshine shots.  YUMMY...and evil!!  After several beers and peach and hours in the sun, turns out Chiquita turns into a feisty bitch.  Who of you are surprised by this?  She ran her mouth all the way to dinner, all during dinner and the whole way back to our condo.  I'm telling you she was out of control...and all of her venom was directly entirely at me.  I was ready to punch her in the face or let her walk her know-it-all ass back to the the end we just snuggled and had a completely random conversation about timeshares and then....poured another drink and gathered around the kitchen table telling stories about family secrets and stories.  I used to think my family was dysfunctional, until I met Lollipop and Chiquita.  I grew up thinking that shit only happened in movies...I was wrong.  Uncles marrying each others girlfriends, cousins blowing up meth trees on the dept. of corrections website.  I could NOT make this shit up!!

Wake up and do it all over again....breakfast, beach, beer, moonshine, more beer, lunch, more beach, beer and moonshine.  We all wanted to go out one night while we were down there...and luckily we do share brain cells to make brilliant decisions sometimes.  We went out Friday if we felt like ca-ca the next day, it wouldn't be the day we had to drive home.  GOOD THINKING!!!!  I should probably do a whole other post about our Friday night shenanigans....and the chaos that ensued.


PS: I wasn't the first one to hurt themselves either....just sayin' 

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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Wine Down Wednesday - Blog Hop

Wine Down Wednesday Blog HopToday I'm joining a new blog hop titled "Wine Down Wednesday".  You can click the button <----over there to link up too...and to visit some other bloggers.  If you're visiting me from the  hop, please leave me a comment so I know!  I'd love to come stalk visit your page too.

Let me take just a couple minutes to introduce myself.  I'm a single mom, raising 2 girls...full of spunk and sass.  I blog to share my experiences whether it be good or bad.  My humor and views may be offensive to some, informative to others and entertaining to most.  I hope you'll stick around and give me a chance to brighten your day.

Now that I've gotten all of the formalities out of the way...HAPPY HUMP DAY Y'ALL!!!  Today is actually my Friday.  This time tomorrow, I'll be half way to the beach with Lollipop, Chiquita & Sunflower.  We're stocked up with peach moonshine, sunscreen & our books.  Do you really need anything else?  After 4 days together, on a beach, with booze...I'm sure there will be plenty of material for me to write about in my next installment of "Clownin' Around PCB Style".

Maybe it's because I'm anxious to get the hell out of Dodge or maybe it's because my patience are just shot or...perhaps I'm surrounded by an abundance of living, breathing things that are begging to be beat, stabbed or choked!!  Everyone (including the animals) in my house last night was driving me INSANE!!!  Slou & Pops were both bickering and tattling on each other and not a single positive thing came out of either of their mouths.  Every time I turned around Cheyenne (my 15 year old puppy) was under my feet or leaving me a puddle to clean up.  I attempted to not let it all get to me...and even tried to cuddle and watch some t.v. with Slou, but just the fact that she couldn't lay still and every time she moved she literally bounced me on my bed...I finally (internally) lost it!!!  I put her to bed at 9pm and cracked open a beer and finally RELAXED while I waited for my laundry to finish.


This morning, I breezed through nothing but green lights...and even saw a hot air balloon coming up the highway.  These 2 things often happen at the same time....a few times a year.  I always say it's a sign of a GREAT day ahead.  As I'm jamming out and getting more and more excited about the weekend and pondering just how AHHH-MAZING my day is gonna be, I pull into my office park and laying all mangled and a bunny rabbit!!!  How does this factor into the equation of my FABULOUS day?  WTF!?!?!

I'm not a tree huggin', anti-huntin' PETA member...but dammit, I am an animal lover and this totally put a big black cloud over my morning.!!!

But that was 5 hours ago!!!  Now I'm on the downward slope of my day!!!  I've got 3 1/2 hours til I'm out of here!!!  Fingers crossed nobody ruins my mood after that.  

Thank you for reading my ramblings today.  If you enjoyed it, please click on the banner below to vote for me.  I'm currently at #22 in my category (humor) and #120 overall.  Every click, every day counts as a vote.  Hope everyone has an awesome weekend...stay tuned for stories of our shenanigans.

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Monday, June 11, 2012

Swans & Playboys...

My parents divorced when I was in high school.  My dad temporarily moved in with my grandparents.  The timing really couldn't have been more perfect.  My grandma had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a couple of years previously and within a couple months of my dad moving in, Pappy had a stroke.  Thank God dad was there!! 

Pappy had been Grandma's sole caregiver and with him no longer able to fill those shoes, it fell on my dad. Some days he took her to an elderly daycare and some days he paid me to come sit with her while he was gone to work.

Grandma was an avid bridge player and swan collector.  She had all of her swans displayed nicely through out the house.  Growing up, we were always told to be careful around Grandma's swans and to NOT TOUCH.  Grandma hadn't had a lucid moment in months (that I was aware of).  This particular day, my brother had come along to keep me company while I stayed with her.  I was probably 17 and he was 13.  Most of the morning we had just been goofing off and playing cards or whatever, while Grandma talked to the t.v. screen (it wasn't turned on) and smoked her imaginary cigarettes.

Again, let me remind you that she hadn't had a rational conversation in a long time.  We were rolling a ball in the living room (we were BORED), not throwing or kicking...just gently rolling a grocery store bouncy ball back and forth to each other.  Grandma yells at us "Are you two looking for a tussle?  Because if you break one of those swans, I'm gonna give you one."  I remember looking at her and actually seeing her in her eyes.  She was there!!  I remember being scared SHITLESS for a minute...and then she was gone again.

We always knew those swans were her pride and joy...and that just nailed it!!  All we could do is laugh.  Grandma was 5' nothing and maybe weighed 90 lbs. and she was threatening to take us over her knee?  She'd been blank for so long and then it's those damn swans that bring her back?  You'd think that would've been the highlight for the day...wrong!

After this we decide to order a pizza for lunch and I went into Pappy's office trying to find the phone book.  I think I may have even called dad at work to ask where the phone book would be.  So I'm down on my hands and knees looking under Pappy's desk...and I see a bunch of magazines.  We're talking 5 piles that were probably 3' tall.  Huh? I've never noticed magazines on the coffee table....or on the nightstand or in the bathroom.  Magazines?  Where the hell is the damn phone book?  Then I pull the top magazine off the pile and sit up and turn the lights was a Playboy magazine circa 1965 (I'm guessing on the year).  There were FIVE 3' piles of Playboy magazines!!!

I was SHOCKED!!!  And gagging and my eyes were on fire!!!  I have no idea what ever happened to those things...I highly doubt dad held onto them, but could you imagine what they'd be worth now!!!  Needless to say, I quit looking for the phone appetite was gone!!!  I'm not a prude or anything, but the thoughts of my Pappy and Playboy in the same scenario...completely scarred me for years.  Now of course I find it HYSTERICAL!!!

And this leads me to my next story.... 

Beelay is staying with my mom for a couple of days.  Following is our FB chat earlier this morning.

B: I found _____'s (my mom's bf) Playboy magazines

Me: Oh.  I knew they were down there somewhere.  I still remember how creeped out I was when I found Pappy's.

B: There are naked women in there. Pretty gross!!!!!

Me:  Yeah, I know.  Just don't look at them...please.  Maybe when you're 16 or something.  They'll be worth a lot of money one maybe they'll be your inheritance.  HAHAHAHA!!!

B: GROSS!!!!  I already looked at them!!!

At this point, I guess I forgot that I was talking to my 13 year old daughter.  I had to stop myself from asking her if any of the pages were stuck together.  GAG!!!  Now she's scarred too...and at a much younger age than I was.  Oh well.  It'll give her something to laugh about when she's older...and her mind has been corrupted by our family's dirty senses of humor. 

Happy Monday!!  Hope everyone has a great week.  Don't forget to follow me here and like me on Facebook

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Friday, June 8, 2012

Why They Call Me Grace....

Ya see, I have this problem...a deficiency really.  My body just doesn't produce nearly enough balance.  I trip over nothing, I fall  up stairs (and down), I run into door jams...the list could really go on and on forever.

But I have a logical explanation.  I was cursed blessed with enormous breasts!!  I mean the boys in my high school named them.  They really needed their own zip code, really.  I had to go to a specialty shop to buy bathing suits.  My tan line for my bathing suit top went half way down my ribs and I had to wear deodorant under those babies. 

So when I was 18, my mom successfully manipulated negotiated with the insurance company into paying for 100% of a breast reduction.  I was, I can't even come up with a word that describes how grateful and overcome with joy I was.  I was finally going to be able to wear shirts that buttoned up and buy those cute bra & panty sets.  People weren't going to only see me for my tatas anymore.

These are not mine...
Well, turns out God gave me these size 9.5 feet to help carry the heavy load of those bitches...and when I downsized, I effed up my equilibrium.  At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Despite the fact that I was the only one that tripped over Buffy's water bowl EVERY time I went over to Katie's house...even though it was ALWAYS in the exact same spot...from the 4th grade on. 

My gracefulness just intensified with my reduction in cup size and increase in SHOT size.  Me and drinking...we've had a hell of a history.  I see it only right that I share some of the better stories of our past.  Knock on wood, I haven't had any graceful disasters lately.

While sitting at our local watering hole...literally SITTING on a bar stool at a table, I was sitting there talking to my friends and leaning on the table.  When (what I can only assume) my elbows slipped off the table and my boot heels got hung up in the rungs of the bar stool...I face planted right there in the floor in front of everyone.  I apparently didn't even try to catch myself.  I think it just happened so fast...I couldn't even react.  I laid there laughing at myself for a solid 5 minutes (along w/ my audience/friends)...half expecting them to pee their pants, when they finally helped me up.

What out for them bushes:
Let me start this one from the end and work my way back.  One morning after a really fun night, Lollipop and I were pulling out of our friend's house that we'd crashed at the night before, when I look down and say "What the hell is on my skirt? It looks like berries or something."  And Lollipop precedes to tell me this: Well when we got here last night, you jumped out of the car and started running towards the front porch...but you weren't exactly running straight.  Your eyes kinda glazed over and you went running past the stairs and right into the bushes.  I could still hear your legs going even though you were flat on your back.  I couldn't get you up because I was laughing so hard.  I had to go get _______ to come carry you inside. Damn you, Jager!!!

Dirt road ditty:
We're all still arguing about this one, because I swear to GOD I wasn't drunk!!  We were out 4-wheeling.  Somebody got stuck and the rest of us were just walking down the trail.  Well Jinx pushed me...not hard, but hard enough to knock me off balance.  He says I fell, because it took me staggering 10 yards between the trail and the embankment before I actually landed.  What he doesn't understand is, that was me trying to steady myself after his push...and FAILING!!!  You pushed me acehole!!!

Worst of all....SOBER!!!:
It was 6:30am on a Tuesday morning.  I was rushing Slou down the stairs to grab breakfast and finish getting ready for school.  There was a nylon sleeping bag bag laying half way up the stairs.  I hit that sucker at full speed and it was like in the cartoons when somebody slips on a banana peel.  In my recollection, I see myself (in slow motion) going up 3' and landing flat on my back...and staying there.  I knew it was bad instantly.  I've never come so close to passing out and throwing up all at the same time.  I broke into a cold sweat.  I couldn't breath without crying.  Thank God my dad was there, otherwise that would've been an ambulance ride...and my girls would've been forced to go along for the ride.  As it was, he took them to school and then came back to take me to the ER.  I broke my T-10 vertabrae.  I was flat on my back in bed for a solid 2 weeks and it took MONTHS for it to heal...and I still have issues from time to time and it's 2 1/2 years later.  Sadly, that was not the first time those stairs kicked my ass...and it wasn't the last either.

So now ya know a little bit more of the story behind the mystery that is Graceful Disaster.  Feel free to share any of your graceful moments or mine that I left out.  Please click follow here and like me on Facebook here. To vote for me on Top Mommy the banner below.  Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend...nobody gets hurt.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Take This Job...

I've tried to refrain from saying much about my job on my know for professional reasons.  But just like I need to write about my children to keep from stabbing their eyes out sometimes, I NEED to write about the insanity that goes on in this I don't accidentally drop rat poison in the coffee pot or slit someones throat walking down the hall.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm thankful for my job and for the most part, I enjoy what I do.  Just like at home, this family is full of dysfunction.

I work with  my sister, but she's obviously out on maternity leave.  So that just leaves me and a washed up princess in the office, most of the time.  I've been here for 12 years, so I know how it works...but that doesn't mean it doesn't drive me batty sometimes.  I must vent...NOW!!!

Monday at 11:25am, I get a text that says "I'll be there later. I was up all night with a stomach thing and I still feel bad.  Gonna lay down a little longer."  No, that's not a was 11:25am!!  See, she's the self-titled "VP of Sales" but she doesn't grace us with her presence until usually 11:30ish.  However, allow me to translate that text for you.  What she really meant was "I'm still drunk from last night.  I smoked 3 packs of cigarettes and I feel like I've been licking newspapers. I forgot to take my dog out last night and he shit all over my house."  She finally called around 2pm to let me know she was just gonna stay home because she still didn't feel good.  Here's where I'm I happy because I've narrowly escaped having to hear her whine about EVERYTHING for the rest of the day? Or am I pissed because yet again, she's not earning her paycheck and forcing me to skip lunch because nobody's here to answer the phone? Bet you thought I was gonna say I was torn about feeling sorry for her ass!!!  WRONG!!!

Then I finally tear the month of May off of my calendar...and I see in GIANT RED letters WUP Hair Appt. @ 1:15 on Tuesday.  Are you effing kidding me?  She's called out with a hangover today....and she's gonna come in here long enough to put on her make-up and feed her dog (yes, those are things she should be doing before she comes to work at 11:30) before she has to leave again.  Guess I'm skipping lunch AGAIN!!!

The best part about doing the jobs of 4 people is your day FLIES by.  Tuesday I was slammed!!  I'm talking...running down the hall with sweat stinging my eyes, multi-tasking like a ROCKSTAR!!!  When I'm about to turn the corner, I'm stopped by the insurance salesman that had called last week.  Here's our conversation (from last week):

Asshat: I Ms. Disaster, My name is Asshat.  Last time we spoke, you had said that all of  your health insurance needs were handled by a friend of yours that is a broker.

Me: Yep, she's still my friend and she's still my broker. (Thinking to myself: If you take such good notes WTF are you wasting my time AGAIN?)

Asshat: Well since we last spoke, we've added quite a few new services and money saving tools to our program.  I've got an appointment right around the corner from you next week.  If you've got 5 minutes to spare, I'd love to just drop off some information.

Me: I really don't have 5 minutes right now.  I'm really not interested in changing anything either, but if you want to just drop off your info and leave at the front desk...I'll be happy to stick in my file, just in case something changes down the road.

Asshat: Okay.  Thank you and have a blessed day.  (Just because you blessed my day...does NOT mean that you're gonna get my business)

Fast forward back to yesterday morning, me panting and obviously training for a marathon.  In walks Asshat.  SHIT!!!  Here's our conversation:

Asshat: Hi, I'm looking for Ms. Disaster.

Me: That's me.

Asshat: I'm Asshat from HRus.  I'll only take up a few minutes of your time....(I cut him off)

Me: As you can see, I'm really busy here.  I don't have a few minutes to spare right now.  If you want to leave a packet up front...(he cuts me off and tries to breeze into his sales spiel)

Asshat: Okay, well this is a brochure about our company, blah blah blah....(I cut him off as I'm trying to herd him towards the door)

Me:  I'll take a look at it when I have time and I'll give you a call if I have any questions.  

Can you guess where his packet of information is now?

Then today, I FINALLY got to take a lunch break!!!  Of course, I'm broke trying to save I brought my lunch and so I'm not tempted to spend money I don't have, I sit in the empty spare office and read my book.  I do this a lot...I'm not sure why though, because it never fails.  At least one person ALWAYS comes in and wants to ask me a question about work or what I'm reading or they just stand outside the door and talk really loud to each other...making it near impossible for my ADHD brain to focus on what I'm reading.  DAMN YOU PEOPLE!!!  Can't you see I'm NOT at my DESK!?!?! 

All I can say is I can't wait to get a full paycheck for the first time in 4 years!!!  Our hours have been cut for so long, I don't honestly remember the last time I got a check for 8o hours.  So even though I'm slammed, fighting my boss over the thermostat and missing my Fridays OFF...I'm gonna take a deep breath, now that I've gotten that out of my system and finish the rest of my day being thankful that I have a job.

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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I Swore I'd Never Be That Girl...

Ok, so I just read a post on Motherhood Truth. This is my response to her question: How would you feel if you were picking up or dropping off your kid at school and there was someone smoking, right there in plain sight??? 

I started smoking when I was 15.  I'd sneak out my bedroom window and smoke on the roof and then RUN in and hop in the shower...certain that my mom didn't have a clue.  Turns out 15 year old's in fact do NOT know it ALL!!  When I got busted, she pleaded with me..."I loved you enough to quit smoking when I got pregnant with you, love yourself enough to quit now." Blah blah response was "I'll quit when I get pregnant."  She promptly cut me off!!  I mean she made sure I was fed, clothed and didn't go without...but the only money she gave me was enough for lunch money and that was it.  No way was she going to give me an allowance that I in turn would spend on cancer sticks.

So...who knew those words would come back to bite me in the ASS?!?!  I got knocked up at the ripe old age of 20!!  I quit cold turkey...but of course my husband didn't and after I popped that 8 pounder out, I quickly started puffing away again.  I didn't smoke in the car with my baby...but he did.  I didn't smoke in the house...but he did.  Because we were idiots and didn't figure out how it happened the first time...I got knocked up again (kidding...she was planned).  But this time the quitting cold turkey was sooooo much harder.  I probably averaged 3 sticks a day.

I LOVED smoking!!  Especially after my divorce.  It was my escape from reality for a brief 10 minutes at a time.  I could go sit on the back porch (the one who's roof I used to sneak on to) and have a few desperately needed minutes of SILENCE!!!  My girls knew not to bother me when I was out there...they'd patiently wait just inside the door for me.  

As they got older and started school, I was embarrassed that I smoked.  I didn't want any of the other parents to know I smoked.  If they had a friend over, I'd either wait til they left or I'd go hide somewhere and sneak a few puffs.  Then they got to the point where they were embarrassed too.  Beelay didn't even want me to smoke in my car after I dropped them off at school or on my way home from work because one of her friends might see me.

I wanted to quit.  I knew I didn't want to continue setting this horrible example for my kids.  I knew I couldn't afford the rising prices.  BUT dammit...I LOVED it!!!  Finally, on Jan. 1, 2010...I did it!!!  I quit!!  I swore I'd never be that girl though.  The judgmental former smoker that thought "If I can do it, so can you."  The one in the group that would say "I really don't wanna go there because it's so smoky."  Guess what?  I became that girl...usually silently, but all of those thoughts were there (they still are).

I was always respectful of non-smokers.  So when I ran to the bagel shop the other day to pick up lunch and these two guys were standing right at the door, shooting the shit and puffing PISSED ME OFF!!  It wasn't raining, it wasn't was a beautiful day!!!  Why not walk away from the everyone walking in or out or who was sitting right inside the door, didn't have to inhale your pollution?  

So when I read Motherhood Truth's post...I had to answer!!!  Besides it being prohibited, I think it's disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant and foolish for parents to even think about smoking in the carpool line...or in the parking lot or on the playground or soccer field.  WAKE UP!!!  It's 2012!!  I don't think smoking should be banned.  I don't think that smokers should be butt raped by taxes.  If they want to smoke...have at it!!  Hell, smoke one for me...but seriously people, don't force it on those that have chosen to take their health seriously!!!

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Friday, June 1, 2012

Insanity...What happens when the meds wear off!!!

I'm the proud, semi-patient, exhausted parent of 2 children that suffer from ADHD.  I too have been diagnosed...and we're all medicated!!!  THANK GOD!!!  Without it, I picture us all running around like the Tasmanian devil...wreaking havoc everywhere we go.  I envision my friends and family running when they see us coming.  

I'm a firm supporter in medicating...EVERY DAY, even during the summer.  My pediatrician always gives me a "look" when I admit that I make them take their meds even when there's no school. My explanation is simple.  Without their meds, they'd be in trouble ALL THE TIME!!!  (I'd be insane or DRUNK all the time) To which the doc responds with "they're both getting old enough, they should be learning how to exercise self-control"...and the "look" she gives me says "maybe you're not disciplining well enough or you're just lazy".  

That's easy for her to say.  I'd be all for trying alternatives to medication...if it was ONLY me or ONLY one of them...but there are 3 of us!!  On the days when by chance one of the girls has forgotten to take their meds, WATCH OUT!!!  Not only will she do everything in her power to drive her sister nuts...she will succeed!!  Some body's going to get hurt...either because all common sense has left the building or because the medicated child will finally have enough and ultimately decide that retaliation is imminent and the gloves are coming off!!!  Ding ding ding...

Let me give you an example of what it's like when Slou's meds have worn off for the day.  A couple nights ago, we went out to dinner.  Just me, Slou and my dad.  The child's words were coming out of her mouth so fast that it's amazing she didn't hyperventilate.  She was talking about NOTHING and everything all at the same time.  I finally had to tell her on the way home that I needed 5 minutes of silence.  She said "But I'm just trying to make conversation."  "Honey, I'm completely 100% comfortable with the silence." I could tell her feelings were a little wounded...but apparently not enough to SHUT HER UP!!  She sat in the backseat and quietly read street signs to herself...and rambled on with listing the store names of each shopping center we passed.  At least she was quietly talking to herself and not expecting me to keep up with her and respond to any of her nonsense.  When we got home, I sent myself to time out and read in my room until my blood pressure had returned to normal.

Fast forward to last night.  I'm not positive Beelay even took her medicine yesterday because she spent the night out and I of course was already gone to work when she got home.  By 13 years old she should be responsible enough to remember to take her meds.  Anyway, she was gone over to Auntie's when I slowed down by the house for Slou to hop in for me to haul ass to her swim meet.  I had volunteered to do swimmer check-in and had to be there by 4pm.  So after working thru lunch, flying to the meet, signing in a gazillion kids, then supervising 16ish 9-10 year old girls in the bull pin for the first half (with the help of another cool mom)...and cheering on my swimmer the second half, I was DONE!!!  8 hours at work followed by another 5 hours sweating my ass off surrounded by swarms of rowdy screaming kids...I wanted nothing more than to just go home and go to BED!!!

I gotta throw this in because it is funny...even if it doesn't fit into my rant.  Before I could go home, I had to swing by and pick Beelay up at my sister's and of course steal a couple minutes of snuggle time with Squirt.  Anyway, we get there and B is laying in Auntie's bed holding Slou and I pile in too.  Next thing ya know, Auntie's climbing in the bed and pulling out her enormous "girls" to pump.  That's family there y'all!!!  We're all hanging out on the bed...including her dog, while she's pumping and her hubs is standing there chitchatting with us...waiting for a spot to open up for him to grab a seat too.  

So I'm finally successful in herding my HYPER children into the car and get home around 10ish.  I'm EXHAUSTED and want nothing more than to lay in bed and read or watch tv ALONE!!  Beelay was so cracked out...I'm almost certain no meds reached her bloodstream yesterday.  She's bouncing on my bed, she's slapping my boobies, she's running up and down the hall...I finally see my opportunity and I slam my door and LOCK it!!  Both children cry at my door for a minute about how mean I am and that I haven't even tucked Slou in yet...whah whah whah!!!  GO AWAY!!!  

All the sudden it's QUIET!!!  I suspected that they'd gone to find a wire hanger that they could bend and use to pick my's SUPER easy to break into my room.  Well, I thought WRONG!!  I'm laying there finally relaxing when I hear a little scratch scratch at my window...and all the sudden it's OPEN!!  Beelay had climbed out her bedroom window and scaled the house (it's actually the roof of the front porch) over to my bedroom window.  WTF?!?!  Seriously?!?!?!  I know she loves me and all...but at this point it's not even about her wanting to spend time with me, it's about her ability to stop herself has evaporated.  I screamed a cuss word or two at her and she quickly went back to her room...and any of my neighbors that might've been outside probably called DFACS.  But dammit...I sure did sleep good last night.

Happy Friday everyone.  Hope you have a fab weekend and that I don't resort to duct tape and gags to get some peace.  Follow the button to Top Mommy Blogs to help me rise in their rankings and follow me here and on Facebook.  Later y'all!!  

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