Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 1

Let me start with this....we are INSANE!!!  We're aware of it...we've embraced it and we rock it!!

We decided to hit the road at 4:30am to road trip it to PCB.  Sure, it's only a 5-6 hour drive and we can't check-in until 4pm...but we were like kids on Christmas Eve.  We didn't care if we had to change into our bathing suits in a gas station bathroom and park at a public beach access....we were gonna have an extra day on the beach.  DAMMIT!!!

So about an hour into our voyage, the adventure begins.  Sunflower had to pee (or wait, maybe I had to poop)!!  We get off the interstate (coincidentally the exit to my Gramma's nursing home) and pull in to the Racetrac parking lot.  The first thing I notice is the half dressed meth head leaned up against a parked car smoking a cigarette.   Turns out there was a whole car load of meth heads.  I'm certain we interrupted a drop off.  By the time we had all peed and grabbed a CAFFEINATED beverage, the half dressed one was clothed and looked like he was headed to a job interview.  As we're about to back out of the parking spot, we notice the Racetrac employee that's standing by the dumpster, puffing away on her cancer stick...and then naturally coughs up a lung and all of the contents of her stomach.  We all concur that we're now leaving the meth capital of Coweta County (Mom, make sure you lock your doors at night) and proud of ourselves for quitting...pretty much together.

Another hour or so and we're all FAMISHED!!  No road trip is complete without a meal at Cracker Barrel.  It was uneventful, except for the fact that we (minus Lollipop) decided to announce Lollipop's engagement to Jinx for them...on FB.  See, she swears that she HATES FB and that she doesn't give a shit about broadcasting her relationship status for the whole world to see...but we know better. We called her bluff and spread the news...she can thank us later, when her stubborn ass realizes that it's okay to brag about an engagement and that it's only insanely psychotic to constantly change it back and forth between "in a relationship", "single" and "it's complicated".

At some point during the trip, Chiquita has an epiphany..."I swear I shaved my legs this morning.  Oh wait, I did...I just forgot this one.  Guess shaving at 2:45am isn't the best idea after all."  Nothing like trying to get comfortable for a long drive and your leg hairs tickling the other leg.

Enough about the drive down there.  Let's get to the fun stuff.  We pull into town about 10:30am...made a stop at Target to stock up on groceries,  hit the liquor store (and got accosted by a cloud from the 90 year old lady's Swisher Sweet cigar...making visibility less than 12" and probability of breathing nil) to grab more beer (bc you know we already had a case iced down) vodka...and wait, porn?  Yes, that's right...this place had shelves and shelves of magazines and videos (not dvd's) of what appeared to be 1980's AIDS inducing porn.  As disappointing as it might be, we did not buy any...but we giggled (and coughed and gasped for air) all the way to the property mgt. office, who were nice enough to let us check in EARLY!!!!

We are finally at the beach...BITCHES!!  First on the agenda, is peach moonshine shots.  YUMMY...and evil!!  After several beers and peach and hours in the sun, turns out Chiquita turns into a feisty bitch.  Who of you are surprised by this?  She ran her mouth all the way to dinner, all during dinner and the whole way back to our condo.  I'm telling you she was out of control...and all of her venom was directly entirely at me.  I was ready to punch her in the face or let her walk her know-it-all ass back to the condo...in the end we just snuggled and had a completely random conversation about timeshares and then....poured another drink and gathered around the kitchen table telling stories about family secrets and stories.  I used to think my family was dysfunctional, until I met Lollipop and Chiquita.  I grew up thinking that shit only happened in movies...I was wrong.  Uncles marrying each others girlfriends, cousins blowing up meth bombs...family trees on the dept. of corrections website.  I could NOT make this shit up!!

Wake up and do it all over again....breakfast, beach, beer, moonshine, more beer, lunch, more beach, beer and moonshine.  We all wanted to go out one night while we were down there...and luckily we do share brain cells to make brilliant decisions sometimes.  We went out Friday night...so if we felt like ca-ca the next day, it wouldn't be the day we had to drive home.  GOOD THINKING!!!!  I should probably do a whole other post about our Friday night shenanigans....and the chaos that ensued.


PS: I wasn't the first one to hurt themselves either....just sayin' 

Check out part 2....here!!

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  1. Sounds like your having a shitload of fun, good for you.
    Looking forward to reading about the rest of your trip. Be safe!

    1. We're back now...I'm just trying to tie it all together and get caught up at work too. DAMN responsibilities. LOL!!