Adjusting To Change...

I know, I know...I've been neglecting my blog lately.  I've had so much going on with every aspect of my life.  I just haven't had a chance to put pen to paper, so to speak.  I have so many things I want to write about, yet can't seem to formulate any of them into words these days.

My biggest stresser right now, is my girls!!!  I'm guessing it's the adjusting to me having a boyfriend.  Every time he's around they both seem to forget how to behave.  Before he came over for dinner last night, we had a talk about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.  The day before, my sister had a talk with them too.  I know, any of you that know my sister...know that was a kettle vs. pot conversation.  But she tried.

Slou has already started the "you're choosing him over me" shenanigans.  If you know me AT ALL, you know that's a load of crap.  I know she's just vying for my attention.  I know it's going to take time for her to get used to me having someone besides her and her sister in my life, but he's not going anywhere.

Beelay on the other hand thinks she's just being funny, but what she's really being is disrespectful and pushing my patience to a breaking point.  She was so wound up last night that the only way I was able to get her to the stairs was by leading her by her hair.  Mind you, I was not dragging or yanking her by the hair.  I simply had a handful of her chestnut locks in my hand as if it were her hand in mine and walked her to the bottom of the stairs and quietly threatened to beat her if she didn't go get in the bed.  This was after she'd been allowed to hang out with us for an hour or so.

I've tried explaining to them that I'd love to be able to take them with us to do things, like bowling or the movies or corn maze, etc.  But if they can't behave at home, why on earth would I take them out in public?  I've explained that I'd like to be able to invite him over to the house during the week, so that they don't feel like I'm choosing him over them by going out with him or over to his house instead, but after last night....I'm most definitely going out to his house tonight.  And I'm going to enjoy every second of the peace and quiet...and maybe next week they'll act like 11 & almost 14 year olds, rather than 2 & 5 year olds.
Our time together is limited enough without my kids trying to sabotage it with their antics.  The problem is the stunts they pull are funny....and I being the questionable adult in the situation, find it VERY hard not to laugh when the dog comes hauling ass downstairs wearing one of Squirt's diapers.  This is new to all of us, but I'm certain we'll find a happy medium and in the end everyone will be happy...it just may be a bumpy road to get there.

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Update on SLou

If you're new here, you can read a few other posts regarding my battles with SLou here, here and here.  As most of you know, I'm a single mom.  Both of my girls have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.  They were tested through the school system, since my insurance doesn't cover the testing.  Well my pediatrician has never been fully on board with SLou's diagnosis.  She's been encouraging me to get her retested since day 1.  She's not always satisfied that the school system does a thorough enough evaluation.

Originally we were the poster family for Vyvanse. Both girls, my sister and myself are all on this medication.  It's still working wonderfully for everyone but SLou.  Her main side effect has been emotional melt downs when she's coming down off the meds in the evenings.  Finally last Winter, I'd had enough.  Her doctor and I decided to try a new medicine.  We tried Intuniv and Concerta.  Both were a disaster.  Both were non-stimulant and it turns out SLou absolutely needs a stimulant based med.  I gave each medication the good college try for a month each.  By Spring the damage was already done, but after SLou begging to go back on Vyvanse, I finally agreed.   

Unfortunately while we were messing with her meds last Spring, SLou bombed the CRCT's.  She has ALWAYS exceeded expectations on her standardized testing.  As I've told you before, this truly kicked her in the teeth.  Her self-confidence still hasn't recovered from that blow.  Anyway, the emotional side effects are starting to take their toll again.  I'm certain we need a new medicine or a whole new treatment plan, but I'm terrified of the potential downfall of messing with her meds during the school year.

We had her annual check-up yesterday.  Before changing her meds, her doctor wants us to try a couple of things at home first for a couple of weeks.  Starting with me being forbade from helping her with homework.  She has gotten into a habit of just waiting for me to get home to help her, rather than getting what she can done without me and me just helping her with what she had problems with.  I'm no longer allowed to be her crutch.  Second, she wants us to move bedtime up an hour....she wants SLou in bed by 8pm, even on weekends.  We'll see about the weekends part.  She'll be going to her dad's this weekend and he NEVER complies to any of my requests.

We've also got the ball in motion for the retesting.  We have our first appointment at The Amen Clinic next Thursday (10/18).  They will use a much more in depth method of testing that includes brain scans and hours of evaluation.  On our 4th visit, we will sit down with their pediatric psychologist and he will present his diagnosis and his suggested treatment plan.  I'm very optimistic that we are headed in the right direction, towards helping SLou succeed in every aspect of her life.  So, on Friday October 26th....we'll hopefully know EXACTLY what's going on with my sweet SLou.  I'll keep you all posted along the way.

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Responsible Voting...Please Be Informed

Okay people, I don't usually discuss politics on here.  I don't like arguing with brick walls and I'm guilty of being a brick wall from time to time myself.  I don't enjoy preaching about my political views and I've never set out to try to change anyone's views either.  I grew up in a very conservative Republican home.  But I'd like to think that I see both sides...but I'm willing to agree that I've probably been highly influenced by my father's views, because they make sense.  However, there have been times that I may have thought one of the independents would be a better choice, but then I feel like I'm wasting my vote if I vote for an independent candidate...and then forced to vote for the lesser of two evils.

I watched the Presidential debates last week.  I even had my kids watch some of them with me.  The one thing that stood out to both of them was that President Obama never really answered a question.  He talked in circles and then dismissed the questions.  I felt like both candidates spent more time repeating themselves over and over than actually informing all of us voters about what they intend to do to save our country.

The next day Chiquita sent me this video.  It's long, but it's information EVERYONE should know about the rules of these so-called debates.  They are a sham.  Both parties are guilty of blocking other independent parties from participating in the debates.  Most of the companies producing the polling results exclude the independents as well.  It's a sad and scary thought.  Please take the time to watch this video. 

 
I also went to see Obama's 2016 over the weekend.  I'm begging you...GO SEE THIS!!!  It is eye opening.  It's not politically charged.  This documentary is something that EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN VOTER should watch.  It uncovers many of President Obama's views and secrets that he tried very hard to hide.  Did you know that in his 4 years of office, he's acquired more national debt than George Washington through Bill Clinton COMBINED!?!?  It's predicted that if he's reelected our national debt will be upwards of 20 TRILLION dollars!!  At that point, we will be owned my China.  He is working towards the United States depleting their nuclear warheads down from 5000 to 1500 to even less.  Do you understand what that means?  That means that we're vulnerable...wide open for attack with no way to protect ourselves.  It outlined the true reasons that he has blocked the Keystone pipeline and halted offshore drilling...and it has nothing to do with what is best for our country.  

President Obama's true intentions have ZERO to do with traditional democratic views and opinions.  He is anti-American and anti-colonization.  So again, I beg you to take the time to go see this documentary.  I am not asking you to vote for Mitt Romney...although that is what I intend to do.  I'm hoping and praying that he can help undo the mess that Obama has made and save our country before it's too late.  By voting for Barack Obama, you are NOT voting for the democratic party...you are voting for a socialist communist.  Don't believe everything you hear from the media...do your own research.   If you're not registered to vote, tomorrow is the deadline.  You can click here to register online. 


I know that many of my readers will probably disagree with this post.  I hope that we can all just agree to disagree.  I'm optimistic that this won't turn you completely off of my blog, because obviously if you've been reading long, you know that I don't usually post this kind of stuff...but I felt this situation too serious not to share it with my readers.  

And here's where I hope new readers will take a chance to follow me here on GFC, Facebook and on Twitter and if you agree with me, please, please, please share this with your friends.  Also, click on the banner below to vote for me at topmommyblogs.com...it only takes a click.  Thank you and have a great Monday!!! 

Just Because....

I'm really a 14 year old girl, stuck in a 34 year old mom's body...doesn't mean I haven't grown up into a strong independent self-respecting adult.  It just means that I tend to have a hard time with the "if you can't say anything nice" rule, I have a potty mouth and a really twisted sense of humor.

Today is one of those days where I'm having a really hard time saying something nice about several situations.  So what do I do?  I blog...duh!!  Of course one of my better qualities is that I really don't like to hurt anyone's feelings...you can see how that tends to conflict with the saying of not-nice things.  So I'll go ahead and start with...if anything in this post hurts your feelings, I'm sorry.  Everything I'm about to say is out of love and other things (like frustration, disappointment & experience).

Nobody is perfect.  I understand that!!  Really, I do.  But there is a difference between an oops and a FUCK UP!!  The number of reasonable times you can forgive the same oops is way higher than the same FUCK UP!!!  "Oops, I forgot to put the toilet seat down."...gets old quick, if you prefer to keep your ass dry when you're up for a midnight pee.   "CRAP,  I forgot to pay the phone bill this month."....can be overlooked so many times.  "DAMN, Officer I swear I thought the speed limit was 90." adds up pretty quick.  "SHIT, I forgot to turn the stove off and the house burned down."  could definitely take a while to get over.  But "FUCK, that wasn't you I went home with last night?" or "FUCK, I gave you the herp?" or "FUCK, you weren't supposed to see that." aren't forgive and forget offenses.  

I used to give people the benefit of "everyone has to get to their breaking point in their own time".  But as we all get older and grow up, we all know the difference between right and wrong.  We know the difference between good and bad.  Every single person is responsible for their own situations.  Sure there are always going to be unforeseen speed bumps along the way.  You can't control anyone but yourself...and how you react to others bad choices that affect you.  For example; if you loan someone money and they never pay you back.  Are you going to continue to loan them money?  HELL NO!!  You decide whether you're going to be a door mat or not...not the person wiping their feet.

Everyone is so quick to say "don't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes."...but those shoes are worn by feet that are controlled by a person that chooses which roads they travel down.  I've done a lot of walking in my 34 years and sure I've gotten lost a time or two, but I remember which turns took me into the "hood and which ones took me out.  Being strong is a choice!!  You either want to man-up and create your own happiness or you don't.  It's that simple.

I'm no longer the patient person I was in my 20's.  Most of my "give a damn" busted a long time ago.  I'll be your biggest cheerleader if you're doing everything in your power to learn from your mistakes and change direction, but I don't do drama.  If you're not serious about putting yourself first, I'm not gonna sit around to be made to feel like a fool for encouraging you and holding you up and defending you, while you continue to ride your roller coaster.
 
It doesn't mean I love any of you any less.  It just means that my self-respect is gonna come before your self-induced train wreck.  I've been burned way too many times trying to be the friend that saves everyone.  I can't save anyone but myself.  I live my life surrounded by people that don't need saving or building up very often.  We all hold each other up...and for that I am so grateful.  When making a hard decision, stand back for a minute and think about what you would tell yourself if you were on the outside looking in.  Or better yet, think about what you would say behind your back if you were watching from the outside.  

Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I feel a little lighter and may even have some nice things to say after all.  This therapy we call blogging really does help.  If you've enjoyed this post, please click the banner below to cast your vote for me on topmommyblogs.com and follow me either here through GFC or on Facebook. Feel free to spread my words of wisdom to any or all of your friends....I'm trying to get famous here ya know!!!  Thank you and have an AWESOME weekend!!!

I Swore I'd Never Be That Girl...

Ok, so I just read a post on Motherhood Truth. This is my response to her question: How would you feel if you were picking up or dropping off your kid at school and there was someone smoking, right there in plain sight??? 

I started smoking when I was 15.  I'd sneak out my bedroom window and smoke on the roof and then RUN in and hop in the shower...certain that my mom didn't have a clue.  Turns out 15 year old's in fact do NOT know it ALL!!  When I got busted, she pleaded with me..."I loved you enough to quit smoking when I got pregnant with you, love yourself enough to quit now." Blah blah blah...my response was "I'll quit when I get pregnant."  She promptly cut me off!!  I mean she made sure I was fed, clothed and didn't go without...but the only money she gave me was enough for lunch money and that was it.  No way was she going to give me an allowance that I in turn would spend on cancer sticks.

So...who knew those words would come back to bite me in the ASS?!?!  I got knocked up at the ripe old age of 20!!  I quit cold turkey...but of course my husband didn't and after I popped that 8 pounder out, I quickly started puffing away again.  I didn't smoke in the car with my baby...but he did.  I didn't smoke in the house...but he did.  Because we were idiots and didn't figure out how it happened the first time...I got knocked up again (kidding...she was planned).  But this time the quitting cold turkey was sooooo much harder.  I probably averaged 3 sticks a day.


I LOVED smoking!!  Especially after my divorce.  It was my solace...my escape from reality for a brief 10 minutes at a time.  I could go sit on the back porch (the one who's roof I used to sneak on to) and have a few desperately needed minutes of SILENCE!!!  My girls knew not to bother me when I was out there...they'd patiently wait just inside the door for me.  


As they got older and started school, I was embarrassed that I smoked.  I didn't want any of the other parents to know I smoked.  If they had a friend over, I'd either wait til they left or I'd go hide somewhere and sneak a few puffs.  Then they got to the point where they were embarrassed too.  Beelay didn't even want me to smoke in my car after I dropped them off at school or on my way home from work because one of her friends might see me.


I wanted to quit.  I knew I didn't want to continue setting this horrible example for my kids.  I knew I couldn't afford the rising prices.  BUT dammit...I LOVED it!!!  Finally, on Jan. 1, 2010...I did it!!!  I quit!!  I swore I'd never be that girl though.  The judgmental former smoker that thought "If I can do it, so can you."  The one in the group that would say "I really don't wanna go there because it's so smoky."  Guess what?  I became that girl...usually silently, but all of those thoughts were there (they still are).


I was always respectful of non-smokers.  So when I ran to the bagel shop the other day to pick up lunch and these two guys were standing right at the door, shooting the shit and puffing away...it PISSED ME OFF!!  It wasn't raining, it wasn't cold...it was a beautiful day!!!  Why not walk away from the door...so everyone walking in or out or who was sitting right inside the door, didn't have to inhale your pollution?  


So when I read Motherhood Truth's post...I had to answer!!!  Besides it being prohibited, I think it's disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant and foolish for parents to even think about smoking in the carpool line...or in the parking lot or on the playground or soccer field.  WAKE UP!!!  It's 2012!!  I don't think smoking should be banned.  I don't think that smokers should be butt raped by taxes.  If they want to smoke...have at it!!  Hell, smoke one for me...but seriously people, don't force it on those that have chosen to take their health seriously!!!

New Baby Etiquette....For Lack of a Catchier Title

I'm super excited to announce that I'm finally an aunt.  A for real bona fide blood related aunt.  I'm totally and completely in love with this little boy!!!  I had no idea my heart could swell with so much love for a little breathing human being that didn't actually come out of my own vag.  He is beautiful, isn't he? 

My sister was a trooper!!!  Things got a little hairy there at the end...but everyone pulled through just fine.  They're all home from the hospital and trying to adjust to having a sweet baby in the house.  And trying to make everyone happy when it comes to visiting and holding Squirt...but this task is proving to be way more difficult than it should be.

As a new mom, she should be able to say "Ya know, I'm really kinda tired and I'd really like to just take it easy and not have any guests today." Or "Well, I've got some family traveling into town to meet Squirt and I'd really like to just have a smaller group over today...so everyone (including myself) has plenty of time to love on him."  These things should be able to be communicated without others feelings being hurt.  Especially the feelings of those that live the closest and will have the most opportunity to have the baby to themselves after the newness has worn off.

A new mom's primary concern should be resting/recuperating from giving birth and bonding with their new baby.  They shouldn't be having to deal with the stress of family drama and playing hostess to all of their extended family.  Sure everyone is excited and can't wait to meet the newest family member, but is within the new parent's rights to set parameters and guidelines as to who they are comfortable having around their baby in the first few days and weeks of his life.  

The main focus here should be: What can we do to help you?  Not is it my turn yet?  So and so got to hold him longer than I did.  It's frustrating to see my sister trying to hold it together and worrying about making everyone happy rather than just relaxing  and enjoying her sweet boy. 

I know that nobody is doing this on purpose...they're just having a hard time stepping back and seeing it from my sister's point of view.  So next time some one you love has a baby, think twice about rushing to visit as soon as the get home from the hospital.  Maybe offer to bring them dinner one night and stay for a short visit and then leave it up to the new parents as to when another visit is a good idea.  And if it's family, make sure you focus on what you can do to help them with around the house...so they can focus on figuring out parenthood on their own.  Hormones and emotions are already all over the place after having a baby...make sure you're not overstepping your boundaries or overstaying your welcome too.

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Living on the safe side...

Contrary to common belief, I'm a sissy!!!  I don't think I've always been this way.  I'm pretty sure it's because of past failures.  I am not a risk taker.  If something's not guaranteed, I'm not buying. 

Professionally:
I've been working for the same company for over 12 years.  It's comfortable.  I have plenty of perks, but the company has been struggling financially most of the time I've been there.  Specifically after 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the current Presidential economic crisis.  I've known deep down for several years that I should be looking for a new job.  I can blame it on my loyalty to my boss or any of the other positives of my job, but the truth of the matter is; I'm absolutely terrified of not just rejection but also that I will be absolutely miserable in any other position.  It's dumb, I know...but change = PANIC!!!

Financially:
Since my divorce, I've lived with my dad.  I pay my way, mostly.  My divorce left me in financial ruins.  I had a foreclosure and a repo on my credit, so my cars have been in my dad's name, as well as my car insurance and cell phone....but I do actually pay for all of it.  I also pay roughly half of the household expenses.  So in reality, I can probably totally afford to move out on my own.  But the thought alone sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. The fear of not being able to make it on my own, providing for my kids and having to turn around and move back in...keep me frozen.  I've saved for years to buy a house...and every time I've gotten close to actually being able to do it, something has happened.  First I was in an accident that totaled my almost paid for car.  Then SLou had to have surgery.  Then my hours were cut at work.  It's always something.  Therefore, I've made the decision to stay where I'm at until my kids both graduate from high school.  Judge me if you want...but taking that chance is just too risky for my psyche to handle. 

Romantically:
So I've been divorced for a LONG time....8 years is a long time, right?  Well when I first split from him, I made a vow to myself and to my children that I wanted to make certain I could be happy by myself.  I told myself that I wouldn't be that mom that rushes in and out of relationships, dragging her kids along with her.  I figured a year...maybe 2 would be more than adequate.  And I can tell you whole heartedly, I am completely 100% happy being single. 

I've dated a little over the years, but haven't really put myself out there in a LONG time.  I'm so scared of being hurt or rejected that the walls I've built are 50' tall and bullet proof.  I'm terrified of bringing anyone into my kid's lives and it not working out, that I'd just assume stay single and stay busy being their mom...I mean where would I pull the time to date from anyway?  But who am I kidding?  I'd love to find Mr. Right...it's the courage it takes to find him that I don't have.  This subject could be a whole different blog of it's own....stay tuned :)