Thursday, May 31, 2012

New Baby Etiquette....For Lack of a Catchier Title

I'm super excited to announce that I'm finally an aunt.  A for real bona fide blood related aunt.  I'm totally and completely in love with this little boy!!!  I had no idea my heart could swell with so much love for a little breathing human being that didn't actually come out of my own vag.  He is beautiful, isn't he? 

My sister was a trooper!!!  Things got a little hairy there at the end...but everyone pulled through just fine.  They're all home from the hospital and trying to adjust to having a sweet baby in the house.  And trying to make everyone happy when it comes to visiting and holding Squirt...but this task is proving to be way more difficult than it should be.

As a new mom, she should be able to say "Ya know, I'm really kinda tired and I'd really like to just take it easy and not have any guests today." Or "Well, I've got some family traveling into town to meet Squirt and I'd really like to just have a smaller group over everyone (including myself) has plenty of time to love on him."  These things should be able to be communicated without others feelings being hurt.  Especially the feelings of those that live the closest and will have the most opportunity to have the baby to themselves after the newness has worn off.

A new mom's primary concern should be resting/recuperating from giving birth and bonding with their new baby.  They shouldn't be having to deal with the stress of family drama and playing hostess to all of their extended family.  Sure everyone is excited and can't wait to meet the newest family member, but is within the new parent's rights to set parameters and guidelines as to who they are comfortable having around their baby in the first few days and weeks of his life.  

The main focus here should be: What can we do to help you?  Not is it my turn yet?  So and so got to hold him longer than I did.  It's frustrating to see my sister trying to hold it together and worrying about making everyone happy rather than just relaxing  and enjoying her sweet boy. 

I know that nobody is doing this on purpose...they're just having a hard time stepping back and seeing it from my sister's point of view.  So next time some one you love has a baby, think twice about rushing to visit as soon as the get home from the hospital.  Maybe offer to bring them dinner one night and stay for a short visit and then leave it up to the new parents as to when another visit is a good idea.  And if it's family, make sure you focus on what you can do to help them with around the they can focus on figuring out parenthood on their own.  Hormones and emotions are already all over the place after having a baby...make sure you're not overstepping your boundaries or overstaying your welcome too.

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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Summertime Clownin' Around

Well summertime is upon us.  My summertime theme song is Summer Girl by Jessica Andrews.  This song just makes me happy!!  It makes me feel young and carefree....

Summer Girl by Jessica Andrews on Grooveshark 

My Memorial Day weekend was spent loving up on my new nephew, visiting with family & clownin' around with my friends.  I had a desperately needed lake day...thanks to Banjo for letting me and Chiquita tag along.  It was EXACTLY what the doctor ordered!!!  Although I know you'd all expect there to be more entertainment value, considering Tree Frog & Gumdrop were present...but it was just a nice relaxing afternoon being kissed by the sun and enjoying some catching up time with Easy and his girlfriend Sugar...and Lola & Big Daddy.  It was the perfect day spent anchored out with ice cold beer in hand.

All week long, the plan was to go to the "Summer In The Country Music Festival" Saturday night and hit WaHo on the way home.  Just want to throw that out there.  I gotta give props to whoever put this festival was an all day event, held at someone's farm in Cleveland, GA. It was FREE!!!  They were selling what smelled like delicious bbq...but since the plan was WaHo, I didn't actually eat any.  They had a great line-up of home-grown local talent...and our friend's band was the last act performing. <Promo Review Ends Here>

We pull into what looks like a pasture, with a beautiful old farmhouse on the right and the coolest looking barn I've ever seen behind it.  We park and set out to find our "Bazaar" family.  As we're walking up the gravel driveway, I spot this kid sportin' a doo rag and he is dancing his skinny little ass off!!!  As we get closer, just as I'm pointing him out to registers that it's Lil' Bit (Skeeter's son...and one of my very favorite little boys in the whole wide world).  "Bazaar" family...FOUND!!!  
So while enjoying the music and the lightning bugs and friends...Skeeter pulls out the ICE cold (like sitting in the freezer for a year) peach moonshine!!!   In my old age, I've become some what of a sissy when it comes to alcohol.  Maybe it's the killer hangovers or maybe it's all of the blurred memories of my clumsy ass making a complete fool of myself...that being said, I only had one small swig.  It was DIVINE!!!  I wanted more...but my fear of throwing up or falling down kept me rooted to my ice cold Bud Light Lime.  Chiquita on the other hand...

Chiquita turned into Little Miss Crabby Pants when the sun went down.  I was too busy playing around with Lil' Bit and enjoying the music to notice that she kept sneaking over to "say hi" to Skeeter and an excuse to have a few (too many) sips of the hooch.  Before I know it, she's whining that she's ready to go home.  Our friend's band, Under The Wheel (the whole reason we were even there) was still performing. Next thing I know, she's sitting shotgun in MY car, that Jinx is driving us home in....and throwing a little tantrum about sitting in the backseat.  So I GRUDGINGLY sit in the backseat of my OWN car with Lollipop...

"So we're still going to WaHo, right?"  "NO!!  I'm ready to go home...NOW!!!"  "WHAT?!?!  I'm effing starving!!!"  "Whatevs bitch, there's food at the house."  "ACE HOLE!!" And so the bickering goes on and on and on...the whole way back to civilization.  It finally comes to light that Little Miss Crabby Pants actually ate at the festival!!!  No wonder she wasn't hungry!!!  So I beg Jinx to at least run the drive-thru at Krystal's...but NOOOOOOOO!!!!  Guess he was too scared of LMCP throwing another he literally drove right past Krystal's and McDonald's, straight home!!  I think I honestly could've cried, I was so hungry and PISSED!!!

Thank GOD for Sunflower!!  She's my nice friend!!!  She was riding with Zippy & Otis, so she didn't fall victim to LMCP's bitchiness....she's lucky!!  I should've rode with them too....they probably wouldn't have left me to starve to death!!  Anyway, Sunflower took me to get some food...adding an extra 30+ minutes onto her trip home (that could've been totally avoided if Jinx hadn't been such a poon).  Thank you!!!

Surprisingly, Chiquita felt FINE the next morning.  I was secretly wishing her a hangover of the ages...but nope, she felt GREAT!!!  However, her memory was a little fuzzy....but apparently mine was too.  I didn't realize we didn't even say goodbye to Skeeter and Clarabelle.  HOW RUDE!!  Chiquita also felt ZERO remorse for her bitchy behavior.  "If Lollipop is allowed 1 night a year to be a bitch, so am I. And it was a success!! In other news, moonshine is not for me...Apparently from what I hear!!" <---her words!!  Granted, she was no where near the same level that Lollipop has been known to reach...those nights usually end with someone bleeding, her being carried out of a bar and puking.  But a simple "I'm sorry" would've been nice...BITCH!!!

Then Lollipop suggests we get some of that yummy peachy poison to take on our girl's trip to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Are you CRAZY!!  Chiquita and I have the tolerance of college age boys...and if it kicked her ass that bad, the outcome of all 4 of us drinking it TOGETHER would probably be JAIL!!!  

So that sums up my Memorial Day weekend.  I hope everyone recognized our armed forces and said a little prayer for the safety of those still fighting to protect our freedoms.  Thank you Sparky...we love you.  

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Friday, May 25, 2012

Oh How I've Missed Being Tagged!!

Ohhhhh, I loved these things on myspace and then on facebook!!!  "Surveys" were how I shared my humor before I stumbled upon the great world of blogging.  My bloggy friend at Mommy on the Edge tagged me, so here it goes...PS: If I didn't tag you and you'd like to play along...feel free!!!  If you don't have your own blog, you're welcome to post your answers as a comment on this post. 

The rules (if you choose to play along) are as follows:
Each person must post 11 random things about themselves.
Answer the questions that the person that tagged you posted.
Create 11 new questions for the people that you tag
Pick 11 new people to tag, link them on your post & go to their page and tell them they've been tagged.  No tag backs!!!
11 Things About Me:
1. I'm lazy!!  I'm the queen of procrastination.  
2. I'm an OCD planner.  How does one manage to be both lazy and an OCD planner?  Well, you see I plan it all out so I can strategically knock everything out in one fell I can quickly get back to being lazy.
3. My 13 year old daughter asked me what a "twat" is yesterday.  After I recovered from the choke that seized me, I of course asked where she heard it and then told her what it meant...and kindly asked her to NEVER say it in front of me again.  Notice I didn't tell her to "NEVER say it again" because that would be highly hypocritical of me.
4. Laughter is my drug of choice.  I love laughing until there are tears running down my cheeks or pee running down my legs.

5. I've been single for far too long to comfortably read "Fifty Shades of Gray"...I've NEVER been so sexually frustrated in my life!!

6. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and that I was freaking out about it and then still in my dream state, I realized it was absolutely scientifically impossible for me to be pregnant...and that I must have been carrying God's second son.

7. I was once bitten by a brown recluse...on the back of my thigh.  Had it been any closer to an extremity (hand or foot), I could've lost them.  I still have a scar from the giant hole it left in my leg...ask me and I'll show you one day.  And now I'm deathly scared of spiders!!

8. I've never really liked girls.  I've had very few close girl friends...I preferred to have boys as my friends, I preferred to babysit boys.  I can't stand drama, whining, back stabbing or overall cattiness!!  So God decided to play a mean trick on me and give me TWO girls of my own!!  Guess he really does have a sense of humor.

9. I married a redneck when I was 20 years old.  When I divorced him 6 years later, I buried my love for 4-wheeling, monster trucks and hot rods deep inside of me.  Now my inner redneck only shines through when I'm covered in mud, surrounded by the smell of burning rubber or consumed by the excitement of the demolition derby.

10. Maybe it's not buried that deep...because I still LOVE country music.  I love Solid Gold Saturday Night just as much as I love the top 40 country count down.  I enjoy most any music...but country is the soundtrack of my life.

11. I want to go back to school.  I just don't know what for or how to make it happen.  I'm terrified that my children will suffer from the time it will take away from them.  It's an inner struggle I've been fighting for years...what's a few more?  I can always follow my dreams when they've graduated from college, right?

Mommy on the Edge's questions:
1. Why do you blog and how did you get started?
I blog because it's cheaper than therapy and probably more effective.  I started out writing about by parenting failures and accomplishments...and that's still pretty much what I do.
2. Dogs or Cats?
Both and neither?  I love them both...but I'm so tired of cleaning up after them.  My dog is 16 and my cat is 17...I'm beginning to think they're gonna live FOREVER!!!
3. What's your hobby?
Reading, blogging & cheering on my kids
4. Lots of besties, or a few besties and lots of acquaintances?
Just a few besties, a TON of friends and a lot of acquaintances. 
5. it or hate it?
Oh I still love it!!!  
6. Your favorite band and why?
Sugarland...because not only can I relate to most of their music, they also put on a spectacular show.
7. Do you read the gossip rags while waiting in line at the supermarket?
I used to...before self check out and smart phones :)
8. If you could sleep w/any celebrity who would it be?
Matthew explanation necessary!!
9. How many people know your deepest, darkest secret?
Hmmm, I don't think I have any deep dark secrets.  If I do, only 1-2 people know it.
10. What's your dream vehicle?
Used to be a Land Rover, but now I'd just be happy with something that gets 30 miles to the gallon, has a sunroof and leather seats.
11. If you lived to be 100 what is the one thing you'd still want to be able to do on your own?
Wipe my own ass!!!

Tag You're it!!!
The Backwards Bride 
Livin' On Sweet Tea
Diary of a Diva Mom
My Gracefully Disastrous Questions:
1. What is your most embarrassing parenting or relationship (if you're not a parent) moment?
2. Have you ever fallen down in public? If so, do tell...
3. How many blog followers do you have? PS: I only have 20 according to blogger.
4. What's your favorite cuss word? If you don't cuss...what word would slip out of your mouth if you stubbed the hell out of your toe?
5. How often do you really mop your kitchen floor? Be honest!!
6. What is your favorite book?  I'm not kidding...I'm looking for new reading material.
7. How old were you when you started your period? 
8. When was the last time you had an "OH SHIT" moment? Please explain, so I don't feel so bad about myself.
9. Are your parents still married? If so, what do you think their secret is?
10. What is your biggest fear?
11. What is your biggest wish?

Bite Your Tongue...

Parenthood is a constant tug-of-war.  I'm constantly questioning I say something? Do I let them figure it out on their own?  Do I let them fight it out in the front yard?  Do I beat them senseless?  Do I walk away?  Do they need their hearing checked?  Am I screwing them up?  Are they going to need therapy and meds when they grow up? 

One of my mom's best pieces of parenting advice was "Pick your battles."  I totally get what she meant too...I just haven't quite grasped how to decipher which battles I'm supposed to fight and which ones to bypass.  I mean obviously I'm not gonna sit around and debate whether the sky is blue, but it's not always a simple black and white.  Plus, I have two GIRLS!!!  WWIV, V & VI are likely to take place at my house at some point.

Unfortunately, living with my gets, well a little stormy sometimes.  He's of the opinion that rules are rules and are to be followed NO MATTER WHAT.  He sees every battle as important and that the adult is ALWAYS the victor, even if they're not right.  To him, it's more about the girls respecting their elders and not challenging my authority...EVER!!  But whats that saying? Well behaved girls rarely grow up to make history?  That's the theory that my parenting is based on...or well that's what I tell myself when I want to choke out my children or duct tape them to their beds.  

Bottom line, they're my kids.  I'm their mom.  I'm their sole provider and disciplinarian.  If I want to let them stay up past their bedtime, that's my choice.  If I say they can have ice cream for dinner because they had a craptastic day...that's on me.  If I want to walk away when one of them is being a disrespectful shithead, let me.  I'm probably doing it so I don't actually choke them out.  Let me count to 10, take a few deep breaths and come back to it.  I don't need you to jump in and take over.  I need you to tune us out.  If I need your help, I'll ask for it.

I don't want to sound ungrateful to my parents with this post.  If by chance either of them read it, I totally understand their point of view.  This is just my platform to communicate my thoughts and feelings and to vent if need be...or even talk myself through things and possibly end up at the same conclusion they did.  

I was raised in a house where your parent's NO meant NO! If we questioned why...the answer was because they said so.  Sometimes I think the answer was NO simply because they wanted us to know that we didn't always get our way...which I'm in total agreement with sometimes.  A child that grows up ALWAYS getting their way, grows up to be a selfish rotten adult.  However I do try not to abuse my authority either.  If there's not a solid good reason for me to say no, I usually say yes.  Maybe I'm a softy on some things...sue me!!   I'm tough as nails when it comes to what is important to me...and they know it.

Ultimately I know I'm doing a good job.  My kids are well-mannered (when they're NOT around me).  They're thoughtful, helpful & sweet (when they're NOT around each other).  They're smart, witty & clumsy (all the time).  I'm proud to say I'm their mom...even when I want to stab out both of their eyes due to an unwisely timed eye-roll.  So when they're actually getting along and giggling in one of their bedrooms, I bite my tongue and let them have fun.  Even though another one of my mom's quotes rings in my ears "it's all fun and games til someone gets hurt".  I cross my fingers, eyes & toes that they'll grow up and be friends one day.

Please follow me here and on Facebook and share my stories with your friends.  Happy Friday everyone.  My house survived the first week of summer without it coming to blows...hope yours did too :)

Monday, May 21, 2012

Friendship Reflections....

With the recent untimely passing of an old friend, I've been doing a lot of reflecting back on times gone by.  I've been leisurely and sometimes teary eyed wandering down memory lane.  Thinking about old friendships that have changed, ended or grown apart in my lifetime...and the friendships that have continued to grow and have sustained times of tragedy & loss, marriage & divorce and distance.

I've been blessed to have had so many friends over the past 34 years.  I've learned so much from all of them, even the ones that I'm no longer friends with.  Thanks to Facebook, I've even reconnected with a friend from my early childhood that I thought I'd never hear from again...ahem, Kitsi!! 

Right now I'm grieving and the sorrow and sadness is sitting on my chest...I feel like there is a sob stuck in my throat that either needs to be swallowed or to explode, but neither is happening right now.  I know it's mostly my guilt for not being the friend that I could've been.  Failing someone that desperately needed my strength and support is a hard reality for me to face.  

Logically, I know that friendships grow apart and people naturally go their separate ways as their lives change.  Intellectually, I know that it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to nurture and build every friendship that I have.  But emotionally, I feel like I need to call every person in my life that I hold dear and tell them how much I love them and how thankful I am to have them in my life...even if our paths don't cross as often as we'd like.  I'm grateful that they've in some way enriched my life.

I don't have time to call every single one of them, so I'm broadcasting by love & appreciation name!!!  And if I may have overlooked you, please don't be hurt.  I've been lucky to have so many friends in my life that I can't possibly name everyone.

Jennifay (est. 1983) - Our friendship has withstood so many obstacles.  Thank you for knowing me the way you do.  Thank you for our inside jokes that NOBODY else on earth would find nearly as funny.  Thank you for still loving me even after our teenage years, when I wasn't exactly always nice to you.

Katie (est. 1987) - Although we don't hardly ever talk anymore, I still consider you a lifelong friend.  We have so many memories together...good and bad.  Some of which didn't always end in Jennifay's favor.  Maybe we weren't always the best influence on each other, but we sure did have fun.

Terri (est. 1993) - Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.  I miss you more than I ever thought possible.  Losing you was the absolute, without a doubt, hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  Having you in my life brought so much laughter, Rio Bravo and sunbathing into my life...and singing, I can't leave out the singing.  I love you and hope that when you're looking down on all of us that you left behind, that you're proud of the people that we've become.

Kelly (est. 1994) - Thank you for educating me in the skill of "smart ass".  If it hadn't been for that fateful day in Spanish class, I'd have lived a dull boring life in comparison.  You and your family helped mold me into the sarcastic & funny person that I am.  You've been my rock more times than I can count....and I've been yours.  I know we don't have that mushy kind of friendship, but I want you to know that I love you so much and I admire you and the woman/mom that you've become.  You are my example of a strong woman that has broken the mold when it comes to picking up the pieces and keeping on keeping on.  Thank you for always being my comic relief...even at the most inappropriate times.

Wanda (est. 1996) - You are my person.  You are the yin to my yang or maybe the yang to my yin.  You've taught me to be a stand up for myself and my kids.  You've carried my load when I've been too weak to keep going.  You've been my harsh conscience when I didn't want to face reality.  You know me better than I know myself...and can read me like an open book (even over the phone).  I know that I can call you at 2am...and you're gonna answer the phone and not even be mad when it's not an emergency.  Although the same can't be said if I called you at say 6am.  You're my cheerleader.  You have helped me raise my children to be the confident young ladies that they are today.  Thank you for our giggle-fests.  Thank you for your stubborness...maybe one day it'll rub off on me.

Holly (est. 1997) - Granted you suck when it comes to actually being around...or planning birthday parties or answering the phone when it rings.  But I know that you love me and cherish me as much as I do you.  I'm so happy to have you in my life...and I'm so proud of all that you've accomplished.  You've overcome the odds and made a wonderful life and home for you and your family.  So when you drop the ball on the social side of friendship...always know that I forgive you :) 

Sparky (est. 2005) -  So what if I thought you were a complete dumbass when I met you...that proved to be part of what I love most about you.  Your big heart and silly personality and protective nature made you a lasting part of my life.  It doesn't matter if you're 10 min. away, across the country or on the other side of the're still my favorite red headed step child.  Your hugs can melt away any problem I have...I just wish you weren't across the country so I could have one more often.  You've been a surrogate dad for my girls and shown them what a daddy's love should feel like.  I'm so proud of you and the soldier that you are today.

Kimberly (est. 2008) - You are a taller skinnier body.  We share almost the same exact thoughts 99% of the time...only you have bigger balls than I do when it comes to saying them out loud.  You are part of the village that helps raise my kids to be responsible and accountable and funny.  Although I might be a little older than you, you're the wiser.  I've learned so much from you and you've helped me grow as a mom and as a friend.  You've brought a quality to my life that I didn't know was missing.  We laugh until we cry or pee...whichever happens first.  Thank you for sharing your home, husband and kids with me and my girls.  We are all family now. 


Thursday, May 17, 2012

A Heavy Heart ...

My heart is being weighed down by so many different emotions right now.  I'm not sure if I can even put it all into words, but right now my need to write about it is so overwhelming.  Our circles of friends have suffered so many losses in the 16 years since I graduated.  We've have had drug overdoses, car accidents, heart attacks and other tragic accidents.  It's been a few years since we've all had to come together to mourn one of our own.

My morning was shaken with news that has caused a hurricane of unexpected emotions.  I don't know where to start because her story is so sad and tragic, it could be the basis of a Lifetime movie.  We met in high school and quickly became friends because our boyfriends were thick as thieves.  We were never up to any good either.  Back then it was Countrytime Lemonade and tequila. We cruised the back roads of Alpharetta, usually looking for our hell raising men.

Shannon and Philip were a fixture in our lives.  They came to the hospital when Beelay was born.  They were a constant in Beelay's life.  I have a vivid memory of her being barely 2 years old, down on her hands and knees picking up change in the driveway with Philip.  And him teaching her to sing "Money, money, money"....and swinging on the swing set together.  They were at our house every weekend and often during the week.

When they got engaged it was no surprise when she asked me to stand as her bridesmaid along side her little sister as her maid of honor.  It was an honor that I was never able to fulfill.  I'll never forget that day.  It was Nov. 1, 2000.  I woke up to a message on my answering machine from Shannon saying to call her as soon as I got the message, that it didn't matter what time.  I have no idea what time it was when she called, but when I called her back; her step-mom answered the phone and the words that came out of her mouth brought me to my knees.  "Philip was killed last night while riding 4-wheelers."  I had never been so affected by someone's words in my life.

One week to the day before they were supposed to get married, we buried Philip.  Devastated  doesn't even begin to describe Shannon's pain.  I won't lie and say that their relationship was perfect, it wasn't.  But their relationship was her EVERYTHING!!  Her grief was palpable.  I tried to comfort her as best I could, but I was at a loss.  I had no idea how to help her...I was 22 years old and had no experience or idea how any one of us was supposed to move past this kind of tragedy.  

When Shannon turned to going out and partying it up to keep her mind off it...I judged her.  Looking back now, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. But at the time I was married with a 2 year old and I just couldn't relate.  We grew apart a little bit at a time.  Eventually we lost touch all together.   Until after my divorce.  I had been rear-ended and her dad owned a body shop and she'd been on my mind a lot...soooo I stopped in to see her dad and see how Shannon was doing.  Only to be surprised by the fact that she was there, working for him and was 8 months pregnant.  It felt like God had brought us back together just in time.  We rekindled our friendship and got together often...for a while.

For the life of me, I can't remember why we lost touch again.  I don't think it was anything specific.  We just got busy living our lives and raising our kids and lost touch.  The next time our paths crossed we ran into each other at Chili's.  We exchanged numbers and talked about getting together soon...but it never happened.  Then our circle suffered another loss, Charlie fell from a cell tower and was killed instantly.  I made the call because I figured I was the only one that had her number.  It's crazy how we all get busy living our lives and in an instant we're all brought back together again.

She reached out to me more times than I can count.  I am filled with guilt for not being the friend to her that she needed.  I can blame it on my kids and being so busy with them or I can say it was just because we were in different places in our lives.  But the God's honest truth is I didn't know how to be her friend anymore.  She was a constant reminder of my old life and I didn't know how to transition it into my grown up adult life.  The last time I saw her, I actually tried to avoid her....because I just didn't know what to say to her when she would tell me she missed me and our friendship.  It's funny though, while I was trying to avoid her...she spotted me from across the pool and knew it was me from looking at the back of my head.  We talked briefly about our kids and that was it.  I haven't seen or spoken to her in probably 2 years.

So this morning when I heard the news, I felt guilty for even being sad.  I feel like I was a shitty friend to her and therefore I have no right to even mourn her death.  I was happy to hear that she had found happiness again and had remarried, but heartbroken to find out she left behind 9 week old twins.  My heart and my head are all over the place.  I'm sick over the fact that her 8 year old son, her step-son and her 9 week old daughter & son are now going to grow up without their mommy.  The scars that were left behind from Philip's, Charlie's, Terri's & JD's (only to name a few) deaths have been ripped open and are now raw with sadness and regret.

Shannon, I'm sorry that I wasn't the friend you needed me to be.  I'm sorry that your children, your husband and your family have to find the strength to go on living without you...just like you had to find it when you lost Philip.  I hate that yet again, we're all coming together to say goodbye to one of our own.  Rest in peace.  You'll live on in our memories and in the eyes of your children.

***I'll update as soon as I know of any of the arrangements.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Another Clown Adventure...Happy Birthday Freckles!!

Now for the "good" stuff.  It should come as no surprise that the Circus pulled out all the stops when it came to celebrating one of their own.  It seems this is the year for all of the baby clowns to ripen into their 30's.  Freckles hasn't really made much of a splash until now into the world that is this blog...but splash she did!!

Bare with me because much of the night is a little blurry for me.  I even took notes of the early on funny...but guess the jager raping distracted me at some point.  Anyway, we went out to dinner for sushi first.  The staff knows us pretty well...considering there's usually 10+ in our party.  And no birthday is complete without the sake bomb...yes, Sunflower, you were right about the spelling.  If you look carefully at this picture, you'll see there's a glass of water on the right...yeah, after the sake bombed; there wasn't anymore water in that glass either.  SPLASH!!

After dinner, we moved the show on to Chiquita & Zippy's house.  The drinks were a flowin' and the jokes were headed south QUICKLY!!!  Consider that Tree Frog brought his strawberry moonshine...that I adamantly refused to partake in.  I wasn't so successful in my refusal of my no longer dear friend, Mr. Jagermeister and Skittles' favorite Fireball.  Keep in mind I've steered clear of that dark licorice flavored DEMON since my birthday TWO years ago!!!  Thanks to Chiquita being a bitch and forcing it upon me...she and I both spent the next day cuddled up on the couch watching Grumpy Old Men and running to the bathroom to puke.  As for Fireball, I've only spent time with it once...and that was my birthday this year.  We have no hard feelings...but I'd really do much better to just stick with what I know best, and that's ICE COLD Bud Light Lime.

So the most vivid memories are of all of us camped out on the deck discussing "Fifty Shades of Grey", men included.  Tree Frog said "I know I'm dominant when I hear OUCH", to which Skittles responded "That's because you had it in the wrong hole."  There was LOTS of talk about swingers and how Zippy likes to throw out mixed signals at Walmart, by walking around with a pineapple in the babyseat of his buggy.  For anyone that doesn't know us well, they would've been very confused.  NONE of our friends swing...that we are aware of anyway.

My timeline and actual memories are a little fuzzy, so some of this might have been my imagination.  I believe it was Cuz that said something about the "salmonella" candles being lit under the tables.  And Sarge clarified that they were "citronella" candles.  We were all very impressed with his knowledge of ecol-i and insect repellant.  But it was Cuz that said  "I'm like a rat at both ends."  That was one of the funniest things I think I've ever heard!!

We apparently had an in-depth conversation about swapping body parts.  Like those of us with ample tittays would be happy to loan a portion out to the less fortunate.  And those with a bountiful booty would share with those of us suffering from "noassatall".  This lead to some of the more free spirited (inebriated) clowns to flash some boobage and then Jinx blessed everyone on the deck with a "Full Moon".

Tater & Valentine were there too.  Valentine continues to prove to me that I picked the PERFECT name for her.  She's so sweet...and lovey.  Oh and I hear (because of course I don't remember) she shares my graceful nature.  Clarence & Cricket came by.  I didn't manage to inflict any pain on him this go around.  He and his gimp fingers are always blaming me for something.  Cricket usually just sits back and laughs at all of us.  I'm just glad we haven't scared her away yet.  It was an unexpected surprise when Skeeter and Clarabelle showed up.  Thank you again for my trophy.  Again, it's all a little fuzzy.  I'm sure you both contributed something funny to the night...but yeah I got nothing.  Banjo even graced us with his presence, late as usual.

I'm also told that we were all dancing in the rain.  There is a picture, that I am NOT posting here...that appears to have been taken some time after the alleged rain dance.  I however have ZERO recollection of this pic being taken.  Just to give you an idea.  Chiquita's 3' tongue is almost touching Freckles' cheek, I have a handful of Freckles' boob and I'm holding Lollipop's leg up and Sunflower is smiling ever so innocently with her lollipop in her hand.  

I guess my seat was out of the line of fire for Sleezy.  Unfortunately a couple of my other clown friends weren't so lucky.  Is random groping normal in the non-vanilla (meant in a sexual way, not racial) world?  I'm not sure, but it's UNACCEPTABLE in our Circus.  Guess he didn't get the memo that none of us actually swing...we just talk a lot about it.

At some point all of the mixing of beer, moonshine, jager, fireball, sake, the best of Freckles.  Poor birthday girl made another SPLASH when she emptied her tummy contents in the back yard.  She just kept saying "I just wanna laugh and I'll feel better".  So Chiquita paged me and Banjo for the job.  I'm assuming we made her laugh...because we're funny, not because I actually retained the memory.

I should probably commiserate with Zippy before I publish this because I'm sure he has a much clearer memory of the nights events.  While he was rehashing all of it for us the next morning, he kept saying "Giggles, you were sitting right there.  You don't remember it?"  And I just sat there blank faced.  Chiquita sent me a text later in the day asking how we ended up in the garage, to which I replied "We were in the garage?"

If I left out anything and you would like to contribute to the funny, please please please do so in a comment.  You can even do it anonymously or under your clown name if you like.  As always, feel free to share my writing brilliance with your friends...and take note that Lollipop has the biggest balls in our Circus.  Follow me on Facebook here.

A Mother's Day Weekend Worth Talking About

My Mother's Day came early with me learning that I had indeed won the very coveted MOTY award.  I would like to thank my dear friend, Skeeter for nominating me, voting for me and taking the time out of his busy life to reward me so generously for being 2012's Mother Of The Year.  My trophy will be displayed proudly FOREVER!!!  <---Mainly to remind my kids of just how lucky they are to have me for their mom...and not one of my slacker opponents that failed to BRING IT to the competition this year.  Better luck to you all next go round.

I guess those WINNING genes were passed down to Beelay, as her soccer team went on to WIN their championship game.  I'm one proud mama.  She is tied for the most goals scored this season.  All joking aside, her whole team and coaches deserve a HUGE round of applause.  The incredible teamwork and stellar sportsmanship they showed this season was a pleasure to watch and made for a very intense season.  Way to go ROCKETS!!!

Now for my Mother's Day.  In years past, what I've really wanted for Mother's Day was a day WITHOUT my kids.  You can deny it, but I'd be willing to bet money you've had the same thoughts.  I'm a single mom, so it's not like their dad has been around to help the girls make my day special.  To me it seemed logical to really want a QUIET day by the pool with a frosty beverage and NO fighting children.  Well this year they made me proud.  After the night at the circus I had, what I intended to do when I got home was go back to bed.  What I got was a day at "Spa de la Morrow".  They had draped white Christmas lights around my bedroom, lit candles and turned on some ambient music on their iTouch.  

They gave me a back massage.  They applied a mask to my face, painted my nails, rubbed my feet, etc.  They got along for the most part all day long.  When things started to get sketchy, I'd just say "Happy Mother's Day" and it would click that I was giving them a HINT that it was my day, not theirs.  It was lovely actually.  Plus my dad helped them out on the gift end.  My hairdryer took a crap last week and I'd been using his all week.  So this was the PERFECT gift!! 

Bless my sister's heart.  She is days away from delivering her first baby and she managed to put together a wonderful Mother's Day meal for all of us.  It was delish!!  And then while sitting at the table (luckily my children were sitting at the coffee table) my mom handed me my card and and Mother's Day gift.  I should've asked her what my budget was...but I'm pretty sure just the catalog was my gift.  Now you all know where I get my humor from.

I hope that all of my mom friends and followers had a wonderful day and that they were cherished by their children.  Remind them that it's because of them that you pee a little every time you sneeze.  It's because of you that they are still living and breathing.  Tell your mom that you love her often...not just on Mother's Day!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Fighting the urge to BITCH!!!

I've come to the realization that I have a negative attitude about so many things in my life lately.  I feel like I'm ALWAYS bitching, moaning, whining, complaining or SCREAMING about something....whether it be my kids, my ex-dumb dumb, my job, my co-workers or whatever.  I still feel VERY justified in all of my grievances, but for the next 15-20 minutes (or however long it takes me to write this post) I'm only gonna think about what I'm grateful for.

1. I'm grateful for both of my HEALTHY beautiful daughters, who even though they OFTEN drive me INSANE...they complete me with their humor, intelligence, stubbornness and LOVE.

2. I'm grateful for my dad.  I'm so lucky to have him for all of the obvious reasons but also because I never have to cook or truly grocery shop.  I've never had to worry about a babysitter and haven't had to worry about daycare for the past 6 years.

3. I'm grateful that my mom is no longer 2000 miles away.  I'm thankful for her generosity and especially her love for concerts.  Because of her, the girls and I will be going to the American Idol tour concert and to see Brad Paisley/Scotty McCreery in concert...and her shoe fetish that she's passed on to Beelay and often finances.
4. I'm grateful for my friends.  Without them my strength, courage & confidence would crumble....and my life would definitely not be nearly as comical.

5. I'm grateful for my job.  Even though on most days I feel under appreciated and taken for granted, I'm still glad I have it.

6. I'm grateful for my Kindle, my blog, Facebook and my bed.  These keep me sane and give me a much needed escape from my crazy hectic life. 

Now that I've sat back and regrouped, I feel a little better.  I need to remember to do this more often.  I keep preaching to my kids to be grateful for everything they have and not to focus on what they don't have...along with the whole "life's not fair" speech.  I'm just not sure that I've been setting the best example lately.  What are you grateful for?  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

SEXting, Cyberbullying, Video Chat...OH MY!!!

I don't know about everyone else, but when I agreed to let Beelay have first, her own gmail account, then a Facebook, a cell phone, iTouch and now a Twitter and Instagram...I swore that I was going to stay all up in her shit.  I was gonna check all of them daily...and then I'd forget and maybe I'd skim through them once a week.  Now reality has sunk in and I'm realizing there isn't enough time in the day for me to spy and snoop on her in EVERY SINGLE avenue.  Then you throw in her sister and I'm screwed!!!  It could be a full time job...just cyber stalking my children!!!

Of course we all want to think that we can trust our children and believe "my kid would NEVER do that" when we hear stories about inappropriate texting, pictures or tweets, but in all reality it could just as easily be my kid, or your kid or the straight A student down the street.  As their parents it's our responsibility to first, explain and make sure it's understood that ANYTHING they post ANYWHERE can be shared!!  It doesn't matter how tight your privacy settings are or if you can trust "Jane" with anything..."she'd NEVER tell anybody my secrets".  If it's not something you'd be comfortable with your "Great-Grandmother" seeing...then don't say it or post it...PERIOD!!

Second; as a mom of daughters, my concerns and responsibilities are different than those of someone raising boys.  I'm always reminding Beelay not to take questionable pictures of herself for any reason.  But who knows for sure what her reaction would be if a boy was giving her attention and asked her to send him a pic, or if he IMs her talking about how nice her "rack" is, or even worse...talking about BJs or S-E-X!!!  We all know the day is coming.  What we don't know is how she's going to handle the situation.  She and I had a talk about it the other day.  Of course she wants to shut me down ASAP!!  "Mom, you know I'm not that girl!!  I'm not a slut!!"  But I'm not so easily satisfied.  Sure it's an awkward conversation, but she better get used to it now...because I'd much rather have these regularly occurring conversations than have to deal with her being raped or having to change a grandchild's diapers.  <---Just typing those words made my blood pressure shoot right through my dirty mind and on to the moon and back!!!

What I want her to do is shut down any boy that talks to her in any derogatory way.  Tell him to STFU, kiss her ass, whatever....I don't care what language she uses as long as she communicates that she won't tolerate being spoken to that way.  The problem is that girls are often starving for male attention and it doesn't matter what kind of attention it is.  And THAT is why I periodically (not nearly often enough) snoop through her texts, tweets, emails, etc.  Rarely do I even find anything worth bringing up to her, so she doesn't even know I've looked.  BUT when I do find that inappropriate conversation, if she hasn't shut him down the way she's been taught...I will follow in the footsteps of one mom I know and I will be calling the boys parents and shed some light on their son's behavior.  It will be up to them how they handle it on their end, but I hope that they explain to him that depending on the content of their conversations, contacting the police are within my rights.  And how harsh her punishment is will depend on how inappropriate the offense is.  Lord help her...I am NOT beyond locking her in her bedroom between now and her 18th birthday.

Unfortunately, there is no way for me to monitor her video chats.  So far the only people she really FaceTime's with are a few of her "girl" friends...which to my pleasant surprise they were quizzing each other on SAT words a couple weeks ago and ME!!  I kid you not, that pain in the ASS child FaceTimed me 8 times last night!!!  Instead of getting off the couch and coming to talk to me upstairs...she FaceTimed me.  Granted it might not have been 8 times if I hadn't declined half of them...but seriously, KNOCK IT OFF!!  We've touched on the appropriate behavior while video chatting though.  I'm just gonna have to hope and pray that when the proposition arises, she makes the right decision.

Now I'm going to DREAM about a nice, cold, tall, STIFF drink and maybe even a cigarette to calm myself after all of the anxiety this post brought to the surface of my life.  Talk to your kids...especially when it's an embarrassing or sticky topic!!  Follow me here and on Facebook at

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Beating the GAY out of your kids?

Seriously?  I just read this post on People I Want To Punch in the Throat. It's Jenn's reaction to a NC pastor that is encouraging his congregation to prevent their children growing up to be gay by physically correcting their behavior.  When I read it, I saw RED!!!  

This subject hits close to home for several reasons.  I'll start from the beginning.  I grew up in THE church...that's the Church of Christ.  We were at church on Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings and Wednesday evenings...and often small group or bible study another night.  Plus I went to a private Christian school from 6-9th grade.  Then all HELL broke loose!!  My parents got divorced!!  In all reality, shouldn't I have been able to lean on my Christian friends for support during this tragic upheaval of my life? You would think so....but nope.  Not only was I pulled out of my school because my parents could no longer afford the tuition...but my whole family was judged/shunned at church too.  

I can imagine the thoughts running through my friends parent's heads.  My mom was branded with a "Scarlett D" for divorcing my dad...and because we were her kids, we were considered the bad kids that would rub off on their perfect little angels.  Granted my sister earned that title fair and square...when her pack of cigarettes fell out of her purse in the middle of Sunday school.  But I didn't...until way later.  Eventually my mom stopped forcing us to go to church...and I've been turned off of organized religion ever since.

Now for the second reason this subject squeezes my heart so tight.  My brother is gay.  Sure we dressed him up in our Easter dresses and gave him 3rd degree burns on his forehead when we tried to curl his bangs.  And so what if he played with my Barbies with sister never did.  Oh and who gives a rat's ass if he chose to take dance classes instead of playing sports?  He's my brother and I love him just the way he do my parents, my kids, my sister...and anybody else that knows him.  He wouldn't be him if he wasn't gay.

I don't believe for one second that my parents could've changed his sexuality by forbidding us from dressing him up or refusing to let him take his dance classes.  I don't think it would've made a difference if they'd spanked him for playing with Barbies.  The only effect that would've had on him would've been that he wouldn't have felt like he was good enough, or loved enough....and would've forced him to be somebody he wasn't.  Everyone deserves to be happy.

I know that no parent really wants their children to grow up to be gay.  Their reasons may be different.  My reason is this: Life is hard enough without throwing sexuality into the mix.  The added struggles that being gay or a lesbian brings are nothing I would willingly set my kids up to have to fight.  BUT, if one day one of my girls comes to me and tells me they like girls more than boys, I will love them the same.  I will hug them and give them every ounce of support I can muster to help them live the life that they were GOD!!

I'm raising my girls to live by the Golden Rule.  I demand that they respect other people's opinions and choices and beliefs.  They don't have to agree with them, but they have to respect them.  They're not allowed to use the word "gay" as a put down.  They've been taught that you NEVER know who you might offend with your words...just like we try not to call people retards either.  If all parents encouraged their kids to just respect and accept those that are different from them, the world would be a better place.

As for the whole judgmental thing...I'm guilty of that.  The bible says not to judge...yet Christians seem to be the most judgmental of the bunch.  I judge people on their parenting, their work ethic, maybe even their political views or IQ...but I don't judge anybody by their sexuality, the color of their skin, the size of their house or the label on their clothes.  I hope that you'll read this and take something useful away from it...and teach your kids to respect themselves and others.

I'm now pushing my soap box back under my bed...til the next time I get fired up about something I feel passionate about.  Feel free to share this with your friends and follow me on FaceBook