Friday, June 8, 2012

Why They Call Me Grace....

Ya see, I have this problem...a deficiency really.  My body just doesn't produce nearly enough balance.  I trip over nothing, I fall  up stairs (and down), I run into door jams...the list could really go on and on forever.

But I have a logical explanation.  I was cursed blessed with enormous breasts!!  I mean the boys in my high school named them.  They really needed their own zip code, really.  I had to go to a specialty shop to buy bathing suits.  My tan line for my bathing suit top went half way down my ribs and I had to wear deodorant under those babies. 

So when I was 18, my mom successfully manipulated negotiated with the insurance company into paying for 100% of a breast reduction.  I was, I can't even come up with a word that describes how grateful and overcome with joy I was.  I was finally going to be able to wear shirts that buttoned up and buy those cute bra & panty sets.  People weren't going to only see me for my tatas anymore.

These are not mine...
Well, turns out God gave me these size 9.5 feet to help carry the heavy load of those bitches...and when I downsized, I effed up my equilibrium.  At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Despite the fact that I was the only one that tripped over Buffy's water bowl EVERY time I went over to Katie's house...even though it was ALWAYS in the exact same spot...from the 4th grade on. 

My gracefulness just intensified with my reduction in cup size and increase in SHOT size.  Me and drinking...we've had a hell of a history.  I see it only right that I share some of the better stories of our past.  Knock on wood, I haven't had any graceful disasters lately.

While sitting at our local watering hole...literally SITTING on a bar stool at a table, I was sitting there talking to my friends and leaning on the table.  When (what I can only assume) my elbows slipped off the table and my boot heels got hung up in the rungs of the bar stool...I face planted right there in the floor in front of everyone.  I apparently didn't even try to catch myself.  I think it just happened so fast...I couldn't even react.  I laid there laughing at myself for a solid 5 minutes (along w/ my audience/friends)...half expecting them to pee their pants, when they finally helped me up.

What out for them bushes:
Let me start this one from the end and work my way back.  One morning after a really fun night, Lollipop and I were pulling out of our friend's house that we'd crashed at the night before, when I look down and say "What the hell is on my skirt? It looks like berries or something."  And Lollipop precedes to tell me this: Well when we got here last night, you jumped out of the car and started running towards the front porch...but you weren't exactly running straight.  Your eyes kinda glazed over and you went running past the stairs and right into the bushes.  I could still hear your legs going even though you were flat on your back.  I couldn't get you up because I was laughing so hard.  I had to go get _______ to come carry you inside. Damn you, Jager!!!

Dirt road ditty:
We're all still arguing about this one, because I swear to GOD I wasn't drunk!!  We were out 4-wheeling.  Somebody got stuck and the rest of us were just walking down the trail.  Well Jinx pushed me...not hard, but hard enough to knock me off balance.  He says I fell, because it took me staggering 10 yards between the trail and the embankment before I actually landed.  What he doesn't understand is, that was me trying to steady myself after his push...and FAILING!!!  You pushed me acehole!!!

Worst of all....SOBER!!!:
It was 6:30am on a Tuesday morning.  I was rushing Slou down the stairs to grab breakfast and finish getting ready for school.  There was a nylon sleeping bag bag laying half way up the stairs.  I hit that sucker at full speed and it was like in the cartoons when somebody slips on a banana peel.  In my recollection, I see myself (in slow motion) going up 3' and landing flat on my back...and staying there.  I knew it was bad instantly.  I've never come so close to passing out and throwing up all at the same time.  I broke into a cold sweat.  I couldn't breath without crying.  Thank God my dad was there, otherwise that would've been an ambulance ride...and my girls would've been forced to go along for the ride.  As it was, he took them to school and then came back to take me to the ER.  I broke my T-10 vertabrae.  I was flat on my back in bed for a solid 2 weeks and it took MONTHS for it to heal...and I still have issues from time to time and it's 2 1/2 years later.  Sadly, that was not the first time those stairs kicked my ass...and it wasn't the last either.

So now ya know a little bit more of the story behind the mystery that is Graceful Disaster.  Feel free to share any of your graceful moments or mine that I left out.  Please click follow here and like me on Facebook here. To vote for me on Top Mommy the banner below.  Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend...nobody gets hurt.

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  1. Hee hee... love this! Blog Hopper here :)

  2. You didn't mention the gravel facial!! Just trying to help a BFF out

  3. Found you on the Blog Hop! I feel your pain; although, sadly, I am always sober when I trip or run my baby toes into something. At least every other year I end up on crutches for a sprained ankle. Thanks for letting me I'm not the only non-graceful one out there!
    Sarah @

  4. LOL sorry you got hurt...I have balance issues too, though I never got a breast reduction so I don't really have an excuse. I actually hate stairs I've fallen down so many, sprained ankles, broken elbows, big bruises. I'm convinced that stairs are a way to weed out the gravitationally challenged.

  5. I thought I was the least graceful person alive, and then I read this post. I'm sorry, but someone has to come in last.
    Sorry that you broke your back!
    I came here from the TGIF Blog Hop.

    1. This is from Marian @ just keep swimming.

  6. I feel your pain, except I am now left with shriveled up raisins so I have nothing except alcohol to blame my clumsiness on. Great post!! Thanks for linking up with us this week!!!

  7. Feel a bit bad that I enjoyed this post so much. My toddler is called Grace, and she is about as Graceful as an elephant. Hop hop..

  8. Thanks for following and linking up to hop. Following you back ;)

  9. Glad to have found you through the Mom's Monday Mingle blog hop! Love the humor, lol!! Have a great week!

    ~ Di

  10. Oh good, I'm not the only 'graceful' one. Let's just say my nickname in high school was "AP" for Accident Prone. ;) Found you on Mom Blog Monday - and of course am now following you. ;)

    The Sound Of A Million Dreams is As It Seems… the Dark Side. But I Wanna Talk About Me as I Said I Would!

  11. Lol can't say that I'm as "graceful" as you but I've had my moments especially my 9th grade year wearing some damn Cole Haan imitation loafers.