Monday, June 11, 2012

Swans & Playboys...

My parents divorced when I was in high school.  My dad temporarily moved in with my grandparents.  The timing really couldn't have been more perfect.  My grandma had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a couple of years previously and within a couple months of my dad moving in, Pappy had a stroke.  Thank God dad was there!! 

Pappy had been Grandma's sole caregiver and with him no longer able to fill those shoes, it fell on my dad. Some days he took her to an elderly daycare and some days he paid me to come sit with her while he was gone to work.

Grandma was an avid bridge player and swan collector.  She had all of her swans displayed nicely through out the house.  Growing up, we were always told to be careful around Grandma's swans and to NOT TOUCH.  Grandma hadn't had a lucid moment in months (that I was aware of).  This particular day, my brother had come along to keep me company while I stayed with her.  I was probably 17 and he was 13.  Most of the morning we had just been goofing off and playing cards or whatever, while Grandma talked to the t.v. screen (it wasn't turned on) and smoked her imaginary cigarettes.

Again, let me remind you that she hadn't had a rational conversation in a long time.  We were rolling a ball in the living room (we were BORED), not throwing or kicking...just gently rolling a grocery store bouncy ball back and forth to each other.  Grandma yells at us "Are you two looking for a tussle?  Because if you break one of those swans, I'm gonna give you one."  I remember looking at her and actually seeing her in her eyes.  She was there!!  I remember being scared SHITLESS for a minute...and then she was gone again.

We always knew those swans were her pride and joy...and that just nailed it!!  All we could do is laugh.  Grandma was 5' nothing and maybe weighed 90 lbs. and she was threatening to take us over her knee?  She'd been blank for so long and then it's those damn swans that bring her back?  You'd think that would've been the highlight for the day...wrong!

After this we decide to order a pizza for lunch and I went into Pappy's office trying to find the phone book.  I think I may have even called dad at work to ask where the phone book would be.  So I'm down on my hands and knees looking under Pappy's desk...and I see a bunch of magazines.  We're talking 5 piles that were probably 3' tall.  Huh? I've never noticed magazines on the coffee table....or on the nightstand or in the bathroom.  Magazines?  Where the hell is the damn phone book?  Then I pull the top magazine off the pile and sit up and turn the lights was a Playboy magazine circa 1965 (I'm guessing on the year).  There were FIVE 3' piles of Playboy magazines!!!

I was SHOCKED!!!  And gagging and my eyes were on fire!!!  I have no idea what ever happened to those things...I highly doubt dad held onto them, but could you imagine what they'd be worth now!!!  Needless to say, I quit looking for the phone appetite was gone!!!  I'm not a prude or anything, but the thoughts of my Pappy and Playboy in the same scenario...completely scarred me for years.  Now of course I find it HYSTERICAL!!!

And this leads me to my next story.... 

Beelay is staying with my mom for a couple of days.  Following is our FB chat earlier this morning.

B: I found _____'s (my mom's bf) Playboy magazines

Me: Oh.  I knew they were down there somewhere.  I still remember how creeped out I was when I found Pappy's.

B: There are naked women in there. Pretty gross!!!!!

Me:  Yeah, I know.  Just don't look at them...please.  Maybe when you're 16 or something.  They'll be worth a lot of money one maybe they'll be your inheritance.  HAHAHAHA!!!

B: GROSS!!!!  I already looked at them!!!

At this point, I guess I forgot that I was talking to my 13 year old daughter.  I had to stop myself from asking her if any of the pages were stuck together.  GAG!!!  Now she's scarred too...and at a much younger age than I was.  Oh well.  It'll give her something to laugh about when she's older...and her mind has been corrupted by our family's dirty senses of humor. 

Happy Monday!!  Hope everyone has a great week.  Don't forget to follow me here and like me on Facebook

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  1. Ha! Finally someone with grandparents as screwed up as mine! My grandma used to keep a gallon of Smirnov in her laundry room, which was across from her bathroom. She would walk down the hall to "go pee", flush the toilet, and come back with a 32oz tumbler half-filled with clear liquid. Hmmm... it was all very suspicious looking, and I was pretty sure she was peeing in the cup. When I found the vodka next to the Tide, everything became much clearer. :)

    I enjoyed your storytelling! I am your newest follower.

  2. Haha this was hysterical!! I lived a similar situation at that age too! Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog! Happy to be your newest follower!!

  3. I remember finding Playgirls at my aunt's house when I was a teenager. My sister and I were so grossed out, lol.

  4. Oh that is too funny. I remember sleeping at my grandmothers house once and she got up to get a glass of water. Shea was wearing a very sexy nighty- I wish I had found playboys lol.

  5. Hi!

    I'm Shar! Your newest follower from the blog hop!

    Come visit me over at:

    OH wow! Hilarious post! Looking forward to more!


  6. Hilarious! I've totally been there when I found one in my dad's bathroom. YUCK! You're never the same ater that, nosireee.

  7. Awesome post, thanks for a good laugh. You definitely gained a new follower today.

  8. My grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when I was in my twenties. I took my new husband to visit my grandparents and I had one of those moments where he was actually there. He looked at my feet and said, "Nice sneakers ___." (using my nickname)
    I thanked him and told him that my new husband bought them for me. He replied, "You don't have to talk like that. Keep it up and I will have you fired."
    And he was gone again...

  9. LMAO!!!!! LOVED THIS!! I am now a follower!!

  10. LMAO!!! I remember when I found my mom and her bf's stash of mags and a toy or two. I think I just threw up, haha...nice to know I'm not the only one scarred.