Thursday, December 29, 2011

You might be a gaming addict if....

When your grandchildren ask you before they have a snack and you yell at them that you're "in the middle of a battle".

You have to set a timer to remind you that you have a doctor's appointment ..but then forget what the timer is for.

The highlight of your week is a guild meeting with all of your fellow gamers.

You plan your errands around when the game server is down for maintenance.

If you bully your anti-gaming daughter into performing daily tasks for you when you're out of town.

Let this post act as a PSA for any of you that might be considering buying World of Warcraft for yourself or a family member. Think might save a life. Would you offer them a line of coke? It's just about the same thing. Happy New Year!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Deadbeat Parents...Please Stand Up!!

Let me start with this, for years I covered for my ex-husband.  I made excuses for him and sugar coated everything for my kids.  After all he is their daddy!!  But eventually I got bitter.  I got tired of lying to my kids in the hope that he would eventually see the error of his ways and change.  I got tired of them thinking he was a super-hero and I was the mean parent that made them do their homework, eat their veggies, brush their teeth and go to bed on time.  I wanted them to know that I was the super-hero!! 

So here we go.  Notice I said parents, not just dads?  There are deadbeat moms out there too.  There are so many factors that can put a parent into the deadbeat category (whether you live w/ your kids or not).  I'm going to try to keep this as neutral as possible.  The purpose of this post is not to vent or attack anyone.  My hope is that people will read this and open their eyes, see it from a new perspective and maybe make some changes in their own relationships with their children.  Here are the factors I've come up with: (they all kinda tie in together)


There's the obvious one, money or lack there of.  When you are blessed with the honor of being someone's parent, you're also being granted the responsibility of providing for them; putting their needs ahead of your own.  Your hobbies, vices and other wants get put on a back burner. 

Learning to make sacrifices for the well being of your kids is one of those hard lessons, especially if you're already a generally selfish person.  There are financial sacrifices as well as social, personal and professional.  For example, I quit smoking.  This falls into several categories.  Sure I needed to quit for my health, but I also wanted to set a good example for my kids.  I wish I could say I have piles of extra money just laying around because of it, but I can't.  What I can say is, now when the girls need a new pair of shoes or supplies for a big project...I don't have to say "we'll go get them when I get paid."

Children should always be able to depend on their parents.  As mommies and daddies, we should be the last ones to ever disappoint our babies if we can help it.  They are going to have plenty of disappointments in life that we can't spare them from.  Sure, there are gonna be times when things happen that are out of our control, but teach your children that it's important to keep promises.  One of my favorite sayings is "Say what you mean and do what you say."  Don't say what you think I want to hear just to make me happy for now, if you don't intend to follow through.   

There is no such thing as a part-time parent.  Just because you may only get your kids every other weekend, does not mean you're off duty the rest of the time.  Don't think that just because it's Christmas, it's your right to spend time with your kids even though you've maybe been too busy for them the rest of the year...whether you were working or hunting or playing ball or hanging out at the lake.  Be a consistent presence in your kid's lives. 

Make time for your kids.  If they play sports, make the effort to get to their games.  If they dance or sing in the chorus, show up for their performances.  As they get older, they're going to be less and less interested in spending time with you.  Take advantage while you can.  And once they are older and you see them less and less, make occasional dates to just grab a burger and hang out for a little while.  If you've remarried or have more kids, make sure your kids still know that they're important!!

Just because they're kids, doesn't mean they don't have feelings and don't deserve respect.  In every decision I make, I think about how it's going to effect my children.  I consider what kind of example I'm setting for them.  Would I want them to make the same choice when they're adults?  Dependability, sacrifice and consistency are all related to respect too...and honesty.  As they get older, you lying to them or making false promises is more of a slap in the face than you might realize.  If you choose to put yourself in a bad situation, think about how your kids might feel or if you'd want them to think it's okay to be in that same situation.  Once you get past the selfish part, it's really quite simple.

Your children learn a majority from your example.  If you have a bad attitude about something or suffer from road rage, chances are they will too.  If you make terrible financial choices, it's likely they will too.  If you're kind and thoughtful, hopefully they will be too.  In order to raise your children to be responsible adults, first you have to be responsible yourself.  Part of being responsible is making the right choices, especially when they're hard choices and not the choice you want.  Does this make sense? 

Simply existing in your child's life does NOT count as parenting!!  Spend quality time with your kids.  You watching t.v. downstairs while they're playing on the computer upstairs is NOT spending time together.  You dropping them off and picking them up after their basketball game is NOT being an active parent! Stay for the game...cheer them on!!  So whether you're the primary parent or not...make sure you're actively participating in your kid's lives!!!


Monday, December 12, 2011

From the mouths of 7th graders...WARNING: This is NASTY!!

Again, let me warn you before you read any further...this post will make you GAG!!!

If there is one thing I'm certain I have successfully instilled in my children, it's a sense of humor.  However, if there's one thing I've most definitely failed at, it's control of the censor on/off switch!!  If it's funny to them, surely it must be funny to everyone else; including but not limited to their grandfather and uncles.  Keep this in mind as you read the rest of this post.

Allow me to first ruin that craving you've had for Mexican...for the rest of your life.  Turns out middle school girls have new words for "embarrassing" things.  For example; when I was in 7th grade, we referred to having our period as "Aunt Flow was in town".  We NEVER even thought to discuss "discharge".  As I'm currently stifling gags, I can tell you that my 7th grader and her friends find it to be a hysterically entertaining subject to talk about.  They've even got their own "code word".  Are you ready for it? Wait for it...

Make sure you've swallowed that last sip of water!!  They call it....


Now, take a minute to recover from that before you read any further.  We'll now move on to the subject of "queefing".  What is a queef you might ask.  <This is when I go to to copy their definition...but got completely distracted and laughed til I cried> According to, it is a vaginal fart (v-fart) that usually only occurs during intercourse.  But I can promise you that is indeed NOT true!!  I've witnessed it.  These girls can do it on command by laying on the floor with their feet in the air and rolling back and forth allowing air to build up...resulting in a queef.  My child didn't see anything wrong with educating and demonstrating this to my MOTHER!!  I was mortified!!!

But during my "research" for this post, I came across this:

In the eighteenth century, it was common practice for small groups of well-to-do Southern women to each lift up their corsets and "queef" at their leisure on warm, summer afternoons. Typically performed on balconies or porches, these women would insert various large objects in their TOOTS and slowly pull them out to create the desired sound. These "porch parties" would provide hours of fun for the ladies while the men were away, and, from a practical standpoint, at times, enough air circulation as a respite from the brutal summer heat. Small wagers were often placed with the winner going to longest continuous queef, highest pitch, lowest pitch, smelliest, and wettest. There was also the queef sing-a-long; and a special prize was given to any women whose queef could attract wildlife.

So maybe my kid was from the 18th century in a previous life?  I don't know about you and your friends, but mine usually sit around and drink and play cards or have the occasional jewelry, tupperware, or pure romance party....but this brings a whole new meaning to "Girls night in".  What are y'all doing this weekend?  HAHAHA...sorry, couldn't resist.

Now picture the look on my dad's and brother in-law's faces when my 13 year old walked in the den and broadcasted that she just let out the loudest queef ever!!  I'm pretty sure one of them choked on their beverage...but I jumped up and escorted her out of the room to have "a come to Jesus" meeting about what's appropriate and what is NOT, before I could actually see/hear their reactions!!  Apparently Jesus didn't make a big enough impression on her because the whole tutorial with my mom was only a couple days later.

I warned you all from the very top that this post was I really hope that the next time you see me or my kid in person, you won't look at us any differently than you did before today.  She'll kill me if she ever reads this, but I had to share my discomfort and the later humor of the situation with all of you...mainly because a few certain friends INSISTED that I had no choice in the matter, but to BLOG.  She really is a very well-behaved and well-mannered young lady, most of the time.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Peek into my morning...

Here's an update on the contract/happy ticket comedy show...

My 13 year old, that thought this was the lamest idea a true believer!!  She's like a different child...her words!!  She still has her normal hormonal little cases of turrets, but she's been SOOOO much more pleasant to be around.

Warning: I believe in spanking my children

Now on to the other 10 year old is not a fan!!  Maybe it's the ADHD (which we all suffer from, so not likely) that makes her feel like she's gotta constantly be riding the emotional roller coaster.  Example: She had a GREAT afternoon yesterday and even into the evening.  We were running a little behind schedule because of her Wed. night dance class.  She ever so sweetly asked me if she could wait til this morning to take a shower with me.  She promised that she would wake up in a wonderful mood and she would have a great morning....and if she didn't, she'd give me ALL of her tickets.  Well, she kept half of her end of the bargain.  It was all rainbows and butterflies til it was time to actually get dressed.  MELT DOWN!!!  

Me: Ok, let's hurry up and get dressed and get you can get some happy tickets.

Slou: But mama, it's sooooooo cold!!! 

Me: Well, the faster you get dressed the faster you'll warm up.

5 min. later...and I'm already dressed

Me: Why don't you even have your bra & panties on?

Slou: Because I'm FREEEEEEEZING!!!  Why are you yelling at me?  You hate me!!  I don't even want any happy tickets.

Me: I'm not yelling at you, but my patience are about gone.  How about oops tickets? You want some of those?  

Slou: NO!!  There is NOTHING about oops tickets in our contract anyway!!

Me: (Said as calmly as possible-but not very calmly at all) I am the mom and the BOSS and I am allowed to revise the contract any way that I see fit.  Now get dressed.  (At which point I end up dressing her like a 3 year old).  Please go in your room and put your socks & shoes on.

Another 5 min. pass...and I've almost finished drying my hair, when I look in her room and she's sitting there doing absolutely NOTHING!!  But jumps up when she sees that I've noticed...and acts like she's been doing what she was supposed to all along. Now, I walk in and pop her ONCE...not sure if I made contact with her leg, her butt or her back...since she was flailing like a fish out of water.




Slou: (With tears & snot running down her face...screaming at the top of her lungs) WHAT PROMISE?

Me: That you would have an amazing morning or you'd give me all of your happy tickets.  I think it's time for you to give me all of your happy tickets.

Slou: (Said so matter-of-factly) Oh, well I don't have any happy tickets.


Slou: I was just gonna give you the ones I earned this morning.



5 min. later...the bipolar child walks downstairs with a smile on her face and the sweetest attitude.  Another 5 min. later, her sister has pissed her off and we're all being accused of hating her...AGAIN!! 

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Love Me or Hate Me....I'm just gonna be ME!!

So, I've been having a REALLY hard time wrapping my head around this whole blog thing.  I've been torn between writing socially acceptable things or to just be ME, the whole shebang.  I've been worried that some of my family, former family or parent related friends might find the REAL ME to be rather offensive....and then it dawned on me!!  This is my blog!!  I can write about whatever the hell I want to...and if you don't like it, you don't have to read it. 

So here are a few of the topics I've been toying around with:

To all you haters - BLACK FRIDAY KICKS ASS!!
Raising well-mannered smartasses - a girls guide to queefing & queso.
Dead beat dads, please stand up!!
12 Steps - Living with a gamer/hoarder.
My day at the circus...I mean loony bin.
This is my bubble - Teach your kids how to respect it.
CUSSING & potty mouths - When they're appropriate and when they're NOT!!
Sarcasm - It's an art form.

Let this blog entry serve as a warning or a tease of what is to come.  If the thought of these topics made you smile, click follow...even if it's just for shiggles (shits & giggles).  If you were at all offended, please see yourself to the door!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Putting bad attitudes & sassy mouths out of business...

Being the mother of 2 girls (10 & 13), I get loads of attitude and sass thrown at me daily.  I've been plotting a plan of attack to try to put both the bad attitudes and sassy mouths out of business.  It's gonna be an uphill battle, considering I'm pretty sassy (witty & sarcastic) myself.  But here's my plan:

I've typed up individual attitude & chore contracts for each of the girls and for myself.  I'll attempt to attach a link for them on promises.  But I customized them to each kid, based on my expectations, their age and capabilities...and specific things they might need to work on.  I also reserved the right to revise the contracts as I see fit...probably every couple of months. 

Part of the contract is a rewards and incentives.  I came across these "Happy Tickets" on Pinterest. Not only can they earn an age appropriate allowance, but with happy tickets, they can earn extra little treats.  They can earn tickets by having exceptionally good attitudes, being thoughtful, taking initiative when they see something needs to be done, being nice to each other, etc.  After putting these into action last night, a new idea came to me.  I'm going to make "oops" tickets too.  They'll get them for having to be asked to do something more than once, or back talking, fighting, forgotten homework, etc.  When they've received 3 "oops" tickets, they have to give me back one of their "Happy Tickets".

When I first handed the contract to my 13 year old, she thought it was the DUMBEST thing EVER!!  She said "Mom, I'm 13!!  I can't help it if I have a bad attitude.  All girls my age have bad attitudes!!"  She went on to have a FABULOUS attitude all evening and earned herself 6 "Happy Tickets".  Her sister on the other hand, had a little bit harder of a time.  She had a great attitude about the contract to begin with, but she couldn't quite wrap her head around the fact that if she did something nice and then coughed a hint hint (I'm being nice...give me a ticket), she wasn't going to get a ticket.  She then stomped off and pouted about it.  She didn't understand that even though she didn't throw a full blown fit and didn't talk back...her grumpy demeanor prevented her from earning as many tickets as she thought she deserved.  She only earned one, for jumping up to brush her teeth and getting in the bed when she was asked to.

I'll keep you all posted on how this goes...and any revisions I come up with.

Shelby's Contract:
Bailey's Contract:

My Contract: