2013...So Far Kinda Blows

Don't let the title of this post confuse you.  I'm happier than I have EVER been.  I'm in love with an amazing man that would move heaven and earth to make me happy.  I have high hopes that in reality 2013 is going to be an amazing year for us.  But right now, 21 days into the year...I'm just sad.

My Gramma passed away week before last...and although it was expected and it was definitely her time, I miss her.  I really didn't shed many tears at the time, but I think it's caught up with me now.  She was an amazing woman and I'm so grateful that God picked her to be my grandmother.  She was a feisty fun Gramma.  She clogged long into my childhood.  She sang all the time.  She was a talented artist...and she had a hysterical sense of humor, even after Alzheimer's took most everything from her; she would crack jokes and act silly.  I love you Gramma.

My morning started off great today.  Most Monday mornings don't begin with me waking up next to the man of my dreams.  It just so happened that it's MLK day and the girls are not only out of school today, but they were both spending the night out last night...so I got to spend an extra night with him.  So for all intents and purposes, I should be in a fantastic mood!!!  I was...even when I was walking his crazy ass dog up and down the street begging her to poop.  Even when I had to leave before him to get to work.  

But then as I was making my trek into the office, I had to pass the cemetery.  The one where my best friend is buried.  The one that I pass on a regular basis now, but haven't made the time in a while to just stop by.  I always think of her when I drive past.  Some times I even say "hi" out loud.  This morning I said "Good Morning Ter...I miss you!!" and then I promptly lost it.  I haven't truly shed tears for her in months.  She's been gone over 7 years now and not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but I haven't bawled my eyes out over the void she left in my heart in a long time.  Apparently today is the day that I'm making up for that lost time.  

I called my sister wife, expecting her to cheer me up.  But what does that bitch do?  She starts crying with me!!!  I had an intense dream on Friday night that I lost her too.  I don't remember the details of the dream, but I woke up devastated and paralyzed with fear.  It took a while to catch my breath and convince myself that it wasn't real.  So, just so we're clear...Chiquita, Lollipop & Sunflower; y'all are not allowed to go anywhere for a VERY long time.  I need your crazy asses to balance me out...and Dumpling, I love you so much it takes my breath away and this sadness has absolutely nothing to do with "us". 

Then add that the Falcon's broke my heart just a little bit yesterday too...and you've got all of the ingredients for a perfect storm.  Hopefully writing about all of this will get it off my chest and I'll be done with the tears and go on to have a fabulous Monday.

PS: I'm co-hosting the GFC Blog Hop tomorrow.  Check back in the morning to hop along with us and find some new blogs worth following.

In Loving Memory...

Saturday marked the 7th anniversary of the day my whole world shook. Growing up you think you'll live forever. When you hear about parents or grandparents or kids dying, you think "Oh that will never happen to me. That only happens to other people." Then your grandfather might pass away from some old people's disease...you experience a little taste of loss. Then maybe an uncle that lived a hard life fighting his demons might go before his time. But then you're still convinced this is as bad as it'll get. Then one night when you're laying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep...when you hear your phone ringing downstairs and you think about ignoring it...but decide to run downstairs to answer and then you are on autopilot...driving to the hospital in a trance, praying that it's all just an overreaction. Then you're 10 minutes from the hospital and your phone rings again. You answer and you all the sudden feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. You manage to hold it together long enough to drive the rest of the way to the hospital...continuing to pray that the doctors were wrong. That they had their patients mixed up. I run to the ER entry and my legs buckle and the reality starts to set in. My world as I know it...will never be the same again. 

I can try to explain how the tightness in my chest felt like it was smothering me, I was drowning. How I felt like I would never catch my breath again. The hours that I spent crying in the shower so my kids didn't see how broken I really was. How I put on a brave face and made the trek every day to make sure her sweet 15 month old baby was okay.  How my heart broke when I'd be rocking her to sleep and she'd call me mommy, because she didn't understand why Beelay & Slou could call me mommy and she didn't have anyone to call mommy anymore.  I can tell you all about how I would call her cell phone just to get her voicemail so I could hear her voice again, but until you lose your best friend...you'll never be able to truly grasp the feeling. 

I hope that none of you have ever felt that earth shattering pain. And as bad as it was on me, I'm not the only person she left behind. The void that her mom, sister, husband and baby (who's now 8) had to learn to live with...is something I hope I never experience firsthand. 

On September 29, 2005 my best friend Terri Christine Kown Turner died of a massive heart attack at the age of 27. For weeks I wrote down every memory I ever had of her.  I was terrified of forgetting her.  For years when I really wanted to talk to her, I wrote to her. I have a journal full of entries of what I needed to say to her. That was the best therapy I could've ever had. While I miss her every.single.day, I've healed. I don't spend the entire day engulfed in grief anymore. I spend it remembering her and cherishing the time I had with her. I thank God for the wonderful mom he brought into her daughter's life. I believe if Terri could've hand picked her stand in, she would've picked her. 

So let this be a reminder that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Let the ones you love know it. Live every day to it's fullest. And cherish every second that you have.  Part of me feels guilty, but I know that Terri wouldn't want any of us to spend the day being sad. Rather than cry for my loss, I laughed and made new memories with some of my best friends. I love and miss you every day. Your memory will live on through me and everyone else that you touched. 

I know this post is bound to make some of you cry and for that I'm sorry.  That was not my intention, except that it means that through these words, I've touched your heart.  If you're new to my blog, please follow me through GFC, Facebook, or Twitter.  Also, take a second to click the banner below to help me in my rankings at topmommyblogs.com.  Happy Monday.

 

Hell Week...NO, I'm not using this as my "H" post

This has been HELL week...and it's not over yet!!!  We're finishing up the 3rd week of school here in this beautifully chaotic suburb of Atlanta.  How is it that I'm already running on fumes this early in the school year?  

Let me tell you about this week.  First of all my sister, who I'm very close to; had to put her dog down on Tuesday.  She was only 7 and what appeared to be a stomach bug that lasted for over 2 weeks, after a couple visits to the vet and then a 4 day stay over last weekend, everything within reason had been tried and nothing was helping her feel better.  It was a hard choice to make, but she was obviously suffering and didn't deserve to endure anymore.  Rest In Peace Cubby Bear Princess...you'll be missed you pain in the ass!!  That being said, my sister has been a wreck, as has SLou.  They both share the softest of hearts when it comes to animals.

My sister and I work together...and understandably she didn't have it in her to come in the first half of the week.  Which puts a heavier load on me at work (not complaining...just explaining).  I've also been nominated as the "President" of the booster club for the h.s. volleyball feeder team.  I'm sure the title is only to make feel special...but I did volunteer to organize all of the necessary forms, coordinate volunteers, etc.  So on top of 3 nights of practice this week, a trip to urgent care with Beelay (turned out to be nothing...shocking), curriculum night at the middle school and doing the job of 4 other people at work this week....my home computer & internet are fighting with each other, Beelay had her first science project due today (stayed up with her until 12:30 this morning finishing it up) and we have an all day play tomorrow!!  

I'm leaving something out...I know I am.  OH!!!  Sweet Baby C's 2nd birthday party is tomorrow afternoon...I really hope I can make it.  And Sunday is filled with all kinds of crazy excitement, but you'll have to wait until next week to hear all about that.

Add two crabby hormonal girls at home to a grumpy old man, a dog that should've never outlived Cubby, peeing and pooping all over the damn house and a cat that should've ran out of lives 8 years ago, that apparently has insomnia and likes to tell the whole house about it from the middle of the hallway EVERY night at about 3am....MY WEEK HAS BEEN HELL!!!  On a positive note: I just hit 100 followers!!!!

Needless to say there hasn't been much time to blog.  Hopefully a truce will be made between the technology in my house and maybe I'll get to my "H" post before the deadline on Sunday...If not, I'll do it whenever.  This feels like it was more of vent/whine/make excuses kinda post...but whatevs, I feel better for it.  You can always follow me on Facebook here. And it would be totally rad, if you'd click on the banner below to keep my rankings afloat while I'm drowning in my real life.  Have a great weekend!!!

Funerals...Your Last Opportunity To Show A Little Respect

Some would say that our social circle has been cursed by death.  We've lost so many special people, many young and before their time.  Some from natural causes and others from tragic accidents.  I realized this past week, that I've been to way too many funerals to even remember who's funeral was at which funeral home anymore.

Because I've always been the optimistic sort, I'm just gonna say I was blessed to have had the opportunity to know and love so many people.  I'm thankful for having each of them in my life, even if it wasn't long enough for my liking.  This weekend we said goodbye to an amazing man and I was so touched by the incredible outpouring of so many people.  The chapel was filled to capacity and the rest of the building was standing room only.  It was unbelievable.  The procession to the cemetery was led by police escort, with his Harley being carried by a United Towing wrecker, followed by 30+ motorcycles and then miles of other cars and trucks.

I was moved by the young man that had been jogging in the park when we passed.  Who stopped on the walking trail and put his hands behind his back and bowed his head.  The cars that pulled over out of respect and the people that were in their yards, that stopped and stood with their rakes in hand waiting for the procession to pass.  But then there was the truck that saw an opportunity to pull out and cut into our procession, to which we pulled up next to and motioned for them to pull over (which they did).

There were however a couple of things that just pissed me off!!  There are certain things that I just consider disrespectful and unacceptable when it comes to funerals.  First of all, turn your damn phones OFF!!!  Under NO circumstances is it okay for a grown woman to be playing/texting on her phone during a funeral!!!  Second, take your hats OFF!!!  I realize this was not the most traditional service, seeing as Walter was buried in his favorite Harley Davidson shirt with the sleeves cut off...because that's who he was, but he was also one of the most respectful people I know and he deserved for every single person in there to take off their hats.  Third, I understand that everyone has somewhere they need to be.  We're always in a hurry.  But don't EVER cut into a funeral procession.  It wasn't just the one truck that cut in front of us...in their defense, I don't think they'd realized what they'd done  until we politely informed them.  I saw at least 2 other cars jump in and even turn on their flashers as to appear to be part of the caravan until we hit the entrance to the cemetery and they kept on.  ASSHOLES!!!

As a parent, it is my responsibility to teach my kids what is expected.  I hope that everyone else will too.  That being said, it was great seeing so many people that I hadn't seen in years.  We had a party that would've made Walter proud.  No more tears...only laughter as we remember a great man!!!

If you're new to my blog, I promise I'm normally quite funny and entertaining.  Please follow me here or on Facebook.  Take a minute to click on the banner below to cast your vote for me at topmommyblogs.com.  Have a great week and be on the look out for my Week 3 entry for the A-Z challenge.

Week 3: A-Z Challenge (CRAP)

Here we are at week 3 of Love Kate's A-Z Weekly All About Me Challenge.  "C" has proven to be a little bit like a flittering lightening bug.  I'll think I've nailed down which path I want to take and then like a bubble...poof it's gone.  "C" just might be a "see you next Tuesday"-ish kinda week!!!


I've come up with several witty ideas for this week, but before I could find the time to actually sit down and put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), this week went to CRAP!!  Now I just don't have it in me to be funny and Charismatic...and if I did, I'd just feel guilty.


When I got home from the beach last Friday night, I got a text letting me know that a close family friend had had a stroke.  He has been like a grandfather to my girls since the day they were each born.  Early this morning Peepaw took his last breath and went on to that big party in the sky.  

I know the last thing he would want any of us to do is sit around and CRY about it.  So while I'm feeling like CRAP, I'm gonna tell y'all about Peepaw.  For as long as I've known him, he's always been a fun lovin', hell raising kind of guy with a heart of gold.  To him, everyone was family...but he loved his kids and grandkids fiercely.


He always told the best stories and gave the best hugs.  He'd been known to throw a few punches every now and then too, but even those usually ended in laughter and hugs.  His dancing would crack anybody up.  

When I sit back and think about him, I see a strong man wearing his denim cut-off muscle blouse, with a toothpick in the side of his mouth, picking at his fingernails with his pocketknife and telling a story. Or I see him boiling the tires off his truck, just to see the smoke and see if he could burn rubber all the way down the street.  He was a man that I'm honored to have known and loved.


Alpharetta will never be the same.  You have left a mark on so many of us.  Now you go on and catch up with Papa & JD and everyone else that went on before you.  I sure hope they have cold beer and motorcycles in heaven....if not, rest assured we'll all be drinking one for you tonight.

Peepaw with Justin & Slou

Rest In Peace:

Walter Lee Pettyjohn

October 14, 1953 - July 19, 2012

I Swore I'd Never Be That Girl...

Ok, so I just read a post on Motherhood Truth. This is my response to her question: How would you feel if you were picking up or dropping off your kid at school and there was someone smoking, right there in plain sight??? 

I started smoking when I was 15.  I'd sneak out my bedroom window and smoke on the roof and then RUN in and hop in the shower...certain that my mom didn't have a clue.  Turns out 15 year old's in fact do NOT know it ALL!!  When I got busted, she pleaded with me..."I loved you enough to quit smoking when I got pregnant with you, love yourself enough to quit now." Blah blah blah...my response was "I'll quit when I get pregnant."  She promptly cut me off!!  I mean she made sure I was fed, clothed and didn't go without...but the only money she gave me was enough for lunch money and that was it.  No way was she going to give me an allowance that I in turn would spend on cancer sticks.

So...who knew those words would come back to bite me in the ASS?!?!  I got knocked up at the ripe old age of 20!!  I quit cold turkey...but of course my husband didn't and after I popped that 8 pounder out, I quickly started puffing away again.  I didn't smoke in the car with my baby...but he did.  I didn't smoke in the house...but he did.  Because we were idiots and didn't figure out how it happened the first time...I got knocked up again (kidding...she was planned).  But this time the quitting cold turkey was sooooo much harder.  I probably averaged 3 sticks a day.


I LOVED smoking!!  Especially after my divorce.  It was my solace...my escape from reality for a brief 10 minutes at a time.  I could go sit on the back porch (the one who's roof I used to sneak on to) and have a few desperately needed minutes of SILENCE!!!  My girls knew not to bother me when I was out there...they'd patiently wait just inside the door for me.  


As they got older and started school, I was embarrassed that I smoked.  I didn't want any of the other parents to know I smoked.  If they had a friend over, I'd either wait til they left or I'd go hide somewhere and sneak a few puffs.  Then they got to the point where they were embarrassed too.  Beelay didn't even want me to smoke in my car after I dropped them off at school or on my way home from work because one of her friends might see me.


I wanted to quit.  I knew I didn't want to continue setting this horrible example for my kids.  I knew I couldn't afford the rising prices.  BUT dammit...I LOVED it!!!  Finally, on Jan. 1, 2010...I did it!!!  I quit!!  I swore I'd never be that girl though.  The judgmental former smoker that thought "If I can do it, so can you."  The one in the group that would say "I really don't wanna go there because it's so smoky."  Guess what?  I became that girl...usually silently, but all of those thoughts were there (they still are).


I was always respectful of non-smokers.  So when I ran to the bagel shop the other day to pick up lunch and these two guys were standing right at the door, shooting the shit and puffing away...it PISSED ME OFF!!  It wasn't raining, it wasn't cold...it was a beautiful day!!!  Why not walk away from the door...so everyone walking in or out or who was sitting right inside the door, didn't have to inhale your pollution?  


So when I read Motherhood Truth's post...I had to answer!!!  Besides it being prohibited, I think it's disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant and foolish for parents to even think about smoking in the carpool line...or in the parking lot or on the playground or soccer field.  WAKE UP!!!  It's 2012!!  I don't think smoking should be banned.  I don't think that smokers should be butt raped by taxes.  If they want to smoke...have at it!!  Hell, smoke one for me...but seriously people, don't force it on those that have chosen to take their health seriously!!!

A Heavy Heart ...

My heart is being weighed down by so many different emotions right now.  I'm not sure if I can even put it all into words, but right now my need to write about it is so overwhelming.  Our circles of friends have suffered so many losses in the 16 years since I graduated.  We've have had drug overdoses, car accidents, heart attacks and other tragic accidents.  It's been a few years since we've all had to come together to mourn one of our own.

My morning was shaken with news that has caused a hurricane of unexpected emotions.  I don't know where to start because her story is so sad and tragic, it could be the basis of a Lifetime movie.  We met in high school and quickly became friends because our boyfriends were thick as thieves.  We were never up to any good either.  Back then it was Countrytime Lemonade and tequila. We cruised the back roads of Alpharetta, usually looking for our hell raising men.

Shannon and Philip were a fixture in our lives.  They came to the hospital when Beelay was born.  They were a constant in Beelay's life.  I have a vivid memory of her being barely 2 years old, down on her hands and knees picking up change in the driveway with Philip.  And him teaching her to sing "Money, money, money"....and swinging on the swing set together.  They were at our house every weekend and often during the week.


When they got engaged it was no surprise when she asked me to stand as her bridesmaid along side her little sister as her maid of honor.  It was an honor that I was never able to fulfill.  I'll never forget that day.  It was Nov. 1, 2000.  I woke up to a message on my answering machine from Shannon saying to call her as soon as I got the message, that it didn't matter what time.  I have no idea what time it was when she called, but when I called her back; her step-mom answered the phone and the words that came out of her mouth brought me to my knees.  "Philip was killed last night while riding 4-wheelers."  I had never been so affected by someone's words in my life.


One week to the day before they were supposed to get married, we buried Philip.  Devastated  doesn't even begin to describe Shannon's pain.  I won't lie and say that their relationship was perfect, it wasn't.  But their relationship was her EVERYTHING!!  Her grief was palpable.  I tried to comfort her as best I could, but I was at a loss.  I had no idea how to help her...I was 22 years old and had no experience or idea how any one of us was supposed to move past this kind of tragedy.  

When Shannon turned to going out and partying it up to keep her mind off it...I judged her.  Looking back now, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. But at the time I was married with a 2 year old and I just couldn't relate.  We grew apart a little bit at a time.  Eventually we lost touch all together.   Until after my divorce.  I had been rear-ended and her dad owned a body shop and she'd been on my mind a lot...soooo I stopped in to see her dad and see how Shannon was doing.  Only to be surprised by the fact that she was there, working for him and was 8 months pregnant.  It felt like God had brought us back together just in time.  We rekindled our friendship and got together often...for a while.


For the life of me, I can't remember why we lost touch again.  I don't think it was anything specific.  We just got busy living our lives and raising our kids and lost touch.  The next time our paths crossed we ran into each other at Chili's.  We exchanged numbers and talked about getting together soon...but it never happened.  Then our circle suffered another loss, Charlie fell from a cell tower and was killed instantly.  I made the call because I figured I was the only one that had her number.  It's crazy how we all get busy living our lives and in an instant we're all brought back together again.


She reached out to me more times than I can count.  I am filled with guilt for not being the friend to her that she needed.  I can blame it on my kids and being so busy with them or I can say it was just because we were in different places in our lives.  But the God's honest truth is I didn't know how to be her friend anymore.  She was a constant reminder of my old life and I didn't know how to transition it into my grown up adult life.  The last time I saw her, I actually tried to avoid her....because I just didn't know what to say to her when she would tell me she missed me and our friendship.  It's funny though, while I was trying to avoid her...she spotted me from across the pool and knew it was me from looking at the back of my head.  We talked briefly about our kids and that was it.  I haven't seen or spoken to her in probably 2 years.


So this morning when I heard the news, I felt guilty for even being sad.  I feel like I was a shitty friend to her and therefore I have no right to even mourn her death.  I was happy to hear that she had found happiness again and had remarried, but heartbroken to find out she left behind 9 week old twins.  My heart and my head are all over the place.  I'm sick over the fact that her 8 year old son, her step-son and her 9 week old daughter & son are now going to grow up without their mommy.  The scars that were left behind from Philip's, Charlie's, Terri's & JD's (only to name a few) deaths have been ripped open and are now raw with sadness and regret.


Shannon, I'm sorry that I wasn't the friend you needed me to be.  I'm sorry that your children, your husband and your family have to find the strength to go on living without you...just like you had to find it when you lost Philip.  I hate that yet again, we're all coming together to say goodbye to one of our own.  Rest in peace.  You'll live on in our memories and in the eyes of your children.


***I'll update as soon as I know of any of the arrangements.