Friday, April 27, 2012

Living on the safe side...

Contrary to common belief, I'm a sissy!!!  I don't think I've always been this way.  I'm pretty sure it's because of past failures.  I am not a risk taker.  If something's not guaranteed, I'm not buying. 

I've been working for the same company for over 12 years.  It's comfortable.  I have plenty of perks, but the company has been struggling financially most of the time I've been there.  Specifically after 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the current Presidential economic crisis.  I've known deep down for several years that I should be looking for a new job.  I can blame it on my loyalty to my boss or any of the other positives of my job, but the truth of the matter is; I'm absolutely terrified of not just rejection but also that I will be absolutely miserable in any other position.  It's dumb, I know...but change = PANIC!!!

Since my divorce, I've lived with my dad.  I pay my way, mostly.  My divorce left me in financial ruins.  I had a foreclosure and a repo on my credit, so my cars have been in my dad's name, as well as my car insurance and cell phone....but I do actually pay for all of it.  I also pay roughly half of the household expenses.  So in reality, I can probably totally afford to move out on my own.  But the thought alone sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. The fear of not being able to make it on my own, providing for my kids and having to turn around and move back in...keep me frozen.  I've saved for years to buy a house...and every time I've gotten close to actually being able to do it, something has happened.  First I was in an accident that totaled my almost paid for car.  Then SLou had to have surgery.  Then my hours were cut at work.  It's always something.  Therefore, I've made the decision to stay where I'm at until my kids both graduate from high school.  Judge me if you want...but taking that chance is just too risky for my psyche to handle. 

So I've been divorced for a LONG time....8 years is a long time, right?  Well when I first split from him, I made a vow to myself and to my children that I wanted to make certain I could be happy by myself.  I told myself that I wouldn't be that mom that rushes in and out of relationships, dragging her kids along with her.  I figured a year...maybe 2 would be more than adequate.  And I can tell you whole heartedly, I am completely 100% happy being single. 

I've dated a little over the years, but haven't really put myself out there in a LONG time.  I'm so scared of being hurt or rejected that the walls I've built are 50' tall and bullet proof.  I'm terrified of bringing anyone into my kid's lives and it not working out, that I'd just assume stay single and stay busy being their mom...I mean where would I pull the time to date from anyway?  But who am I kidding?  I'd love to find Mr.'s the courage it takes to find him that I don't have.  This subject could be a whole different blog of it's own....stay tuned :)

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