Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wanna bet?

I'm taking bets on which of my girls will be the death of me.  Which one will finally break that thin thread that is holding my sanity neatly inside my body.  At this point, it's anyone's game.

Yesterday, Beelay had volleyball tryouts at school until we were already gonna be later than normal getting home. 

B: "Ma, can I go to Main Event tonight?" (it's a Wed. night youth program at a church down the street.)  

M: "B, I don't know.  Let's get home first and we'll talk about it." 

B: "Well, I gotta know.  It starts in 30 minutes." 

M: "Are you serious?  Then I'm sorry.  The answer is no."

B: "MOM, it's CHURCH!!!  You're telling me NO to CHURCH???  It's the first time I've been able to go in weeks.  I really want to go!!"

M: "B, you think you've been busy?  Who's been driving you all of those places?  I'm sorry.  This is the ONLY night all week we don't have something going on.  You're not going."

B: "You're mean...."

Fast forward an hour or so.  Slou ran her mouth and got sent to her room. Beelay sat on the couch and played with Squirt.  Slou was called back downstairs and set the table.  Both girls bickered and Slou took it too far again and got sent to her room again.  We ate.  I called Slou back down to eat by herself and the next thing I know Beelay is gone on a walk with Squirt.  WTF?!?!  I tell my sister that I'd rather her (Beelay) come back in and help with the dishes.  She says "Oh, I'll help with the dishes."  Well thanks, but she has responsibilities and she keeps getting out of them because she's helping with the baby.

When she got back, I asked her to wipe the table off and wash the 3 hand washable pieces in the sink and wipe down the counters.  Trust me...that was getting off easy.  Dad doesn't know how to cook without dirtying up every dish in the kitchen.  She reluctantly does what she's asked and then I tell her that as soon as her sister is out of the shower, I want her in it and in bed by 10pm.

Here's what actually happened.  Let me start with a little TMI.  My lady parts have been kicking my ass so badly that it's hurt to stand up straight for almost 3 days.  So after I finished with my duties, I had a date with my heating pad and my DVR.  Slou took a shower, finished her homework and then came to lay with me.  At this point, where should Beelay be?  That's right, in the shower.

Instead she is baking EFFING cupcakes for her soccer team!!!  WTH!?!?!  And sending me the following texts.  Can't you feel the love?

I finally went downstairs after I tucked Slou in.  I seriously stood there and watched her unload....the....dishwasher slower than molasses.  She finally comes upstairs about 9:45...but did she get her stinky ass in the shower?  Oh hell no!!  She ran a damn bath!!!!!!  I had to remove my loving heating pad from my womb 3 times to tell her that time was up and to get out of the bathtub before she actually did.  Wanna know what time she finally got in the bed?  11pm!!!  Because of this, she is staying home this weekend.  No football games.  No birthday parties.  No sleepovers.  And what's really gonna suck is Sat. night....because I'm not staying home with her.  She can hang out with Pa!!  I'm checkin out for the night.  Peace!!!

Keep in mind that I reminded her multiple times that I needed to leave a few minutes early this morning and to make sure she had all of her volleyball stuff together before she went to bed...because she has tryouts again after school and practice with her other team after that.

I woke her up nicely at 7am.  I woke her up again at 7:15am...not as nicely.  She kept promising "I'll be ready!!"  At 7:50am (not early btw)...I was in my reverse, when she ran out the door brushing her teeth!!  She spit in the front yard and gargled with a cup of water and spit again and jumped in my car.  Are you serious?  Then she says "OMG, I hope my bra is in this bag!!"  What?  That's right.  She had to maneuver her DD's into their over the shoulder holder in the front seat of my car on the way to school.


So in case you thought you were riding this roller coaster alone, you're not.  I'm sitting on the front row...with my arms held high above my head, screaming at the top of my lungs and praying with all of my might that I'm still alive when the ride is however many years.

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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Lollipop...Is My Best Friend!!

And I bet she thought I forgot about her birthday.  I promise I didn't.  I just haven't been in the right mindset to give her the proper attention that she deserves.  I've finally kicked that nasty writers block to the curb and I'm ready serenade my best friend...(I'm singing that line in my best Tim McGraw impersonation).

Lollipop and I met in high school.  I knew who she was...and well she probably didn't have a clue who I was.  She's not very good with names or faces...actually she sucks at them...bad!!  Anyway, there was a fight at the city park one afternoon after school.  Looking back, I don't think I'd ever seen a fight in person before...besides the occasional ass-whooping I'd give my sister.  I think I was there with my boyfriend at the time.  It was one of his friends fighting another guy.  I was enthralled...mesmerized.  I wanted a front row seat.  I guess I wandered off from my boyfriend and I was making my way towards the front of the crowd....when Lollipop grabbed my arm and said "Hey, let's go to the front!!"  And she pulled/pushed me to the front...where we witnessed my bf's friend get the ever living the shit beat out of him.  It's funny.  Boyfriends and even a husband have come and gone....and we're still best friends.

She gets me....and I get her.  She is my person.  She is my cheerleader and my voice of reason.  She is my rock and my shoulder to cry on and my ear to vent to.  She and I are soooooo totally different...that it just clicks.  Her birthday celebration was a little lame.  There weren't enough giggles to justify a whole clowny installment.  It wasn't anyone's fault.  It just happened to fall in the middle of a really busy time and we had to celebrate on a Friday night...and Friday nights are just typically LAME!!!  So instead, I'll tell you some other fabulous birthday stories of "Giggles & Lollipop".

Lollipop doesn't drink very often....I mean she'll have a beer or two every now and then, but she doesn't really DRINK but maybe once a year and there's a VERY good reason behind it too.  There was the birthday where she was drinking keg beer out of a straw...that night ended with her hanging her head out my passenger side window and me holding her in the car by her back pockets while I drove her home.

There was the year Sparky had to carry her out of the bar before she got kicked out for throwing a mostly full beer bottle at some random dude...and it shattered and spewed all over the wedding party hanging out on the deck.  That night it ended with her head out her own passenger window, while I took pictures and Sparky drove us both home.

Then there's last year!!!  Last year is probably why this year was low-key LAME.  Last year it started with us having a nice dinner & margaritas....just the 2 of us.  I don't even think we really planned on going out after.  But some how we ended up OUT...and so were a ton of our friends.  When I spotted Lollipop walk past an occupied table and not so subtly walk off with their pitcher of beer, I knew it was time to go.  I offered to drive Banjo, Big Daddy & Lola home too.  It was like herding cats!!  I finally got her outside, while Big Daddy or Banjo tracked the others down.  While we're standing outside waiting, Lollipop strikes up a conversation with these 2 guys...that we don't know.  I can literally see the wheels turning in her eyes.  I knew she was up to something....and then in slow motion, she clocks both of them in the face at the same time!!  Before they could even react, I grabbed her and threw her in the car.

We get back to Lola's and decide to hang out for a little bit before I take her home.  We get her tucked in on the couch, all nice and cozy.  The rest of us were just hanging out in the kitchen...talking, cutting up and venting.  When I go to check on Lollipop...she's GONE!!!  I look in the bathroom...out on the deck, in the garage...I run out to the car EMPTY!!!

SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!!

I run back in the house.  "Ummmm, guys I can't find her!!!"  Banjo & Big Daddy come help me look for her.  As we're driving up the street, Banjo says "What the? Uhhh, I think we found her."  She had walked up to Gumdrop's she figured out which one is his, is beyond any of us.  We both have a hard time remembering which one is his when we're stone cold sober.  She had walked in his front door, straight into his guest room that was occupied by another couple we know (THANK GOD)...and promptly face planted in the floor and woke them up.  They asked her if she was ok...and she just got up and walked back out the door.  When we found her she was puking in the bushes next to the mailbox.  We got her back in the car and drove back down to Lola's to let her know we found her and as we were driving back up to Gumdrop's to drop the boys off...she puked all in my backseat.  It was a chain reaction!!!  Banjo jumps out of the car gagging, Big Daddy ran for the nearest bush and yakked...and I was choking back my own vomit from the stench and the sounds.  It must've been Big Daddy's parenting experience that allowed him to help me handle this situation.  I'm driving to Lollipop's when she starts feeling bad again....she's got her head out the backseat window of my car and he's holding her in this time and I'm just praying that the smell will one day get out of my car.  I finally had to pull over into a little strip mall for her to puke some more.  The sprinklers come on and I jokingly ask her if she wants to run in the sprinklers...that I'll do it with her if she wants to.  I'm thinking if I can get her in the sprinklers at least she can wash the ralph out of her hair....THANK GOD SHE SAID NO!!!  About this time a cop pulls up behind us.  He didn't even get out of his car.  He yelled from this window asking if everything was ok and if I was ok to drive.  He probably didn't really want to know the answer.  He was probably thinking "if this girl isn't okay to drive, then I'm gonna end up with this other drunk bitch in my car and then she's gonna puke in my patrol car."  So he quickly just took my word for it that I was okay to drive and that we had the situation under control.  20 minutes later, we were home safe and sound.  Whew...

So needless to say, it was probably about time Lollipop had a low key birthday celebration.  Just be year it is ON!!!

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Week 13 - {M} for Music

I'm finally caught up...and ahead of Kate in her weekly challenge.  It's week 13.  I'm a music junkie...especially live music.  Concerts can get a little pricey, so I'm not above frequenting a few local watering holes from time to time to get my music fix.  Plus the people watching at concerts and bars are second only to the airport.

My all time favorite group to see in concert is Sugarland.  Jennifer & Christian put on a phenomenal show.  It's high energy the whole time...I'm just ready for them to come out with some new music, so I can justify spending the money on tickets next time they come home for a show.

We were Zac Brown groupies before they made it big.  We watched them in parking lots and hole in the wall bars all over the Atlanta area, before they were performing on awards shows and singing duets with Alan Jackson.  They also put on a spectacular live show. 

If you've never heard of Corey Smith, you should totally look him up.  He's another Georgia artist that we've taken mini-road trips to see live.  His audience continues to get younger and younger and we continue to get older.  The last time we saw him live, we thought we were rockstars.  Turns out we're not.  Who knew? 

My first concert was Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.  I've seen NKOTB a handful of times.  Garth Brooks, Sawyer Brown, Martina McBride, Brooks & Dunn, Hank Williams Jr., Lady Gaga, Natasha Bedingfield, Keith Urban, Toby Keith, Little Big Town, Taylor Swift, Luke Bryan, Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, Lynard Skynard, Allman Brothers, Charlie Daniels Band, Merle Haggard, Jake Owen, Montgomery Gentry, Styxx and Def Leppard.  I'm sure I'm leaving some out...I'm just drawing a blank.  As you can see, I'm more of a country fan...for live music anyway.  I find it rather interesting that my top 3 picks are local Georgia Artists.  Apparently we know how to grow 'em.

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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Week 12: L = Love

Moving week 12 in Love Kate's A-Z All About Me Challenge.  As I've said before, I'm truly enjoying this challenge.  It's challenging me to get to know myself better in the process.  I'm digging deeper into me and what makes me tick than I have in a VERY long time.  I'm contemplating things that I've buried away for later reflection...and then conveniently forgot about.  Well, it's later...a long time later.

There are so many different kinds of love.  There is the love that I feel for my children.  There is the love that I feel for my parents.  The love I feel for my siblings.  The love I feel for my friends.  The love I feel for this blog and my readers. The love I feel for a favorite book, movie, song or band....sports, smells, places, sounds, etc.

I have spent the last 9 years healing from the destructive love I felt for my ex-husband.  The last time I gave that part of my heart to someone, it was trampled into pieces.  I glued those pieces back together a long time ago...and then built big strong walls around it to protect it from being shattered again.

Although I'm jaded and VERY scared of this kind of love, I think I might be ready to give it a shot...or at least think about giving it a shot.  Over the past 9 years I've learned that I don't have to give anyone my whole heart.  I won't let any one person be responsible for all of my love ever again.  It will not rule my world.  It will not make or break me as a mom, friend, daughter or sister.  I'm still gonna be me.

I've also spent a lot of time thinking about what I think are important qualities that the next person I give a piece of my heart to should possess.  First and foremost, he better love and respect his mama...but not be a mama's boy.  There's the obvious ones, like a job, a vehicle, a sense of humor, manners and a brain.  But he's also gotta have patience, a voter's registration card & good character.  He's gotta be comfortable with the fact that some of my best friends are guys.  He's gotta be trustworthy and trusting.  He's gotta be a little bit crazy...and little bit sane to even me out.  And he has to understand that he'll always come 2nd to my girls.  He'll have to woo my friends too. 

The list of things that will get someone pink slipped is a little shorter.  I don't do jealousy.  I've been there, done that and burned the t-shirt.  I won't tolerate lying.  I won't crawl up your ass, so don't crawl up mine.   Say what you mean and do what you say.  I'm too old for games.  I think that sums it up.  I don't think I'm asking too much.  Do you?

To be clear though, I'm not ready to start trolling the bars lookin for a sugar daddy.  I'm not registering at every online dating site.  Hell, I'm not looking for anything.  All I'm saying is I'm open to the idea of someone coming into my life.  If it happens great...if not, that's fine too. I'm happy exactly where I'm at.

PS: Facebook, Twitter and (Sorry...I'm getting lazy and running out of catchy ways to primp myself out)

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Week 11 - These are all of my favorite K's

I'm still trying to play catch hopefully you're getting 2 A-Z posts this week.  You know you're excited.  I think it's really week 13 in Kate's challenge.  I'm not even sure anyone else is still participating at this point, but I'm gaining so much internally that I'm gonna keep going all the way to Z!!  So here we are at letter K.  I really think K may be the hardest letter so far.  Where's my dictionary?  I need some help with K words.  Someone has stolen my Webster's out of my office!!  WTF?!?!  Who steals a dictionary?  Dumb people. That's who.  Obviously they needed it worse than me...seeing as I am the Royal Grammar & Spelling Queen in these parts.  Who needs spell check? Not this bitch...

Well for shits and giggles, I took a little visit over to everyone's favorite dictionary.  Once I got to Urban Dictionary, I clicked on K.  You wanna go look at what came up and get a little giggle?  I'll give you a minute...go ahead.  Although there was some entertaining vocabulary content, it really didn't help me get any closer in my quest to find the perfect K word.

So rather than getting even farther behind in this A-Z challenge, I'll just tell you my favorite things that begin with K.

10. Most other Kids
9. Kickball
8. Keith Urban
7. Kittens
6. Kisses
5. My Kids
4. Kiwi
3. Kindness
2. Chiquita <---Her real name starts with a K
1. My Kindle

Do me a favor and don't judge me because I like Chiquita and my Kindle more than I like my kids.  Come spend a day in my house and you'll understand why.  The first K word that might come to mind is KILL...just kidding. 

Brace yourselves.  I know it might come as a shock, but here's my spiel.  Please follow me here on GFC, Facebook and Twitter....and please click the banner below.  Happy Tuesday...

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Monday, September 24, 2012


So if you've been paying attention, you know I grew up in a "Christian" home.  You also know how well that worked out.  If you're new here, long story short....we basically ate, slept & breathed church until my parents got divorced and then we were shunned by all the judgmental, hypocritical Christians.  I'm not bitter, really I'm not.

Apparently the whole Sunday school lesson about not being a hypocrite didn't make as big of an impression on most everyone else.  Please allow me to remind you of the definition:

Definition of HYPOCRITE

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion
2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings 
I'm grateful for the time that my family spent going to church.  I really do think that, despite my experience, it taught me to be a better person.  I believe in God and I don't believe I have to go to church 3 days a week to get into heaven.  I may cuss like a sailor, over indulge in drink from time to time and pass a little judgment here and there....but what I don't do is preach to everyone about my beliefs.  I don't quote scripture on my Facebook status.  My about me section isn't filled with how much I love Jesus or how thankful I am for God's love.  I am a Christian and I pray and I try my best to make good choices.  I do feel like I've failed my kids by letting my experience hinder me in helping them build a relationship with Christ.

I should probably back up and explain what got me fired up about this in the first place.  You know that nifty little section on your Facebook page titled "People You Might Know"?  Well last week a certain person popped up.  Someone that I try not to let affect me.  Someone that has contributed to the hurt & disappointment that my kids have felt.  So of course my curiosity got the best of me.  I'm nosy by nature...sue me.   Of course I snooped around and when I read their "About Me" section....I wanted to throw up, scream & punch someone in the face.  Does broadcasting how much you love God help  you sleep at night, after you've had the words of the devil projectile out of your mouth and onto my children?  

I've always tried to be the most genuine person I can possibly be.  I'm constantly coaching myself to take the high road.  I know that part of being a Christian is being able to forgive someone even if they're not sorry and not letting them affect your life.  It's REALLY hard with this one.  Not only has this person inflicted their venom on my children, but they're continued lack of gainful employment affects our lively hood.  I don't name names and I try hard to keep this category of my life out of this blog.  But DAMMIT...I'm tired of being the better person.  I'm tired of being the one that gets up and goes to work every day so my kids don't grow up on welfare and can have the things that they deserve.  It kills me knowing that this person blows money they didn't earn on extras that I do without.

Of course the right thing for me to do is pray for them.  I'm sorry my prayer list is full of prayers for children dying of cancer, children being kidnapped and forced into a life of sex trafficking and for my own kids to grow up to be NOTHING like the people that have hurt them most.  Now that I've gotten that off my chest....deep breath.

I think I must really need a weekend with my friends to lighten me up.  These non-funny posts are getting old.  You know the drill.  Facebook, Twitter and the banner below are begging to be clicked on....just do it!!!  Happy Monday!!!

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Who Are You? And What Have You Done With My Sweet Baby?

I feel like I'm sliding down a very slippery slope and quickly losing grip of my sweet baby.  Slou has ALWAYS had a strong personality.  She's often abrasive and loud, but she's also got this sweet side and a funny one too.  But lately...lately she's not been that sweet or funny child.  I don't recognize her sometimes...or well I take that back.  I recognize the behavior/personality traits.  They are very familiar to me, but not coming from my sweet Slou.  I'm noticing more and more similarities between her and her dad.  

I don't mean to make this a trash dumb-dumb segment.  Let me explain.  When he and I would fight, he would shut me out and yell as loud as he could for as long as it would take until I just dropped it, because I'd always realize he wasn't hearing me anyway.  She is sooooo much like him...the good parts too.  I could be madder than hell at him and he could crack a joke just like that and I couldn't help but laugh and then he'd think everything was fine again....and because I just wanted peace & harmony, I'd sweep it under the rug until next time.  Eventually that wasn't enough and I gave up and left him.  I can't give up and leave my baby though.

Monday morning I asked to see her agenda so I could sign it from Friday.  You would think that I'd learn to check the damn thing on FRIDAY!!  But I don't...and then it affects my Monday.  She had 4 agenda marks from Friday!!!  FOUR!!!! I saw RED!!!!!  She hadn't turned any of her homework in on Friday and that's not the kicker.  The kicker is that I'd asked her every day if she had language studies homework or math or geo challenge.  She blatantly lied to me.  She told me that they weren't doing language studies last week because they were working on their writing assessments and that they were doing their geo challenges in class.  I believed her.  You see, up until recently....she's always been a straight A student.  She was my kid that got off the bus, fixed a snack and immediately sat down at the table and knocked out her homework.  Where did that angel go?

Now she lies like it comes naturally.  She watches entirely too much TV....and when she gets in trouble she accuses me of hating her and tells me that she'll make everyone's lives easier and just kill herself.  For a little while, I reacted to those statements.  Telling her "you know I love you and that it hurts me when you say those things.  You have to take responsibility for your actions that got you in this mess to begin with."  Then I realized she was manipulating me to make me feel sorry for her and lighten her punishment.  Now I just tell her I love her and send her to her room.  I'm at my wits end.

She's lost TV entirely this week, but she's lost it during the week indefinitely!  Unfortunately, I don't think any amount of punishment or reward matters to her.  I'm looking into counseling.  I just truly want to get to the bottom of this before she's moved on to middle school next year.   

In the car yesterday, Slou tells me that her dad gave her some advice.  "Oh yeah?  What's that?"  She said "He told me that maybe if I have a better attitude about school when I get there in the mornings, maybe I'll have a better day."  Oh wise words...that I've been saying to her for 11 years!!  But maybe it just took her hearing it from him, rather than her nagging mom, for it to actually click.

We had a heart to heart last night...ya know since there's no TV anyway.  We talked about her grades and how I knew she was fully capable of straight A's.  That she just had to put forth some effort.  I asked her how she would feel if she failed the 5th grade.  She told me "Thanks mom.  That really helps my self-confidence."  "Well honey, if you don't start turning this around...that's EXACTLY what might happen."  

We talked about trust and honesty.  I explained to her that right now, I don't trust her.  That it's like the boy crying wolf.  She's going to have to earn back my trust...and that means that I'm going to check her homework every single night.  It means that I'm no longer going to be able to just take her word for it.  We talked about how she feels when people let her down.  We discussed unconditional love, that even though I'm very disappointed in her...I still love her VERY much.  I'm praying that she's finally seeing the big picture here.

There!!  I finally finished one of my posts that's been sitting in my drafts for a couple of days.  I'm ready for my life to go back to being filled with rainbows and butterflies....wait, oh yeah, that was when I was 10.

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Writer's Block

I'm suffering from a serious case of writer's block.  I've got at least 3 partial posts in my drafts, but I just can't seem to finish them off.  It's weird.  Usually a "topic" just pops in my head and over the course of the day, the words flow from my fingertips and magically appear on my screen.

Maybe it's just the crazy hectic schedule getting the best of me.  Maybe it's this cold/allergy haze that keeps threatening to kick my feet out from under me.  Maybe it's the terrible stress I'm feeling over my children lately.  Maybe it's the lack of money growing on my tree out back.  Or maybe it's all of it combined, but I just can't seem to fully focus on anything long enough to follow them through to completion.

So instead let me just use this opportunity to complain and cry in my coffee Coke Zero.  I worry that Slou has turned into a masterful storyteller and not in a good way.  Lies roll off her tongue as if they're her fluent language.  When asked about her homework, she doesn't skip a beat.  She has a perfectly logical reason why she doesn't have any.  Only they're not TRUE!!!

I also fear that Beelay has either transformed into a guiltless hypochondriac or I'm about to fork over money that hasn't yet sprouted for doctor's visits.  She has been complaining about back pain for a few weeks now.  When mentioned to the pediatrician, she blew it off and just recommended stretching.  Now, she's sat out of the last 2 practices and hasn't played a full game in 2 weeks.  I didn't pay for her to NOT play volleyball.  There are only 2 weeks left of the season.  Am I being insensitive by trying to force her to play through the pain?  If you ask her, YES!!!  So off to urgent care we went again last night (3rd time with her since July).  They are convinced it's muscular and that she probably just needs to take a couple weeks off and treat with heat and anti-inflammatory meds.  If after a 2 week break, she's still hurting...make an appt. with an orthopedist.  Of course the doctor said that if she could push through the pain, that she didn't think Beelay would do any permanent damage.  So what's a mom to do?  Bleed money, apparently.

We went to see Brad Paisley, Scotty McCreery & The Band Perry in concert on Saturday night.  It was really a great long as I tuned out my bickering spawn.  One felt the need to constantly be in my personal bubble.  I can NOT stand being smothered, especially when it's 90 degrees and 200% humidity.  Add the competition for my attention and you've got an irritated mama.  Thank GOD for my mom and step-dad (it's easier than calling him her boyfriend after 12 years).  They successfully separated them from each other and from me.  It's amazing how much more space you have when everyone spreads out on both blankets instead of trying to squeeze onto one corner of one of them.  Note to self: do not take ungrateful brats to another concert together until they are old enough to be your DD and buy their own tickets.

Hopefully this inconveniently timed writers block will hit the road soon and I can get back to my more entertaining bubbly self.  Until then do a girl a favor and click the banner below and like me on GFC, Facebook and Twitter.  Happy hump day ya'll!!! 

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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Week 10: J = Juggling

 It's week 10 already in Love Kate's A-Z All About Me Blog Challenge.  My life right now is quite the juggling act. I'm wearing so many different hats I've color coded them. Problem is I can't remember what day of the week it is let alone what color hat I'm supposed to be wearing. I work with my sister but she's been on vacation (off for the past 6 work days), so I've been carrying her load, plus we're in the middle of our busiest season with most everybody traveling, so on a daily basis I'm typically doing my job plus the jobs of at least 3 others. 

Combine that with the regular mom duties of homework, laundry, keeping house, driving these little snots everywhere they need to go and referee their cat fights!! Plus the honor of being the "president" of the volleyball booster club carries another list of responsibilities. I'm juggling more than my share. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I just whine a little bit to make myself feel better at the end of the day when my floors still need to be swept and there's still 2 loads of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. 

This week we're also throwing a doctors appt., a hair appt., cheer/dance class and 2 afternoons of tutoring into the mix. The latter 2 are going to be weekly recurrences.  The way I see it, the busier we all are, the less time for anyone to find any trouble to get into.  Lord knows they'll find enough trouble without even looking for it.  Seriously!  You can't 'baby-proof' windows so 11 year olds can't open them....without nailing the suckers shut!!  I like sleeping with my windows open too much to do that I'm thinking about duct taping her to her bed or nailing her door shut. <---I'm kidding, but you get my point...don't you?

It also helps me justify my self-proclaimed mandatory OFF night every other weekend. My sanity demands it. I've got to have a little time away with my friends. I love my children fiercely, but they know EXACTLY how to push my buttons. I need at least 15-18 hours away from them bi-weekly to decompress. Slou still frequents her dad's house...which might explain the climbing out windows and acting like a 3 year old behavior.  Beelay however, does not go to her dad's anymore.  That's for another post somewhere later down the road.  Bottom line, in order to be the mom that I strive to be...I have to distance myself every now and then.  I have to let my hair down and take all of my color coded hats off and just put on my party hat.

One of these days, I hope to fall in love again.  I've even put myself out there a little bit.  I've got a date on Friday night (nothing's Lollipop's birthday dinner), but shhhh...don't tell anyone.  He probably reads my blog.  If he does, I just want him to know that it's about damn time and I'm very much looking forward to it.  What scares me though is this, what color is left for that hat.  As badly as I want to find my happiness outside of mother, daughter, sister, Tia (auntie), friend & employee...I'm worried that I might drop one of my hats.  Make sense? I'm sure that I'm probably worried about nothing.  I mean he's the one that's been patiently waiting for me to open my eyes for several years now.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?

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Monday, September 10, 2012

Chiquita Turned 30!!!

Last week was another one of those Hell weeks!!  I've been so slammed at work and at home...and still no solution to the computer/internet crisis either.  I really want to tell you all about my sister-wife, Chiquita's birthday party...while it's still fresh in my mind.

Let me start with telling you that she is like the CIA!!!  She can dig and stalk and she won't give up until she walks away with some really good dirt.  She also has a little bit of a psychic tendency.  You can't hide SHIT from this BITCH!!! 
Sake Bomb!!!

Probably 3 weeks ago, I get an IM from her that says "Ok, who put Skittles up to planning my birthday party?"  To which I replied "Huh? What are you talking about?" But in my head I'm thinking "Oh shit, what did I say that gave anything away?"  Ya see, Chiquita & I are both OCD planners.  Skittles is too, but when it comes to me and's just expected that one of us is going to plan the others stuff.  So when Skittles started asking questions about dinner, it raised Chiquita's sense of awareness.  I'm pretty sure I threw her off the scent with my playing dumb act.  Because in reality, neither Skittles or I were really planning her party.  We were just given the task of getting her nosy ass out of the house for a certain amount of time and there was no secret about where we were going to dinner.  The traditional sushi and sake bombs are a must!!

We successfully got her out of the house so her mom could take over from there.  Of course while we're en route back to the hizzy after dinner, her mom calls Skittles and asks if we can stall just a little longer....ummm, yeah none of us were in the same car with Chiquita.  The only person I knew for sure was with her was Zippy...and he SUCKS at keeping secrets or a straight face.  I call him and tell him to run to the store and play it off....and I promptly get a text from Chiquita stating "He sucks at deferring. Just sayin".  So obviously she knew something...but she still had no idea what her night had in store for her.

Gene Simmons surprised her with a birthday serenade.  Okay so it was really one of her uncles from Indiana.  He and her other uncle drove into town to surprise her.  Apparently her "ESP" was on too.  She woke up the morning of and just had a "feeling" one or both of them were gonna be there.  In addition Sunflower and Otis worked together to put together a wonderful slide show of pictures of Chiquita ranging from birth until now.  It was great!!  I learned where Chiquita got her LONG tongue from too.  Uncle Gene!!!

We had a heart to heart on the deck with Sniper.  Where he was doing math equations on the glass communicate just how good of a man Captain Knuckles is.  When he ran out of space, he just poured his beer on the table to erase his work and waited for it to fog back up.  We were enthralled, let me tell ya.  It was time for Captain Knuckles take his cheerleader home when he decided to go all "Stone Cold Steve Austin" on us and throw a chair off the deck.  Your point was made.  Next time lets keep it all on the deck. Mmmkay?

We ended the party with a SUPER wedgie.  Poor Jinx should've known better than to ever lay on the floor face down....especially when us ladies have been drinking "a little".  His little bubble butt is often just too hard to resist.  The Birthday Girl just couldn't help herself.  Thank goodness Otis got the perfect shot.  

On the way home (thank you Jinx for not leaving us in MY car), I read our favorite blog out loud and almost peed my pants.  You can read it here. I'd love your input too.  It's about when it's okay to fart in front of a new "lover".  OMG!!!  I'm crying now just thinking about it.  

Which leads me into the day after....

We had a wonderful day on the lake.  The water was refreshingly cool.  The weather was beautiful and the company was priceless.  Chiquita's uncles joined us on our little excursion.  They were HILARIOUS!!!  While Chiquita, Zippy, Sunflower & I were relaxing and floating around in our newly discovered little cove...all the sudden Chiquita says "Ewww, I just swallowed my own fart bubble."  I love my friends....even especially at their nastiest!!

Happy birthday Chiquita.  I love you.  I'm so grateful for the day that you were brought into my life.  Your influence has helped me to continue to grow as a mom, woman and friend.  When my whole world is upside down and running at 173 miles an hour, you are my sanity.  Thank you for continuing to share my same thoughts and I don't feel like I'm the crazy one.

To my readers: I hope you've enjoyed this latest Clown Adventure.  Please follow me here on GFC or Facebook or now we're even on Twitter too.  Please take a second to click on the banner below to help me dominate at  The competition is fierce!!!  Thanks and have a happy Monday.  I'll tell you about my morning later :)

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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Fight On...Bitches!!!

Like probably every other mother out there, I had hoped that my teenage daughter would be the exception to the rule.  That she would never roll her eyes at me, question my authority, ignore me, test my patience beyond any safe level.  Of course I knew better...a LONG time ago!!  That kind of wishful thinking will always turn around and bitch slap you if you're not paying attention.

Currently we are having a battle of the wills.  God did not give me the gift of strong will.  I'm known to be the easygoing compassionate person in the room.  But God gave me girls.  Two very tenacious, haughty & STUBBORN girls.  One of which is under the impression that if she pushes hard enough and yells loud enough, she's going to break me and take over as the dominate female in the house.  She is sadly mistaken.

Last night was one of those nights where I refused to let her get the best of me.  She fights me on taking a shower EVERY.SINGLE.TIME!!  Well she played in 4 volleyball matches last night.  When I helped her take off her shoes and knee pads, I almost passed out.  Not bathing was OUT of the question, yet she wanted to bargain and finagle with me....swearing that if I just let her go to sleep, she'd get up this morning and take a shower.  Yeah right!!  

We got home from volleyball at 8:30pm, ate dinner, sang happy birthday to Slou (because her cake was a day late) and then the fight was on.  From 9:15-10:30 she was laying face down on her bed, whining about how tired she was or yelling about how mean I am and "why can't you just give in to me ONE time?!?!"  All the while her sister is already in bed TRYING to sleep.  It would've been easy for me to just give in and let her take a shower this morning or NOT, but by this point it was no longer about whether she needed to bathe or was about who was in charge!!!

This could actually be a scene from our night....
All the while I was taking deep breaths and successfully not losing my temper, I was calm and collected.  I respectfully asked her 2,349,000 times to quickly get in the shower and explained that in the amount of time that she's fought be on this, she could already be bathed, in the bed and ASLEEP!!!  Unfortunately her brain is not programmed to take calm and respectful seriously.  She thought I was a joke.  She laughed at me, she cried at me, she stood naked in her room, stomping her size 9 foot at me and shook her naked ass in my face....basically telling me that it didn't matter what I said, she was indeed NOT taking a damn shower.  Again, she was sadly mistaken.

This is where I straddled the line between standing firm and child abuse.  I NEVER wanted to be that mom that screamed at her kids, I NEVER wanted to be that mom that spanked or slapped their children (GASP!).  I honestly still never actually lost my temper, she just thought I did.  Popping her butt no longer has any effect, screaming doesn't either, but thumping her on the forehead....that's a whole other can of beans.  She wailed the whole time she was in the shower...but guess what bitches.  I WON!!  She was clean!!  And surprisingly wanting to cuddle before she went to bed...of course blaming it on me by saying "Well I'm not tired now that you made me take a shower."  

How did her morning go, you ask.  SHITTY!!  Exactly the same way it does every morning.  Wake her up at 7am as I'm walking out to take Slou to school.  Wake her up AGAIN when I get home at 7:20.  And AGAIN when I get out of the shower at 7:30...answered every time with "I'm up, I'm up, I'm up" or "I know MOM.  Leave me alone!!"  She finally sits up and stares at herself in the mirror for 5 minutes.  Then stumbling to the bathroom, then complaining about having NOTHING to wear...while I'm giving her a running count down.  "I'm leaving in 15 minutes, 10 minutes, 5 minutes...I'm pulling out of the driveway in 2 minutes with or without you."  "MOM, I'm coming!!!!"  Someone please tell me where a shower would've fit into that equation this morning.  GAH!!!

The bipolar roller coaster that a household living with teenage daughters rides, is running at full speed at our house.  I hope I can keep up and not throw up in the middle of an upside down loopty loop.  I've always been a firm believer of "picking your battles", but right now every one of them is important.  If I don't stand my ground....they're gonna walk all over me and my authority will be zilch by the time they get to high school....where the real fun begins.

Thank you to my mom for not choking me out at the ripe old age of 13.  I'm still convinced I was EASY compared to my 2 girls.  We'll see if she chimes in and backs up my memories.  Of one thing I'm certain, my sister is the one that should be thanking her and praying she never has a daughter to pay her back in spades.

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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Happy Birthday SLou...I Love YOU!!

At this time, 11 years ago...I was just leaving the doctors office with the news that I was already 4cm dilated and that if I didn't go into active labor by morning, they wanted to induce me.  Well if any of you are from my (old) neck of the woods, you'll understand my fear.  I lived a solid 30 miles from the hospital...but during morning rush hour GA400 turns into a parking lot and if you're lucky you could possibly make the trip in 90 minutes.  I was certain that if I waited until morning to have this big baby, I was gonna end up delivering on the side of 400.

I never even went home after my appointment.  I opted to stay a whole lot closer to the hospital, lounging around my parents house 10 miles from the hospital.  We already had it planned out.  I called the doctor at 6:30pm and told them I "thought" I was having contractions.  Of course I wasn't, but I knew that considering I was at 4cm at 9am...there was NO WAY they were gonna send me home and tell me to come back.  By 7:30 they had broke my water and started the Pitocin.  By 8:30 I was in full blown labor and at EXACTLY second beautiful baby girl changed my life forever.

So yes, in less time than it took for my epidural to take effect my little hell raiser was here....and that totally justified my little "white lie" about being in labor before I went down to the hospital.  She was in a hurry to get here...and she's hasn't slowed down in the last 11 years.  I love you SLou!!  Thank you God for giving me the sense of humor needed to raise this child to adulthood and please give me the patience as well.  She is definitely our family's comic relief as well as our test of sanity.  I'm raising her with the quote "Well behaved girls rarely grow up and make history." running through my head.

You are my mini-me.  My life is so much greater with you in it.  Don't you ever forget it.  I love you to the moon and back.  

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