Friday, April 27, 2012

Family Dysfunction At It's Finest...

Yesterday was my baby brother's 30th birthday.  WOW, my parents must feel old.  For the special occasion the family met for dinner downtown.  We went to this hip Mexican-ish cantina.  I just tried to look up their website and had to share this review by the Foodie Asshole. He nailed it spot on.  The guacamole was great, as was the queso fundido...but my shrimp enchilada left much to be desired.  And the service was rather slow.  Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a restaurant review.

I love my brother!!  He is brilliant.  And he's funny...and he's a dirty 30 year old smartass!!  Boy did his boyfriend luck out with him.  We're sitting at the table.  My mom is having a conversation with they didn't hear Uncle say "So ya think Beelay inherited your boobs?"  Me: "Yep, pretty sure she did.  It sucks!!  Uncle: "Well, I'm impressed!!"  You dirty bastard, order another drink.  In all honesty, he really wasn't being creepy about it.  It's been a little while since he's seen her...and I must admit she's VERY well endowed.  If there was anything I wished I couldn't pass on to my children, it would be "the girls".

Then after we've finally gotten our appetizers...and then our meals shortly after, he reminds me of a story from when Beelay was maybe 3 years old.  We were at Gramma's house, either for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  Gramma always said the prayer...and she ALWAYS cried when she said it!!  Well, my demented siblings NEVER bow their heads for the prayer.  They make inappropriate faces and gestures at each other, while nobody's looking and try to make each other laugh.  Well, this particular time...Beelay didn't bow her head either.  "Uncle, what was that thing you did to Auntie? With the peace sign up to your mouth like this?" And precedes to wiggle her tongue between her fingers.  No wonder she's a dirty minded little snot (I'll share a couple more examples at the end).  Her Uncle and Auntie corrupted her at an early age!!!  I had forgotten all about that one, til he reminded me last night.

Then while we're singing Happy Birthday, he and Beelay become the restaurant's live entertainment.  Uncle can DANCE!!!  Beelay, well she tries.  They were walking like Egyptians among other things.  While I'm trying to keep a sleepy & grumpy SLou from getting in trouble by snapping at my dad...who happens to be watching the dance off from the other end of the table.  He was smiling, but I know what he was thinking...and it wasn't that it was entertaining.

As we're closing out and waiting for our checks, we're pretty sure all of the wait staff must've done a line of coke in the kitchen.  First one guy drops a full plate of food right at the end of our table...lettuce, rice, beans, shards of plate all go flying all over Pip's (my brother's significant other) legs.  Everyone is rushing to clean it up and to make sure that Pip isn't hurt...and then I kid you not, less than 5 min. later a waitress trips and drops 2 glasses of red wine right behind us!!!  Seriously?!?! 

We're in downtown Atlanta at the corner of Peachtree and 5th Street.  Walking past the patio full of people enjoying their dinner, my TOASTED brother is skipping down the street and back with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth and another in his hand...and skips up to me and pokes me in the boob with the sucker stick!!!  And giggles and laughs and says "I poked your boobie!!  It didn't pop!!" NEVER a dull moment!!!  I just thought I wanted him to spend more time with his nieces...there's no telling what kind of material they'd come back with. 

Now for some examples of Beelay's train of thought:

She went to the beach with a friend over spring break.  While fishing at the pier with her friend and her friend's brother...they looked down and saw a bunch of jellyfish.  Beelay then asked "Where are their testicles?" Brother gives her an awkward uncomfortable look...and friend says "Beelay, their tentacles!!

While running across the soccer field barefoot after SLou's game last week, she all but yells "Ouch, this grass is horny...I mean thorny!!  I swear that just slipped out."

Living on the safe side...

Contrary to common belief, I'm a sissy!!!  I don't think I've always been this way.  I'm pretty sure it's because of past failures.  I am not a risk taker.  If something's not guaranteed, I'm not buying. 

I've been working for the same company for over 12 years.  It's comfortable.  I have plenty of perks, but the company has been struggling financially most of the time I've been there.  Specifically after 9/11, Hurricane Katrina and the current Presidential economic crisis.  I've known deep down for several years that I should be looking for a new job.  I can blame it on my loyalty to my boss or any of the other positives of my job, but the truth of the matter is; I'm absolutely terrified of not just rejection but also that I will be absolutely miserable in any other position.  It's dumb, I know...but change = PANIC!!!

Since my divorce, I've lived with my dad.  I pay my way, mostly.  My divorce left me in financial ruins.  I had a foreclosure and a repo on my credit, so my cars have been in my dad's name, as well as my car insurance and cell phone....but I do actually pay for all of it.  I also pay roughly half of the household expenses.  So in reality, I can probably totally afford to move out on my own.  But the thought alone sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. The fear of not being able to make it on my own, providing for my kids and having to turn around and move back in...keep me frozen.  I've saved for years to buy a house...and every time I've gotten close to actually being able to do it, something has happened.  First I was in an accident that totaled my almost paid for car.  Then SLou had to have surgery.  Then my hours were cut at work.  It's always something.  Therefore, I've made the decision to stay where I'm at until my kids both graduate from high school.  Judge me if you want...but taking that chance is just too risky for my psyche to handle. 

So I've been divorced for a LONG time....8 years is a long time, right?  Well when I first split from him, I made a vow to myself and to my children that I wanted to make certain I could be happy by myself.  I told myself that I wouldn't be that mom that rushes in and out of relationships, dragging her kids along with her.  I figured a year...maybe 2 would be more than adequate.  And I can tell you whole heartedly, I am completely 100% happy being single. 

I've dated a little over the years, but haven't really put myself out there in a LONG time.  I'm so scared of being hurt or rejected that the walls I've built are 50' tall and bullet proof.  I'm terrified of bringing anyone into my kid's lives and it not working out, that I'd just assume stay single and stay busy being their mom...I mean where would I pull the time to date from anyway?  But who am I kidding?  I'd love to find Mr.'s the courage it takes to find him that I don't have.  This subject could be a whole different blog of it's own....stay tuned :)

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Kenneth & Biebs at LegoLand
I fucking hate cancer....especially childhood cancer!!  

Let me tell you a story about a boy we've all grown closer to and love so much and have prayed so fiercely for.  His name is Kenneth, but we call him our Soldier Boy.  

Memorial Day 2008, I met 2 very special woman that have greatly impacted my life since then.  I met Chiquita (but since this isn't a clown post, we'll call her Sister) and Anna, Kenneth's mom.  I instantly felt a connection with both of them.  We had an interesting adventure on the lake that day, but it was filled with great conversation.  Looking back on it, that day changed my life.

Fast forward to that fall.  Kenneth was diagnosed with medulloblastoma, a highly malignant type of brain tumor.  Actually, he had 3 tumors.  They were able to operate and remove one and went through a year of vigorous treatment.  He went in on his 9th birthday, Dec. 7, 2009 for a scheduled MRI and low and behold, God gave him and us the best birthday present EVER!!!  The other tumors were GONE!!!

While he was sick, Sister and friends put together several fundraising events; such as a golf tournament and a one-pitch softball tournament to help raise money for Kenneth and his family.  Once the cancer was gone, we decided to continue on in the name of "Team Soldier Boy" and have another one-pitch tournament to benefit another child suffering from this terrible disease.  We picked Faith Cline.  She was a senior in high school and was part of the ROTC program and it was a perfect match.  Unfortunately, Faith succumbed to her illness before the tournament took place...but all of the money we raised went to her family to help with her medical/funeral expenses.

For 13 months, Kenneth lived a semi-normal cancer-free life.  The chemo really took a toll on his body.  It affected his pituitary gland, his hormones, his height and sight....but he was cancer-free.  He returned to regular school.  He played baseball.  He got to be a "normal" little boy....that had to go in for MRI scans every 6-10 weeks for the rest of his life. 

Beelay, Anna, SLou & Kenneth
When he went in for his routine scan in Jan. 2011, a new spot showed up in the front right lobe of his brain.  The doctors said they just wanted to watch it closely.  When they went back in March for another scan, it showed that it had spread...and that the cancer was in fact back.  So Kenneth and Anna and Little A had to prepare to go to war again!!!

They put him in a 12 month case study and began treatments right away.  Spending one week a month away from home, staying at the Ronald McDonald House, so he would be close to the hospital during his treatments.  In Jan 2012, his scans weren't really showing any changes.  The spots weren't going away, but they weren't growing either....but there was also a "cloud" they wanted to keep a close eye on.  So the clinical trial went on and Kenneth continued his treatments until the beginning of March.  After the conclusion of the trial, he was scheduled to go on maintenance drugs...and basically it was just a game of "Wait & See".

Unfortunately, they didn't have to wait very long to see.  In 3 weeks the "cloud" was no longer a cloud, but a solid mass.  They've gotten him into another clinical study.  Kenneth had another MRI on Monday.  This time, not only has the mass grown, but there are also 7 more seed size tumors where the original tumors were in his first battle.  This is BAD news!!!  This is heart wrenching, knee buckling, tear jerking BAD NEWS!!!  

Kenneth with Justin Timberlake!!
While everyone is trying to be optimistic and just pray a little harder, the reality of it is; he's not getting better. He's getting worse...quickly!!  His motor skills are deteriorating, as well as his balance. 

I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel to be Anna, Kenneth or Little A.  The decisions and emotions they're all having to face.  All I know is how I feel and I'm sure their pain is 1000 times worse than my own.  So tonight when you're fighting with your kids to do their homework or nagging them to get in the shower or when you're tucking them in tonight....just say a little prayer for Kenneth and thank God for your healthy kids.


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

My Intro - UBP 2012

I came across the Ultimate Blog Party at and I've decided to join!!  WTH? Why not? I bring the party wherever I go anyway, might as well share the humorous, embarrassing, stressful and fulfilling moments of my life with an even larger audience.  

You can visit my blog, Graceful Disaster: here. I'm a single working mom, with 1 prepubescent, witty & smart 10 year old daughter and 1 hormonal, sarcastic  know-it-all 13 year old daughter.  My life is a constant roller coaster ride.  When I fall down (which I do often) I jump right back up and make it look like I did it on purpose...hence the name Graceful Disaster.  I've learned that blogging is more therapeutic than beating my children (that's a joke-so if it offended you, you might not want to read any further).  Basically I write what everyone else is feeling/thinking, but feel guilty saying out loud.  My posts will encourage you that nobody is perfect and you're not alone when you think you're probably the worst parent in history...YOU'RE NOT!!!  I AM...MY 13 YEAR OLD TOLD ME SO THIS MORNING!!

I love to laugh at myself and others...and it's way more fun when I'm not laughing alone.  I write in order to find the funny in my most disastrous parenting moments.  I write to relive the stupid, funny and crazy shit that my friends and I do.  I write to vent about the things that I can't keep I don't explode and take it out on my children.  I write because I love it...and really wish I'd loved it more in high school.  

So for a peek into my life and all of the insanity that surrounds it, please read and enjoy....and if it makes you laugh or makes you cry or makes you think of something in your life, please tell us about it in a comment.  You can follow me on Facebook


Monday, April 16, 2012

FRAAAAANK!?!?!?! A Gassy Story About Poop.

Enough with the negative crap!!  It's time to share some giggles with the world.  Between my kids and my friends and my's amazing I haven't ruined all of my panties.  Oh wait, I have!!!  Just not from laughing so hard I lost control of my bladder.  Here are some excerpts from the past couple of weeks.  ENJOY!!

The girls and I went to visit Lollipop, Jinx, Chiquita, Zippy and all of their offspring while they were camping over Easter weekend.  There were daredevil stunts performed by none other than Jinx (because he obviously didn't learn his lesson the first time). You can see the video here.  We had children roasting hot dogs...and one in particular ask if there was a doctor around because he thought his wiener was turning black.  Then you've got all of the kids discussing Words With Friends with Otis...who we all think cheats.  And this conversation segues into tater tits.  

After all of this Chiquita asks me if I want to go to the bathhouse with the exact same time that it hits me that I need to go.  So here we are in a bathhouse full of other campers showering and everything echoes LOUDLY.  I'm awkwardly trying not to rip one louder than a little squeak...FAIL!!  So I start giggling.  Then I hear what can only be described as a bull frog in heat...followed by some more giggles.  But I wasn't positive it came from Chiquita til she says loudly "FRAAAAAAANK!!!"  I then can no longer control my laughter or my flatulence.  That experience can go down as my first full blown giggle-fest in a bathhouse.  I can only imagine what the other campers thought when two grown woman walked out of the stalls with tears running down their faces.

Now I must warn you, this next part includes some of the gory details of my stomach bug.  If you read How my long weekend went to shit, you'll remember that we dealt with this God awful stomach bug for 11 days...7 weeks ago!!!  During the longest 11 days of my life, I asked myself countless times how these children could possibly shit their pants so many times!!!  Do they not feel a little tingle before it hits them?  WTF!?!?!  Well, God thought it would be really funny to teach me a lesson I guess.  I literally ruined 10 pairs of panties and went through 2 jumbo rolls of toilet paper in a 24 hour time span.  I peed out of my butt hole for over 48 hours.  It was the WORST case of diarrhea I have ever experienced!!!  So when my loving sister texted me to check in and I told her "I'd be much better if I'd quit peeing out of my butt hole." Her first response was "Maybe you should bring a 5 gallon bucket up to your room."  Which made me giggle and then precede to SHIT myself!!!  Her second response and (Freckles response too) was "Well it's better than shitting out of your vag."  Great friends and siblings I have.  My mother's response was "Guess you should've held onto a couple of those Depends you dropped off for Gramma yesterday."   So to answer my own question: NO!!  You don't feel a little tingle BEFORE it hits you.  You get the little tingle when it's running down your leg.

Thank GOD my bowels have finally gotten back to normal...and I can FRAAAAANK without worrying about blowing out my britches.  When my sister invited Beelay to spend the night on Saturday night...I can not even begin to explain the excitement that coursed through my veins.  I desperately needed some friend time.  After dinner and dishes, I swiftly headed north to my home away from home.  Chiquita, Clarabelle and I pretended to play poker, while Zippy, Skeeter, Lollipop, Jinx and Otis actually played poker.  We talked a lot of smack and did plenty of laughing and drinking.... of kool-aid.  Honestly it's a little blurry to me.  I'm sure there were plenty of things for me to share...but it's not coming to me at the moment.  I do remember sending Banjo a shit-talk text at some point...and I'd like to properly thank him for waking me up yesterday with the sweet response of "FU".  It's always nice to wake up giggling.

So yesterday, after Chiquita cooked me and Zippy breakfast...we all took a little drive to the motorcycle shop to get Chiquita a new "Hemet" and some new stickers.  Anyway, on the way back to their house she says "I think I'm gonna have to poop again when we get home."  I said "Me too." and Zippy says "Me three."  We promptly pull in the driveway, walk in the door and quietly stake our claim to each of their three bathrooms.  A family that poops together, sticks together...right?  I heart my sister-wife and the hubs.

And then like magic, I was back on mom-duty.  On our way to SLou's soccer game, she was talking about someone.  She was telling me this person was mean.  I told her that they weren't and she says "Mama, you have no idea all of the sinister things she's done."  "Huh? Wha?  Did you just say sinister?  How do you even know the word sinister?" "I'm smarter than you...where do you think I learned it."  "Well I know what it means you're not necessarily smarter than me, but I'm impressed." And so the subject was dropped as to whether this person was nice or not.  FRAAAAAAANK!!!


Friday, April 13, 2012

Cry, Scream or Laugh...that is the question.

My week has been far from what I had planned it to be.  That NASTY stomach bug reared it's ugly head in my house again...this time attacking Beelay and ME!!!  Luckily her's past in 24 hours or less...mine wore out it's welcome 48 hours ago, but is still lingering.  GO AWAY!!! 

I only managed to work one day this week...after only working two last week because of spring break.  This is NOT how I envisioned using my personal days.  I'll spare you the gory details...unless of course you're lucky enough to be one of my nearest and dearest, that's already been blessed with horrifying mental pictures.  Now here we are and it's Friday.  Maybe I'm emotional because I haven't felt good since Tuesday or maybe it's because I'm a fierce mama bear or maybe it's just because my feelings are justified...but here it goes. 

My sweet little SLou has had her heart set on going to her daddy's this weekend.  I don't know if it's because she's worried about him and his broken leg (in 2 places) or if she wants to sign his cast or if she wants to see the kittens that their still un-spayed (Add a houseful of pets to the list of things you shouldn't have if you're BROKE...and spay & neuter the ones you do have) cat had.  Her reasoning doesn't matter.  She had her heart set on it and shouldn't once again be let down because instead of having enough gas to come to her soccer games, you have a pack of cigarettes and a case of beer. 

I tried calling him to discuss this and didn't get an answer.  So I sent a text w/ this weekend's game schedule and a plea for him not to ruin his relationship with her like he has with Beelay.  I haven't gotten a response, but what I did get was a butt dial.  I could hear him and his friends goofing off and talking (about fishing...I think. It was all a little muffled.)  They definitely weren't talking about working or kids or other things that responsible adults discuss.  These friends used to be like uncles to my children.  One of them was even at the hospital when they were born.  I'm sure that if driving or even gas is an issue, they'd all be happy to drive him to one of their games....if that were a priority to him.  But I guess it's out of sight out of mind.

I want to cry, scream and laugh.  I want to cry for SLou and how I know her heart aches for her daddy to want to be a constant part of her life...and for Beelay, who has outgrown her little girl fantasy of her daddy being the prince she thought he was.  I want to scream because of his ignorance and inablility to see what he's doing to my girls and I want to laugh at the fact that he's an effing DUMBASS that has butt dialed me 3 times this week.  That felt more like a slap in the face than actually being slapped.  YOU ARE AN IDIOT and don't deserve the adoration that my baby still has for you!!!  But because I am her mom and I love her with every ounce of my being...I will still fight for her!!  I will continue to try to convince you to put her first and I will try to help you be a better daddy...until she too has had enough of the heartache and disappointment, like her sister.

There have been many days where I've wished he would just walk away and never look back.  At least if he were gone, there wouldn't be constant broken promises and never ending heartache.  Which is the lesser of the two evils?  Total abandonment or the roller coaster of hope and shattered dreams? 

It's not even about the money anymore.  I've managed to give them the life they have without ever being able to depend on him.  (I'm not saying that I don't need every penny he scrapes up to pay me).  This is about their hearts, their souls and their emotional needs (and now scars).  This is about them knowing they're worth so much more than their daddy shows them.  This is about them knowing they can depend on a man...the only man they should ALWAYS be able to depend they don't grow up and fall for a man that treats them EXACTLY like this!! 

Maybe you know him...maybe you don't.  Maybe you're related to him or grew up with him.  Everything I've said in this post, I've said to his face.  Maybe if he'd answered the phone when I called, this post would've never happened.  If I thought it would change anything, I'd say "If you know him, talk to him.  Shake some sense into him.  Hell, let him read this."  But I don't think it would do a damn bit of good...he's too damn stubborn to open his eyes and see what he's missing. 

STOP THE PRESSES!!!  He just called me back and tried to tell me he couldn't meet me til after 8pm tonight.  I asked "Why, because you're going fishing?"  He of course denied it until I called him out about the butt dial...then stuttered through it and told me he'd figure something out.  Now I literally am crying, screaming and laughing.  Grrrr!!!!

Monday, April 9, 2012

A Vent - Not of the diplomatic sort...

So I already had a bit of an idea of what I wanted to vent about on my next blog...especially after some of the BS that went on yesterday.  Then I heard this on The Bert Show on my way to work this morning.  I have never so badly wanted to call into a radio station in my life.  I wanted to tell this mom to be thankful.  If you're only concern is that she goes out for a few drinks every now and then, be grateful.  You have no idea just how bad it could be.  As a single mom with sole custody, I think I can relate to her situation.  

I must warn you now.  If you're part of my previous family or a friend of my ex, this post is a direct vent towards him.  I've always tried to be diplomatic in my public posts relating to him and the stupid shit he does, but this post is not in the slightest bit sugar coated.  Read at your own risk of being offended or at least having your eyes opened about his true character.  In all reality, I doubt any of it will really come as a shock to any of you.  He's a funny guy.  People like him...hell, I even loved him!!  But he is not a good dad nor is a responsible adult.  That being said, happy reading.

One of the hardest things for me to learn when I got divorced was that I had ZERO control over who he brought around my children when they were with him.  Maybe if I had that money tree that endlessly bloomed legal fees, I could've done something about it legally.  I have been known to cut off visitation from time to time when things were at their worst...and then my children grew to the age where I let them decide on their own.  They both know what could and has happened while they've been at their dad's.  Beelay has chosen not to go to his house since last June.  SLou still goes, but typically only for one night at a time...because she worries about her daddy and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by not coming to see him.

Let me give you the most recent example of the jealous and distrust that goes on at that house.  Yesterday SLou got a call from her daddy wanting to confirm for his Lady Lunatic that she had in fact forgotten a pair of earrings in the cup holder of his truck.  Seriously? They were little dangly hearts...obviously little girl earrings!!  She hangs up the phone and says "I bet you $5 Lady Lunatic is accusing him of cheating on her and that my earrings are his other girlfriend's." "Yep, I bet you're right.".  Again I say, SERIOUSLY?!?!  A 10 year shouldn't even have those scenarios in her realm of understanding.

Rewind back to the first time I cut off visitation...roughly 7 years ago.  I get a call from Ex Dumb Dumb saying "I need you to come get the girls.  I don't have enough gas to bring them to you and I think the cops are looking for me." Set all the logical responses aside, my first and foremost concern is the safety of my of course I go get them!!  I pull up at his friends house and Ex Dumb Dumb walks out and has blood running down the back of his head.  Lady Lunatic had hit him in the head with a pair of pliers.  I cut him off for close to 8 weeks (I think).  And only gave in because the girls both missed their daddy and his mom begged me to give him another chance.  And so the cycle has gone for the past 7 years.

There have been towel bars ripped off walls and used as weapons.  There have been times when my kids have ended up in hotel rooms or his parents house in the middle of the night.  There have been weeks of not knowing if their daddy was dead or alive.  There have been jail stints that I was forced to lie to my kids about.  There was even the time that he and my girls were left at the beach 6 hours away, for his dad to come pick them up...because a "situation" resulted in Lady Lunatic and her family being asked to leave and my kids refusing to get in the car with them (for good reasons).  That would be the needle that broke Beelay from giving him anymore chances.  I haven't forced her to go to his house or even to spend any time with him other than at Christmas, when I made her go to his parents house...with the promise that if it got too uncomfortable for her, I'd come get her right away.  I've encouraged her to spend time with him.  I've even given him some advice on how to go about trying to mend things, but they've all been ignored.

I can't even pin point the worst part of this whole situation.  There have been so many promises made and broken.  When they've been promised this is the last time and it's never gonna happen again and he's NEVER going back to her again...20 times (no exaggeration), they've learned that it's only a matter of time.  Last time they stayed broken up for maybe 2 weeks.  He was a good dad for those 2 weeks.  He called multiple times a day.  He showed up for their swim meets.  He came and took them to ride their bikes...and watched them swim.  He was actually a dad for those 2 weeks...and then he disappeared.  He quit calling. He quit showing up for their swim meets.  It only took a couple of days for SLou to see the writing on the wall.  She was so hurt and disappointed, but by the time she heard from him again...she missed him so much, she was just happy to hear from him.  A child's love and forgiveness is so innocent, but constant hurt and heartache will ruin them.  They are both going to have so many "daddy" issues in their adult lives.  SLou gets so defensive of him still.  She knows he's a dumb dumb, but he's her dumb dumb daddy.

Here's an example.  He owes me over $40k.  I'm lucky if I get $200 a month for our 2 kids.  I provide EVERYTHING for them from health insurance, to clothes, to school supplies, to sports, etc....EVERYTHING!!!  He's done nothing to improve his life.  He's done nothing to try to make more money to help provide for his children, yet Lady Lunatic doesn't work (granted she's sick and on some sort of disability, I think).  Don't get me wrong, they're not living a charmed life by any means.  But when I hear that he has a broken leg from falling out of his boat, sympathy is NOT my first emotion.  My first thought is "GREAT!!  Now he has one more excuse for why he isn't working and why he doesn't have any money."  My second thought is "if you're broke and can't pay your child support, what the HELL are you doing fishing...on a boat?"  I don't care if the boat was given to you.  I don't care if someone else paid for the gas and bait.  On that same note, if you're shouldn't have a 4-wheeler.  The fact that you traded a truck for it is beside the point.  SELL ALL OF IT!!!  You have children that you're not helping to support!!  In my opinion, if you're behind on your child support; you shouldn't have cable tv, or a bag of pot, beer in your fridge or ANYTHING beyond the basic necessities of, shelter, power, running water and a safe reliable vehicle to transport your children in and to get back and forth from WORK in.

I'm sure to some, I sound like a bitter ex-wife.  I'm not.  I walked away from that train wreck on my own two feet.  I've come to terms with the fact that he's never going to change.  I've wished nothing but happiness and great things for him.  All I can do is try my best to raise my kids to overcome the shitty hand they were dealt when it comes to their dad...and hope that one day he sees the error of his ways and apologizes to them and that it won't be too late for them to have some sort of decent father/daughter relationship when they're grown.  

Friday, April 6, 2012

Goodbye Easter Bunny...

When does the Easter Bunny quit visiting?  Or Santa or the tooth fairy?  I know the general rule of if you don't believe you don't receive, but what if you're the reason they don't believe anymore? My mom ruined it for me when I was probably 8 years old and then I went on to ruin it for my siblings, but (maybe out of guilt) Santa still came well into high school at my house.  As for my poor sweet SLou, I ruined all of them for her at the very same time.  I felt terrible.  She totally caught me off guard.  I don't even remember exactly how it went down.  I remember we were in the car about a year ago...and she was questioning EVERYTHING!!  Maybe she was spending the night at her dad's or somewhere else and was worried that the Easter Bunny wouldn't be able to find her or something.  I honestly can't recall.  I could probably ask her...and she'd probably be able to recite the whole conversation verbatim, but I really don't want to open old wounds.  It went something like this: "You're the Easter Bunny, aren't you?" And I just couldn't make myself play along I said "yes".  "What about Santa Clause and the tooth fairy? Is that you too?"  "Yep."  "So you've been lying to me all these years?"  "Well, I wouldn't say I was lying.  But haven't I been a pretty awesome Easter Bunny & Santa Clause?"  "NOOOO!!!"  <---This was only said out of hurt.  She later took it back and told me that I really was a great Santa Clause, way better than the one that comes to her dad's house.  SCORE!!!

So this year, since Beelay was headed to the beach before Easter.  I decided instead of doing an Easter basket for her, I'd do a super cool road trip care package.  I filled a beach bag (off the clearance rack) with all kinds of goodies.  Magazines, word search books, new flip flops, candy, snacks and a book (she prob. won't read).  It was awesome!!  She was stoked.  Mama scores again!!

But here's my dilemma now.  SLou saw most of the goodies and knows that they took the place of Beelay's Easter basket.  Now she's expecting some BAD ASS super stuffed Easter Basket.  I'm stumped.  I have no idea what to put in her Easter Basket.  She's of course requested a chocolate bunny...which if I haven't procrastinated too long and there's still some on the shelves at Walgreen's, I'll probably get her one.  But I don't want to fill it with a bunch of candy and junk...and that is what describes SLou's definition of BAD ASS!!  Plus, I've been home with her for spring break for the past 3 days and Stella's in the sneaking away to do a little shopping has proven near impossible.  Maybe she'd be happy with a chocolate bunny and a $20?  Some how it doesn't seem right though.  It's insane how much easier it is to pick out cool stuff for a 13 year old than it is for a 10 year old.  10 year olds love CRAP!!  Pure and simple...I could just go to the Dollar Tree and fill up a basket with junk and she'd be in heaven for about 30 minutes and then she'd never touch the CRAP again and it would be in the trash by week's end.  GAH!!!

I know, I know, I know!!  Easter is not about the bunny and the basket and the candy and the eggs.  It's about Jesus rising from the dead.  I grew up in the church.  The meaning isn't lost on me or my kids.  But the Easter loot is something they look forward to every year...and every year I feel like I have to out do myself from the year before.  I've done this to myself...and I'm kicking myself in the ass as we speak.  I miss the days when they were both happy with some bubbles, sidewalk chalk and a pack of new panties.  HA!!

I'll let y'all know how it ends up...until then, have a great weekend and a Happy Easter!!

Update: I finally escaped to do my shopping. I'm pretty sure SLou will be happy come morning. Minimal candy and everything else is stuff I'd have to buy anyway.

Monday, April 2, 2012

A Weekend Full of Clowns - Part 2

Now moving on to part 2 of my weekend.  Beelay thought she had manipulated me just right. WRONG!!!  The deal was, she had to finish all of her chores before she left for the order to get her spending money.  Well, she thought if we went to Skittles' birthday dinner and we got home late...I'd let the chores slide.  HA!!!  No ma'am!!  She finished her bedroom before she went to bed and I woke her up in time to finish all of her vacuuming before her friend's mom picked her up.  Nice try though!!

I must now give my good friend Tater a shout out!!  He takes such good care of me...and Stella.  She got all kinds of TLC this weekend.  She got new tires, brakes & wipers.  Guess I should probably give her a bath now, huh? Anyway, THANK YOU TATER!!!  <---Keep an eye out...he'll be making another (much funnier) appearance in my weekend a little later. <Stella got a bath at lunch today>

Then my BFF, Lollipop and I decided to sweat it out!!  We walked almost 5 miles...and burned just enough calories to justify an ice cold pitcher of beer!!  We joined Gumdrop and Bruiser (named for her broken nose she got from catching a softball with her face) was great company and great conversation.  As luck would have it, we weren't the only ones w/ Rooster's on the brain.  We were graced with the presence of Zippy, Jinx...and new to the Circus, Annie (along w/ her expanding baby bump & my favorite red headed little boy), Franny (and her litter of shy kids), Baloney & Otis.  Who knew it was gonna be such a popular place? Not me!!!  Otherwise I might not have made a public appearance in my sweaty gym clothes.  Whatevs, love me like I am or sweat off my butt crack!!

The night just kept getting funnier (translation: dirtier).  Tater had invited me over to hang out with him, his new lady friend (we'll call her Valentine), Speedo & his lovely wife, Trixie.  I warned Tater that I hadn't changed.  I wouldn't smell nice and I wouldn't look very pretty...but hell, why not?  I'm Giggles, dammit!!!  And people LOVE my ass...clean or dirty!!!

So I get there just as they're all about to sit down to eat.  The classy dinner conversation went from discussing nice things like our children...and went down hill FAST!!  We discussed planning a camping trip...that quickly moved to shitting in the woods.  And then on to our not so classy version of politics and before I know it, Trixie (who I've never really hung out with) is putting a dip in.  CLASSIC!!!  I totally thought Speedo was kidding when he made reference to her sitting around spittin her dip while she was shittin in the woods.  Joke was on me....HA!!  We then take turns telling stories.  Poor Valentine probably felt the need to bathe by the time we all left. We talked about Speedo calling me for the first time and propositioning me because of the writing on the bathroom wall at some random BP.  We talked about Trixie biting her toenails and Speedo almost breaking his ankle trying to do the same.  We talked about Tater being a band geek and a football player at the same time.  We talked about his and Speedo's questionable morals and sanity...example driving to a bar, puking out the window and all down the side of the truck, going to the car wash to clean it all up and then going back to the bar to PARTY like a ROCKSTAR!!! 

We talked about our jobs and how some of us have rewarding jobs while others work with dumbasses.  We discussed the difference between a mute point, a mood point and a moot point.  We listened to Speedo talk to himself about releasing fluids while he was in the bathroom.  The word Dugan resurfaced back into our vocabulary...I could go on and on.

Then...just as I'm saying my goodbyes and getting ready to leave, we hear sirens.  LOUD SIRENS!!  And then they just STOP!!  Oh shit, that sounds close.  We all instantly stand up and run through the house and out the front door to see what's going on.  I was silently hoping to see a real life episode of Cops.  All we could see is a fire truck in the culd-a-sac and people moving cars.  They were gone within 10 min.  The only entertainment that came of it was Valentine's SLOSHED neighbor standing out there watching too.  He couldn't all!!  It was all one garbled and slurred mess when he opened his mouth.  It was actually a little uncomfortable...but whatever. 

I laughed so hard that night that my head hurt by the time I got home.  If we didn't scare Valentine off after that, she must be a keeper!!!  It definitely takes a special girl to stay afloat in our sea of perversion and insanity.  That being said, I can NOT wait to hang out with Trixie & Valentine again!!!

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Sunday, April 1, 2012

A Weekend Full of Clowns - Part 1

I'm not real sure where this post is gonna take me.  I've got lots to say...all of which is mostly unrelated, but funny none the less.  I've had to name some more clowns, for their privacy of course. 

My weekend began with a surprise party for Skittles' 30th birthday.  A group of 30+ were waiting around the hibachi grill when we got there.  Tree Frog did a great job throwing it all together.  Beelay learned why I rarely bring her to social functions of this sort though.  When you put that many people together, you never know what kind of things are going to happen.   We had Tipsy, who took a liking to one of the chefs.  She was not so subtly offering to pay off her dinner in the back...if ya know what I mean.  At this point Beelay truly almost threw up on her plate...said "Isn't she a teacher?" (in her most disgusted tone of voice) and then excused herself from the table for a while...bless her heart. 

Then you've got the other chef making "swords" out of balloons, but when the balloon is pink and your in the company of my no longer looks like a "sword".  Skittles quickly disposed of the pink one...but apparently the chef didn't understand why.  So he then made an orange one...that could just as easily be a "flesh" color.  Then you've got poor little J.J. (Skittles & Tree Frog's 9 year old) chasing the little girls around with it...luckily he really took an interest in the little umbrellas from some of the drinks.  Those little bastards are sharp..and quickly deflated part of the "sword". 

Poor Skittles never cooled off from her speed shower after work to quickly get ready for her unknown plans.  She tried to chill herself and the rest of us in the car on the way to dinner.  Stella (my car) was an ice box, but still Skittles couldn't stop sweating.  I think it was more nerves and excitement of the suspense of not knowing what to expect.  So all during dinner (unbeknownst to the rest of the party) she was fanning herself with the skirt of her dress...she even had a rather deep wedgie at one point too.  I of course got a little giggle when I looked down and caught a glimpse of her right ass cheek.  Wellllll, as we're finishing up with dinner and paying our checks...she looks behind us and there, silently catching all of our "secrets" is a security camera mounted to the wall aimed directly at us!!!  AAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  I should also mention that the same waitress served us 2 months ago for my birthday dinner...and I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise that she still remembers us!!  I bet our group goes down as one of her most memorable parties in her career.

Other clowns in attendance:
Twinkle Toes

Stay tuned for Part 2