Monday, April 16, 2012

FRAAAAANK!?!?!?! A Gassy Story About Poop.

Enough with the negative crap!!  It's time to share some giggles with the world.  Between my kids and my friends and my's amazing I haven't ruined all of my panties.  Oh wait, I have!!!  Just not from laughing so hard I lost control of my bladder.  Here are some excerpts from the past couple of weeks.  ENJOY!!

The girls and I went to visit Lollipop, Jinx, Chiquita, Zippy and all of their offspring while they were camping over Easter weekend.  There were daredevil stunts performed by none other than Jinx (because he obviously didn't learn his lesson the first time). You can see the video here.  We had children roasting hot dogs...and one in particular ask if there was a doctor around because he thought his wiener was turning black.  Then you've got all of the kids discussing Words With Friends with Otis...who we all think cheats.  And this conversation segues into tater tits.  

After all of this Chiquita asks me if I want to go to the bathhouse with the exact same time that it hits me that I need to go.  So here we are in a bathhouse full of other campers showering and everything echoes LOUDLY.  I'm awkwardly trying not to rip one louder than a little squeak...FAIL!!  So I start giggling.  Then I hear what can only be described as a bull frog in heat...followed by some more giggles.  But I wasn't positive it came from Chiquita til she says loudly "FRAAAAAAANK!!!"  I then can no longer control my laughter or my flatulence.  That experience can go down as my first full blown giggle-fest in a bathhouse.  I can only imagine what the other campers thought when two grown woman walked out of the stalls with tears running down their faces.

Now I must warn you, this next part includes some of the gory details of my stomach bug.  If you read How my long weekend went to shit, you'll remember that we dealt with this God awful stomach bug for 11 days...7 weeks ago!!!  During the longest 11 days of my life, I asked myself countless times how these children could possibly shit their pants so many times!!!  Do they not feel a little tingle before it hits them?  WTF!?!?!  Well, God thought it would be really funny to teach me a lesson I guess.  I literally ruined 10 pairs of panties and went through 2 jumbo rolls of toilet paper in a 24 hour time span.  I peed out of my butt hole for over 48 hours.  It was the WORST case of diarrhea I have ever experienced!!!  So when my loving sister texted me to check in and I told her "I'd be much better if I'd quit peeing out of my butt hole." Her first response was "Maybe you should bring a 5 gallon bucket up to your room."  Which made me giggle and then precede to SHIT myself!!!  Her second response and (Freckles response too) was "Well it's better than shitting out of your vag."  Great friends and siblings I have.  My mother's response was "Guess you should've held onto a couple of those Depends you dropped off for Gramma yesterday."   So to answer my own question: NO!!  You don't feel a little tingle BEFORE it hits you.  You get the little tingle when it's running down your leg.

Thank GOD my bowels have finally gotten back to normal...and I can FRAAAAANK without worrying about blowing out my britches.  When my sister invited Beelay to spend the night on Saturday night...I can not even begin to explain the excitement that coursed through my veins.  I desperately needed some friend time.  After dinner and dishes, I swiftly headed north to my home away from home.  Chiquita, Clarabelle and I pretended to play poker, while Zippy, Skeeter, Lollipop, Jinx and Otis actually played poker.  We talked a lot of smack and did plenty of laughing and drinking.... of kool-aid.  Honestly it's a little blurry to me.  I'm sure there were plenty of things for me to share...but it's not coming to me at the moment.  I do remember sending Banjo a shit-talk text at some point...and I'd like to properly thank him for waking me up yesterday with the sweet response of "FU".  It's always nice to wake up giggling.

So yesterday, after Chiquita cooked me and Zippy breakfast...we all took a little drive to the motorcycle shop to get Chiquita a new "Hemet" and some new stickers.  Anyway, on the way back to their house she says "I think I'm gonna have to poop again when we get home."  I said "Me too." and Zippy says "Me three."  We promptly pull in the driveway, walk in the door and quietly stake our claim to each of their three bathrooms.  A family that poops together, sticks together...right?  I heart my sister-wife and the hubs.

And then like magic, I was back on mom-duty.  On our way to SLou's soccer game, she was talking about someone.  She was telling me this person was mean.  I told her that they weren't and she says "Mama, you have no idea all of the sinister things she's done."  "Huh? Wha?  Did you just say sinister?  How do you even know the word sinister?" "I'm smarter than you...where do you think I learned it."  "Well I know what it means you're not necessarily smarter than me, but I'm impressed." And so the subject was dropped as to whether this person was nice or not.  FRAAAAAAANK!!!


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