Friday, April 27, 2012

Family Dysfunction At It's Finest...

Yesterday was my baby brother's 30th birthday.  WOW, my parents must feel old.  For the special occasion the family met for dinner downtown.  We went to this hip Mexican-ish cantina.  I just tried to look up their website and had to share this review by the Foodie Asshole. He nailed it spot on.  The guacamole was great, as was the queso fundido...but my shrimp enchilada left much to be desired.  And the service was rather slow.  Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a restaurant review.

I love my brother!!  He is brilliant.  And he's funny...and he's a dirty 30 year old smartass!!  Boy did his boyfriend luck out with him.  We're sitting at the table.  My mom is having a conversation with they didn't hear Uncle say "So ya think Beelay inherited your boobs?"  Me: "Yep, pretty sure she did.  It sucks!!  Uncle: "Well, I'm impressed!!"  You dirty bastard, order another drink.  In all honesty, he really wasn't being creepy about it.  It's been a little while since he's seen her...and I must admit she's VERY well endowed.  If there was anything I wished I couldn't pass on to my children, it would be "the girls".

Then after we've finally gotten our appetizers...and then our meals shortly after, he reminds me of a story from when Beelay was maybe 3 years old.  We were at Gramma's house, either for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  Gramma always said the prayer...and she ALWAYS cried when she said it!!  Well, my demented siblings NEVER bow their heads for the prayer.  They make inappropriate faces and gestures at each other, while nobody's looking and try to make each other laugh.  Well, this particular time...Beelay didn't bow her head either.  "Uncle, what was that thing you did to Auntie? With the peace sign up to your mouth like this?" And precedes to wiggle her tongue between her fingers.  No wonder she's a dirty minded little snot (I'll share a couple more examples at the end).  Her Uncle and Auntie corrupted her at an early age!!!  I had forgotten all about that one, til he reminded me last night.

Then while we're singing Happy Birthday, he and Beelay become the restaurant's live entertainment.  Uncle can DANCE!!!  Beelay, well she tries.  They were walking like Egyptians among other things.  While I'm trying to keep a sleepy & grumpy SLou from getting in trouble by snapping at my dad...who happens to be watching the dance off from the other end of the table.  He was smiling, but I know what he was thinking...and it wasn't that it was entertaining.

As we're closing out and waiting for our checks, we're pretty sure all of the wait staff must've done a line of coke in the kitchen.  First one guy drops a full plate of food right at the end of our table...lettuce, rice, beans, shards of plate all go flying all over Pip's (my brother's significant other) legs.  Everyone is rushing to clean it up and to make sure that Pip isn't hurt...and then I kid you not, less than 5 min. later a waitress trips and drops 2 glasses of red wine right behind us!!!  Seriously?!?! 

We're in downtown Atlanta at the corner of Peachtree and 5th Street.  Walking past the patio full of people enjoying their dinner, my TOASTED brother is skipping down the street and back with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth and another in his hand...and skips up to me and pokes me in the boob with the sucker stick!!!  And giggles and laughs and says "I poked your boobie!!  It didn't pop!!" NEVER a dull moment!!!  I just thought I wanted him to spend more time with his nieces...there's no telling what kind of material they'd come back with. 

Now for some examples of Beelay's train of thought:

She went to the beach with a friend over spring break.  While fishing at the pier with her friend and her friend's brother...they looked down and saw a bunch of jellyfish.  Beelay then asked "Where are their testicles?" Brother gives her an awkward uncomfortable look...and friend says "Beelay, their tentacles!!

While running across the soccer field barefoot after SLou's game last week, she all but yells "Ouch, this grass is horny...I mean thorny!!  I swear that just slipped out."


  1. Lmao!!! Wish i could have been there for that!!

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  3. OMG - our 6 year old did the same thing...called tentacles testicles. LMAO.

  4. Oh boy, you've got your hands full. Good luck :D