Friday, April 13, 2012

Cry, Scream or Laugh...that is the question.

My week has been far from what I had planned it to be.  That NASTY stomach bug reared it's ugly head in my house again...this time attacking Beelay and ME!!!  Luckily her's past in 24 hours or less...mine wore out it's welcome 48 hours ago, but is still lingering.  GO AWAY!!! 

I only managed to work one day this week...after only working two last week because of spring break.  This is NOT how I envisioned using my personal days.  I'll spare you the gory details...unless of course you're lucky enough to be one of my nearest and dearest, that's already been blessed with horrifying mental pictures.  Now here we are and it's Friday.  Maybe I'm emotional because I haven't felt good since Tuesday or maybe it's because I'm a fierce mama bear or maybe it's just because my feelings are justified...but here it goes. 

My sweet little SLou has had her heart set on going to her daddy's this weekend.  I don't know if it's because she's worried about him and his broken leg (in 2 places) or if she wants to sign his cast or if she wants to see the kittens that their still un-spayed (Add a houseful of pets to the list of things you shouldn't have if you're BROKE...and spay & neuter the ones you do have) cat had.  Her reasoning doesn't matter.  She had her heart set on it and shouldn't once again be let down because instead of having enough gas to come to her soccer games, you have a pack of cigarettes and a case of beer. 

I tried calling him to discuss this and didn't get an answer.  So I sent a text w/ this weekend's game schedule and a plea for him not to ruin his relationship with her like he has with Beelay.  I haven't gotten a response, but what I did get was a butt dial.  I could hear him and his friends goofing off and talking (about fishing...I think. It was all a little muffled.)  They definitely weren't talking about working or kids or other things that responsible adults discuss.  These friends used to be like uncles to my children.  One of them was even at the hospital when they were born.  I'm sure that if driving or even gas is an issue, they'd all be happy to drive him to one of their games....if that were a priority to him.  But I guess it's out of sight out of mind.

I want to cry, scream and laugh.  I want to cry for SLou and how I know her heart aches for her daddy to want to be a constant part of her life...and for Beelay, who has outgrown her little girl fantasy of her daddy being the prince she thought he was.  I want to scream because of his ignorance and inablility to see what he's doing to my girls and I want to laugh at the fact that he's an effing DUMBASS that has butt dialed me 3 times this week.  That felt more like a slap in the face than actually being slapped.  YOU ARE AN IDIOT and don't deserve the adoration that my baby still has for you!!!  But because I am her mom and I love her with every ounce of my being...I will still fight for her!!  I will continue to try to convince you to put her first and I will try to help you be a better daddy...until she too has had enough of the heartache and disappointment, like her sister.

There have been many days where I've wished he would just walk away and never look back.  At least if he were gone, there wouldn't be constant broken promises and never ending heartache.  Which is the lesser of the two evils?  Total abandonment or the roller coaster of hope and shattered dreams? 

It's not even about the money anymore.  I've managed to give them the life they have without ever being able to depend on him.  (I'm not saying that I don't need every penny he scrapes up to pay me).  This is about their hearts, their souls and their emotional needs (and now scars).  This is about them knowing they're worth so much more than their daddy shows them.  This is about them knowing they can depend on a man...the only man they should ALWAYS be able to depend they don't grow up and fall for a man that treats them EXACTLY like this!! 

Maybe you know him...maybe you don't.  Maybe you're related to him or grew up with him.  Everything I've said in this post, I've said to his face.  Maybe if he'd answered the phone when I called, this post would've never happened.  If I thought it would change anything, I'd say "If you know him, talk to him.  Shake some sense into him.  Hell, let him read this."  But I don't think it would do a damn bit of good...he's too damn stubborn to open his eyes and see what he's missing. 

STOP THE PRESSES!!!  He just called me back and tried to tell me he couldn't meet me til after 8pm tonight.  I asked "Why, because you're going fishing?"  He of course denied it until I called him out about the butt dial...then stuttered through it and told me he'd figure something out.  Now I literally am crying, screaming and laughing.  Grrrr!!!!

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