Slow Motion...

Don't get too excited.  I know seeing two posts this close together isn't the norm anymore, but I'm 100% caught up at work and now I'm bored.  Sooooo, write I will.

Here's a little glimpse into our chaotic life:

I told you that the girls and I moved in with Dumpling.  What I left out was that he doesn't sleep...very often or very soundly.  ANYTHING wakes him up...a fleck of dust floating through the air could be the culprit.  So needless to say, we don't sleep in the same bed.  I snore.  I grind my teeth.  I BREATHE!!!  

Our little cabin in the woods...is only a 3 bedroom.  Being the gentleman that he is, he gave up his bedroom.  He's been sleeping on the couch for months now.  I have offered time and time again to give up the bed and he has repeatedly turned me down.  Well, he finally admitted that the couch is doing a number on his back.  

Solution: I will sleep with Beelay and he will move back into our bedroom.  For those of you that have been around for the past almost 15 years, you know that Beelay slept with me until she was 5 years old...and didn't give up that arrangement without an over abundance of kicking, screaming and crying.  And don't think for a second that she has ever passed up the opportunity to sneak into my bed given the chance over the past 10 years.  So I'm guessing she's thinking "SCORE!! I WIN!!!"

Here's the downside: I get up to pee a couple of times a night.  The past few nights, I've been like a blind person that's been dropped in a war zone.  Downstairs, I know my way to the potty without turning on lights.  Move me upstairs and it's like walking through a minefield in order to relieve my bladder.  Last night I finally thought to grab my phone and use it as a flashlight. **I just added nightlights to my shopping list!!

Yesterday morning I got up the first, ok maybe the second time my alarm went off, to go snuggle with Dumpling before we HAD to get up.  <---Do NOT read more into that, because if you didn't know, log homes have ZERO privacy and EVERYONE HEARS EVERYTHING!!!  Back to the topic at hand, the first step is shorter than a normal step.  In my sleepy slumber, I forgot.  For half a millisecond, I saw my life flash before my eyes AGAIN!!  I had flashbacks of my tumble almost 3 1/2 years ago that landed me on my back...for weeks and the continued back pain I still struggle with.  After that half a millisecond, I managed to bypass the anxiety attack that tried to follow.  I padded on into my bedroom and instead of being greeted with comfort, Dumpling LAUGHED at me!!!  ASSHOLE!!    

My back is seizing up just thinking about it again!!

Guess I should add that you can follow me on Facebook here, if you wanna keep up with my disasters as they happen.

Meet Josie...

Lounging on the deflated air mattress...Shelby tried to sleep on.

Allow me to introduce you to Josie.  She's Dumpling's not so little neurotic black lab.  She has a lovely huge yard to play in all day long, but sometimes when her friend across the street is out, she decides it doesn't suit her fancy, so she escapes.  She's never bothered anyone, that we're aware of.  Well, until right before Christmas.  The neighbors across the street called 911 on her...SERIOUSLY?  We're pretty sure she was just sitting in their driveway barking for her friend to come out to play, but they decided she was a nuisance.  (I should mention that their dog has shown up multiple times looking for Josie since she's been in lock-up) The officer that showed up apparently felt the need to call for backup...Josie decided to RUN!!  The officer said that she took off behind the fence and the next thing he knew she was back on the right side of the gate.  Crazy ass dog.  

Please, pretty please let me out.  I'm sooooo BORED!!

Thinking/hoping that she learned her lesson, Dumpling left her in the fence again the next day.  Unfortunately, when he got home there was another neighbor walking Josie down the street, trying to figure out where she lived.  Her leg was mangled and bloody...we assumed from getting hung up in the fence during her escape.  After a pricey trip to the Emergency Vet, we were pretty certain she was hit by a car and would probably need surgery.  MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!  Roughly $3k later, we've got a gimp dog that thinks she's Wonder Woman.  Other than her peg leg (splint), you wouldn't know she's been hurt.  

I began this post a month ago and just haven't had a chance to come back to it.  I believe we're on week 5 of that crazy ass dog's recovery.  She has been serving time in Dumpling's mom's garage.  Bless his mom's heart, she's been having to walk her twice a day...and when I say that I really mean Josie walks her.  Josie's adjusted well to prison life and having to be walked on a leash...so long as she doesn't go home.

Josie trying to break up mine and Dumpling's goodbye kiss.

When I say crazy, I'm really not kidding.  She is an attention whore.  She's worse than the girls when it comes to trying to separate me and Dumpling from moments of affection.  If we're standing up, maybe kissing hello or goodbye...she's using her whole body to push in between us and jump up and join the party (and she's successfully slipped me the tongue TWICE).  If we're sitting on the couch and she hears us even move a muscle, she's up making sure we're not doing anything we're "not supposed" to be doing...she'll typically push between our legs and the coffee table and slap her front paw in one of our laps, holding our hands down and trying to get in one of our laps.  Yep, she's a 90+ pound lap dog.

At night, she's not allowed to sleep in the bedroom with us.  But as soon as someone gets up to go to the bathroom, she's like cat burglar waiting for her window of opportunity.  Dumpling's bedroom is DARK and Josie is BLACK.  Well one night, he got up to grab something to drink or something.  He came back in the bedroom, shut the door, crawled back into bed...and all the sudden we both said in unison "She's in here!!"  She was right at my ear before she chomped her jaw!!  Dammit Josey!!! 

Dumpling sprang her from captivity last weekend to try and give his mom a break, but that crazy ass dog WILL NOT do her business in HER yard while on a leash.  She's too busy sniffing around, trying to figure out who's been in HER territory!! 

Yeah, sit right there....now I'm gonna FART on you!!

She's already been welcomed into our family, as if she's been there all along.  While she was out on her weekend pass, she got to hang with my dad and Snickers while Dumpling & I went out to dinner.  When we got back, she was laid out on the dog beds in dad's room.  She's also already decided that my house is her territory too.  She barks at anyone in their own driveways on my street...she even let Slou have it for walking up the stairs.  It's hilarious to watch her think about playing with Snickers and him completely going limp and letting her be the dominate.  I can't wait to see them interact once her cast comes off.


All parties involved are praying that next Wed. will be her release date. Last weekend she was dreaming of chasing squirrels and whimpering in her sleep.  I really think we should record her release back into the wild...something tells me it's gonna be a moment worth capturing on video....and then she needs a BATH!!!

I'm totally out of practice!!  I forgot to remind you new readers to follow me on Facebook here and on Twitter here!!  Thanks y'all!!!

Merry Christmas...I promise I'm alive!!

I realize it has been WAY too long since I've written.  I have been so busy at work and home and my lack of cooperating devices, I just haven't had time to blog.  I know, it's a lame "dog ate my homework" excuse.  So now that I should be getting busy with "Operation Clean-Up", I'm gonna procrastinate and FINALLY write!!!  You know you're excited.

Where to begin?  Over the past 2 weeks we've battled a case of strep throat, an ear infection and 4 bouts of the stomach funk...mine hitting on the side of the road an hour from home.  I should probably spare you the gory details, but where's the fun in that?  Not only did projectile vomit on the side of the road with a packed Stella for an audience, but I also shat my pants.  That's right...and I cranked up those badass butt warmers and baked that shit the whole way home, sending inappropriate text messages to my sister and daughter in the backseats.  Beelay suggested we stop, seeing as we did have diapers and wipes in the car.  I don't know where she gets her smart mouth from, I swear I don't.

My mom, bless her heart, bought tickets to take the girls to Cirque du Soleil for Saturday night, but Beelay's bug prevented her from going.  I was so jealous...I've seriously been dreaming of seeing a Cirque show for YEARS!!!  Thank goodness Dumpling picked up on my (not so) subtle hint and got us tickets for tomorrow night's show for my Christmas present.  I'm over the moon excited!!!

I've got several funny stories to share, but I can't decide whether to go in chronological order or in funny, to funnier to funniest order.  Hmmmm...

Well, my brother bought my sister and the girls their very own "Go Girls".  Thanks to Chiquita, I already have my own.  If you're not familiar, it's a "women's urination device".  On Christmas night, we were all hanging out in the den when we hear Slou in the bathroom.  "Yes, I made it in the toilet!!"  To which Uncle replies "That's great, considering I bought it used."  The shrieks and squeals that came from the bathroom almost made me pee my pants.  Unfortunately the stomach bug quickly sucked the air out of her sail right after that.

Dumpling, Beelay & I went out in search of Christmas lights later.  Honestly we were really disappointed by the lack of holiday cheer...but while we were out it came up that Super Hero & Martha Stewart across the street had been asking for weeks now when we were gonna put our deer up.  So it was decided that Christmas night would be the PERFECT time to put them out, in THEIR yard!!  We get home and Beelay hauls a big box across to their driveway....and runs back home.  While she's getting the other stuff together, Super Hero comes out, moves the box out of his way and moves his MIL's car.  Obviously the joke was up, but that didn't rain on Beelay's parade!!  She and Dumpling got the deer all set up, plugged them in and NOTHING!!  One of the extension cords was bad, so she unplugs half of our own lights to run power...this whole time we can hear their two year old throwing the tantrum of the millennium in her bedroom and the rest of them were probably watching us from a different window.  At one point Martha Stewart even came out and said hi to Beelay.  So the joke really bombed before it even left the ground, but it was funny anyway.  Especially the next day when I was driving Beelay over to a friend's house to ship out for the week and out of nowhere she just starts giggling.  "What are you laughing at?" "M.S. & Super Hero", to which we both shared a little giggle together.  I love having fun neighbors and fun kids too.

Last night, on FB I promised to write and publish a post.  I even took the day off of work to dedicate more time to my writing.  Do you wanna know what I woke up to this morning?  My dad...playing is World of Warcraft on MY computer.  Okay, he paid for it...so I guess he has every right to use it, but of course the one day in 2 months that I'm set on writing, his computer takes a dump?  Really!!  But the good news is, he's decided he "can't afford" to not have a working computer, so he's going to get his repaired AND buy a new one!!  So now I get the old one (which is badass for anything other than his game) and mine (which is perfectly fine) will be handed down the girls.  In the end, we're all a happy bunch.

In response to those that have accused me of slacking off because I've crawled up Dumpling's ass, you can kiss it.  You're right, I guess...but you can still kiss it.  I promise to try to find more time to write in the upcoming days, weeks and months.  Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and has a healthy and prosperous New Year!!!

Here are all of my links for any of you new to my Graceful Disaster.  You can always follow me here through Google Friends Connect (GFC), on Facebook or on Twitter.  Later peeps!!!

In Loving Memory...

Saturday marked the 7th anniversary of the day my whole world shook. Growing up you think you'll live forever. When you hear about parents or grandparents or kids dying, you think "Oh that will never happen to me. That only happens to other people." Then your grandfather might pass away from some old people's disease...you experience a little taste of loss. Then maybe an uncle that lived a hard life fighting his demons might go before his time. But then you're still convinced this is as bad as it'll get. Then one night when you're laying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep...when you hear your phone ringing downstairs and you think about ignoring it...but decide to run downstairs to answer and then you are on autopilot...driving to the hospital in a trance, praying that it's all just an overreaction. Then you're 10 minutes from the hospital and your phone rings again. You answer and you all the sudden feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. You manage to hold it together long enough to drive the rest of the way to the hospital...continuing to pray that the doctors were wrong. That they had their patients mixed up. I run to the ER entry and my legs buckle and the reality starts to set in. My world as I know it...will never be the same again. 

I can try to explain how the tightness in my chest felt like it was smothering me, I was drowning. How I felt like I would never catch my breath again. The hours that I spent crying in the shower so my kids didn't see how broken I really was. How I put on a brave face and made the trek every day to make sure her sweet 15 month old baby was okay.  How my heart broke when I'd be rocking her to sleep and she'd call me mommy, because she didn't understand why Beelay & Slou could call me mommy and she didn't have anyone to call mommy anymore.  I can tell you all about how I would call her cell phone just to get her voicemail so I could hear her voice again, but until you lose your best friend...you'll never be able to truly grasp the feeling. 

I hope that none of you have ever felt that earth shattering pain. And as bad as it was on me, I'm not the only person she left behind. The void that her mom, sister, husband and baby (who's now 8) had to learn to live with...is something I hope I never experience firsthand. 

On September 29, 2005 my best friend Terri Christine Kown Turner died of a massive heart attack at the age of 27. For weeks I wrote down every memory I ever had of her.  I was terrified of forgetting her.  For years when I really wanted to talk to her, I wrote to her. I have a journal full of entries of what I needed to say to her. That was the best therapy I could've ever had. While I miss her every.single.day, I've healed. I don't spend the entire day engulfed in grief anymore. I spend it remembering her and cherishing the time I had with her. I thank God for the wonderful mom he brought into her daughter's life. I believe if Terri could've hand picked her stand in, she would've picked her. 

So let this be a reminder that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Let the ones you love know it. Live every day to it's fullest. And cherish every second that you have.  Part of me feels guilty, but I know that Terri wouldn't want any of us to spend the day being sad. Rather than cry for my loss, I laughed and made new memories with some of my best friends. I love and miss you every day. Your memory will live on through me and everyone else that you touched. 

I know this post is bound to make some of you cry and for that I'm sorry.  That was not my intention, except that it means that through these words, I've touched your heart.  If you're new to my blog, please follow me through GFC, Facebook, or Twitter.  Also, take a second to click the banner below to help me in my rankings at topmommyblogs.com.  Happy Monday.

 

Lollipop...Is My Best Friend!!

And I bet she thought I forgot about her birthday.  I promise I didn't.  I just haven't been in the right mindset to give her the proper attention that she deserves.  I've finally kicked that nasty writers block to the curb and I'm ready serenade my best friend...(I'm singing that line in my best Tim McGraw impersonation).

Lollipop and I met in high school.  I knew who she was...and well she probably didn't have a clue who I was.  She's not very good with names or faces...actually she sucks at them...bad!!  Anyway, there was a fight at the city park one afternoon after school.  Looking back, I don't think I'd ever seen a fight in person before...besides the occasional ass-whooping I'd give my sister.  I think I was there with my boyfriend at the time.  It was one of his friends fighting another guy.  I was enthralled...mesmerized.  I wanted a front row seat.  I guess I wandered off from my boyfriend and I was making my way towards the front of the crowd....when Lollipop grabbed my arm and said "Hey, let's go to the front!!"  And she pulled/pushed me to the front...where we witnessed my bf's friend get the ever living the shit beat out of him.  It's funny.  Boyfriends and even a husband have come and gone....and we're still best friends.

She gets me....and I get her.  She is my person.  She is my cheerleader and my voice of reason.  She is my rock and my shoulder to cry on and my ear to vent to.  She and I are soooooo totally different...that it just clicks.  Her birthday celebration was a little lame.  There weren't enough giggles to justify a whole clowny installment.  It wasn't anyone's fault.  It just happened to fall in the middle of a really busy time and we had to celebrate on a Friday night...and Friday nights are just typically LAME!!!  So instead, I'll tell you some other fabulous birthday stories of "Giggles & Lollipop".

Lollipop doesn't drink very often....I mean she'll have a beer or two every now and then, but she doesn't really DRINK but maybe once a year and there's a VERY good reason behind it too.  There was the birthday where she was drinking keg beer out of a straw...that night ended with her hanging her head out my passenger side window and me holding her in the car by her back pockets while I drove her home.

There was the year Sparky had to carry her out of the bar before she got kicked out for throwing a mostly full beer bottle at some random dude...and it shattered and spewed all over the wedding party hanging out on the deck.  That night it ended with her head out her own passenger window, while I took pictures and Sparky drove us both home.

Then there's last year!!!  Last year is probably why this year was low-key LAME.  Last year it started with us having a nice dinner & margaritas....just the 2 of us.  I don't even think we really planned on going out after.  But some how we ended up OUT...and so were a ton of our friends.  When I spotted Lollipop walk past an occupied table and not so subtly walk off with their pitcher of beer, I knew it was time to go.  I offered to drive Banjo, Big Daddy & Lola home too.  It was like herding cats!!  I finally got her outside, while Big Daddy or Banjo tracked the others down.  While we're standing outside waiting, Lollipop strikes up a conversation with these 2 guys...that we don't know.  I can literally see the wheels turning in her eyes.  I knew she was up to something....and then in slow motion, she clocks both of them in the face at the same time!!  Before they could even react, I grabbed her and threw her in the car.

We get back to Lola's and decide to hang out for a little bit before I take her home.  We get her tucked in on the couch, all nice and cozy.  The rest of us were just hanging out in the kitchen...talking, cutting up and venting.  When I go to check on Lollipop...she's GONE!!!  I look in the bathroom...out on the deck, in the garage...I run out to the car EMPTY!!!

SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!! SHIT!!!!

I run back in the house.  "Ummmm, guys I can't find her!!!"  Banjo & Big Daddy come help me look for her.  As we're driving up the street, Banjo says "What the? Uhhh, I think we found her."  She had walked up to Gumdrop's house...how she figured out which one is his, is beyond any of us.  We both have a hard time remembering which one is his when we're stone cold sober.  She had walked in his front door, straight into his guest room that was occupied by another couple we know (THANK GOD)...and promptly face planted in the floor and woke them up.  They asked her if she was ok...and she just got up and walked back out the door.  When we found her she was puking in the bushes next to the mailbox.  We got her back in the car and drove back down to Lola's to let her know we found her and as we were driving back up to Gumdrop's to drop the boys off...she puked all in my backseat.  It was a chain reaction!!!  Banjo jumps out of the car gagging, Big Daddy ran for the nearest bush and yakked...and I was choking back my own vomit from the stench and the sounds.  It must've been Big Daddy's parenting experience that allowed him to help me handle this situation.  I'm driving to Lollipop's when she starts feeling bad again....she's got her head out the backseat window of my car and he's holding her in this time and I'm just praying that the smell will one day get out of my car.  I finally had to pull over into a little strip mall for her to puke some more.  The sprinklers come on and I jokingly ask her if she wants to run in the sprinklers...that I'll do it with her if she wants to.  I'm thinking if I can get her in the sprinklers at least she can wash the ralph out of her hair....THANK GOD SHE SAID NO!!!  About this time a cop pulls up behind us.  He didn't even get out of his car.  He yelled from this window asking if everything was ok and if I was ok to drive.  He probably didn't really want to know the answer.  He was probably thinking "if this girl isn't okay to drive, then I'm gonna end up with this other drunk bitch in my car and then she's gonna puke in my patrol car."  So he quickly just took my word for it that I was okay to drive and that we had the situation under control.  20 minutes later, we were home safe and sound.  Whew...

So needless to say, it was probably about time Lollipop had a low key birthday celebration.  Just be warned....next year it is ON!!!

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Happy Birthday Clarance...SURPRISE!!!

GAHHHHH!!!  I wish someone had thought to record the surprise part of Clarance's party.  It was priceless.  He was speechless and even teared up just a little bit.  Thank you to Tater, Valentine & Cricket for making it happen.

I truly enjoyed my conversation about the "salty balls" <---sausage balls...with Trixie and Speedo.  I was quite impressed with his talent of stuffing 2 salty balls in his mouth at one time.  That's the bomb diggity right there.  As for the pickles wrapped in ham and cream cheese...thanks to Petunia for ruining my appetite (for a minute). But seriously, just thinking about them makes my mouth get that watery, puky feeling.  BLECK!!!!  But of course her cousin made it before...and her other cousin just got married, in case you were curious.

And Trixie brought up a very good "politically correct" point regarding the Olympics.  If we're encouraged to call black people here "African Americans", what are we supposed to call the other black athletes at the Olympics?  African French? African Canadian?  African Nigerian? African Dominican?  I could go on, but I'm pretty sure the point has been made.  It's just silly.  Aren't we all just Americans?  I'm a white American, Gabby Douglas is a black American and Jennifer Lopez is a Hispanic American.  

Throughout the night (or whole weekend really) it was made abundantly clear that Skeeter really is a dick...but he's really just taking one for the team by saying the things the rest of us don't want to say out loud for fear of hurting anyone's feelings.  Zippy met his match...he found another chatterbox to keep him company or maybe just steal his spotlight.  Kisses Zippy.  

There were tears shed about one-legged girls...and another that turns out to have both of her legs.  We giggled about Clarance's mom...the assistant warden at the woman's prison, trying to play matchmaker.  We had a few of our own episodes of WWE Smackdown on the back patio...seeing as there were only 4 tall chairs around the patio table, they were coveted real estate.  Once you gained residency, you did NOT want to give that shit up!!  So you had me & Chiquita holding "it"...to the point that wetting our pants were a definite possibility.  Poor Skittles thought she was gonna gain occupancy of my chair when I finally couldn't hold it anymore...but luckily Lollipop is my BFF and I know she prefers to stand...so she took up temporary  residency for me while I drained my bladder.  Then you've got Captain Knuckles trying to throw me out of my chair...then eventually stealing Chiquita's and declaring ownership of the fly swatter.  UH OH!!!

Lollipop suggested a Captain Knuckles sandwich too.  He proved he could work the fly swatter on both sides of the "sandwich".  I've truly missed Captain Knuckles...I'm so glad he finally showed up and provided enough material to actually make it into our Clowny Adventures.  Please don't be a stranger.    

Skeeter had quite the conversation with Siri about how many woodchucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.  Freckles rocked out the Kilo...Love In Ya Mouth.  Cuz gave some great advice for the next time someone asks "Do I know you? You look really familiar."  Just ask them if they watch porn.  Tater apparently broke a mirror at work on Saturday...so in the middle of all the insanity, he dug a hole in the moonlight and buried said mirror...to bypass his 7 years of bad luck.  Captain Knuckles was unsuccessfully trying to light his cigarette with a book of matches, eventually using the tiki torches...and being scolded by Cuz, who told him he better be careful "those things'll give you salmonella brother."   All the boys (minus Captain Knuckles) ended up inside having a Duck Dynasty marathon.   I'm sure I'm probably leaving something out...so check back for updates.  Please click on the banner below to keep helping me climb in the rankings at topmommyblogs.com.  Feel free to follow me here and Facebook and share the laughter with your friends.  Have a great week...and stay tuned for more graceful disasters.     

Week 3: A-Z Challenge (CRAP)

Here we are at week 3 of Love Kate's A-Z Weekly All About Me Challenge.  "C" has proven to be a little bit like a flittering lightening bug.  I'll think I've nailed down which path I want to take and then like a bubble...poof it's gone.  "C" just might be a "see you next Tuesday"-ish kinda week!!!


I've come up with several witty ideas for this week, but before I could find the time to actually sit down and put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), this week went to CRAP!!  Now I just don't have it in me to be funny and Charismatic...and if I did, I'd just feel guilty.


When I got home from the beach last Friday night, I got a text letting me know that a close family friend had had a stroke.  He has been like a grandfather to my girls since the day they were each born.  Early this morning Peepaw took his last breath and went on to that big party in the sky.  

I know the last thing he would want any of us to do is sit around and CRY about it.  So while I'm feeling like CRAP, I'm gonna tell y'all about Peepaw.  For as long as I've known him, he's always been a fun lovin', hell raising kind of guy with a heart of gold.  To him, everyone was family...but he loved his kids and grandkids fiercely.


He always told the best stories and gave the best hugs.  He'd been known to throw a few punches every now and then too, but even those usually ended in laughter and hugs.  His dancing would crack anybody up.  

When I sit back and think about him, I see a strong man wearing his denim cut-off muscle blouse, with a toothpick in the side of his mouth, picking at his fingernails with his pocketknife and telling a story. Or I see him boiling the tires off his truck, just to see the smoke and see if he could burn rubber all the way down the street.  He was a man that I'm honored to have known and loved.


Alpharetta will never be the same.  You have left a mark on so many of us.  Now you go on and catch up with Papa & JD and everyone else that went on before you.  I sure hope they have cold beer and motorcycles in heaven....if not, rest assured we'll all be drinking one for you tonight.

Peepaw with Justin & Slou

Rest In Peace:

Walter Lee Pettyjohn

October 14, 1953 - July 19, 2012

Why Grace Should Be A Family Name....

A couple weeks ago, I wrote Why They Call Me Grace. Since then I've been reminded of some stories I left out and, that in all certainty should've passed the name on to both of my children.  

Actually not even 30 minutes after I wrote and published that post, I went to pick Slou up at a friends house and when I pulled in the driveway, the first thing I see is Wonder Mom (her friend's mom & a good friend of mine) wetting a paper towel with the water hose.  The second thing I see is Slou standing in the garage, legs spread and arms out...stiff, like she's afraid to move.  I know this scene.  I've lived it an infinite number of times. Many mom's would probably slam the car into park and jump out as quickly as possible, I on the other hand am so used to seeing this that I calmly and leisurely get out of my car and say "Are you bleeding?" to Slou, to which Wonder Mom answers "No!!" <---She's very aware of our balance deficiency and was joking rather than lying.  I get to the garage and she has blood running all the way from both knees down to her ankles...and her knees looked like they'd been making out with a cheese grater.  They had been trying to save the tadpoles in their little backyard pond and she was running (in crocs) down their pebbled walk way, with water and a tadpole cupped in her hands.  I don't have to spell it out for you...you know where I'm going with this.  "But I still saved the tadpole mama!!!"  Oh praise God!!  She went on to fall 4 more times that weekend, resulting in first aid HELL!!!

Last Friday,  Wonder Mom calls me after swim practice to give me a heads up.  "You're gonna be getting a call from one or both.  I'm not sure if Beelay said something to Slou to set her off, but she was chasing Beelay around the pool deck and slapped her HARD.  Beelay stubbed her toe on something.  It's pretty bad...but I don't think it needs stitches."  Ten minutes later I get the call...it's Beelay.  I stop her before she starts.  "I don't want to hear about it.  I have a feeling that if I knew the whole truth, both of you would be in serious trouble.  Rinse it with peroxide and I'll look at it when I get home."  Eventually, I did take her to urgent care a couple days later just for them to give it a good cleaning and put her on antibiotics.


Now for the lost chapters of me falling from grace.....


Lollipop was sweet enough to remind me of my gravel facial that I received my senior year in high school.  I was down at my now ex-in-laws (we'll call them the outlaws for shiggles) farm.  It was hunting season and the guys were all in the woods until late, leaving me and one of the others girlfriends at the house for way too many hours unsupervised.  We kinda helped ourselves to JD's Jack Daniels...and I hardly have any recollection of the guys ever coming out of the woods that evening.  The story goes, we took a little ride down the dirt roads...back into the chalk mines (fun times).  We were all just hanging out by the trucks and shootin the shit.  When my now ex-husband turned his head for 30 seconds, I hit the ground face first.  All I can tell you is that was the worst case of facial road rash I've ever seen (mainly because I've not seen much).  This was when I became a firm believer in the magic that neosporin has mixed into it's ointment.  Of course when I got home, my story to my mom was that I'd been playing with our puppy Highball and that he'd tripped me...she knows the truth now. PS: I've avoided Jack Daniels ever since.

Then there was the time that I was getting out of a friend's truck, in the rain, in flip flops and my foot slipped right off of the step rail and toe first into the pavement.  I ended up with such a bad infection under my toenail that they had to remove it TWICE, because when it grew back the first time...it grew wrong!!  

Oh, we can't leave out the time I was pumping gas at Kroger...and instead of walking around the car, I decided to carefully hurdle the gas hose.  Ummm, yeah...I landed on all fours and scraped both my knees and palms.  Thank GOD I didn't see anyone I knew.  That was stone cold sober...broad daylight on a Sunday afternoon.


And then you count up all of the countless times I fell off my bike, twisted my ankle, grated my knuckles with the cheese grater, stubbed toes, slammed my own fingers in my own car door (yes, Clarance...I've done it to myself too) and many other painful & careless actions.  Surprisingly I'm still a pretty good driver though....I know it's SHOCKING!!  Rest assured I'll be the first to let you know circumstances of the next time I suffer self-inflicted injuries.  Until then, please follow me here and on Facebook and take a minute to click on the banner below to cast your vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs!!!

Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 3

For those of you just joining this circus you can read part 1 here and part 2 here.  Where we left off in part 2, I was totally relying on the recollection of others.  My last cognitive memory was of us leaving Club La Vela.  The next thing I remember is Chiquita waking me up at 7:30 am with a bottle of water and some advil...good thing she still loved me after the night before.  I was still fully clothed...bra and everything.  Lollipop was peacefully dreaming next to me and all I could think was "What the hell happened?" And then we were all asking "Where the hell is the key?"  Thank God nobody else realized it, but we did leave the door unlocked for the remainder of our stay.

Who's great idea was it to do a 9am dolphin cruise to Shell Island?  Oh wait, that was me...wasn't it?  Obviously I wasn't taking into consideration that we'd probably be suffering from "Rockstar-itus" and then the fact that there was a boat involved.  SHIT!!!  I jumped up and showered and brushed the fowlness out of my mouth and put on my big girl panties and brave face.  Let's do this bitches.

Lollipop and I gave it our best effort and really didn't even start feeling the rumblies until after we left Shell Island and were on our return voyage back to the mainland.  I'm not sure what thoughts were running through her head while she was laying flat on her tummy with her face buried in her arms...but I know I was watching the open water giving myself a silent pep talk.  "You can do this.  No more yacking.  Deep breaths.  We're almost there."

By 3pm we finally made it back to the condo...and after doing a floor to ceiling search of our purses, suitcases, drawers, there was still no sign of our key.  Oh well, time to partake in some of the hair of the dog that bit me.  Drink up!!  We spent the rest of the day lounging on the beach...and me nodding off several times and being woken up by my own snores.

I'll tell you now, that I'm medicated.  Daily I take my ADHD meds, claratin, my anti-depressant & a multi-vitamin...and a sleeping pill at night.  Don't judge me...they make my life and those around me much much much more bearable.  Before we left town, I counted out all of my meds for the weekend and threw them in a zip-loc baggy...not exactly the best idea (I know this), but it's better than taking ALL of my meds with me and them some how getting lost.  Well I noticed around 8ish that my claratin and my sleeping pill looked an awful lot alike.  AAAHA!!!  That partially explains my comatose state and my sporadic naps throughout the day.  Oops.

By 9pm, we're all showered and once again sitting around the table reading our books and discussing the fact that we're spending our last night at the beach doing the most LAME thing ever.  Then it hits us.  Let's go catch crabs!!  There's probably a reason you only go crabbing at night...in the dark.  Could you imagine the number of America's Funniest Home Videos entries there would be if there was light?  You've got 4 grown women chasing crabs on the beach with no tools, other than our flashlights.  Obviously Chiquita and Lollipop have the bigger balls in our group...because I was happy spotting them and chasing them and letting the others actually catch them.  BUT then we all started giving Sunflower hell about being a chicken and squealing like a girl...and I realized I was the pot calling the kettle black.  All the sudden I grew a tiny little set and decided I was gonna be brave for a sec and just snatched that clawed little bastard right out of Lollipop's hand. FUCK!!!!!  I'd gone almost the whole trip without getting hurt and now I've got blood running down my finger!!  Yeah, turns out you're not supposed to grab them near their eyeballs.  Who knew?

Sadly our little escape was coming to an end. The next morning we packed up the car and cleared out the condo...all of us with thoughts of the $40 lockout fee in the backs of our minds.  When Lollipop saved the day...she found the damn key up under the nightstand.  Of course, we're certain she's the one that tossed it there....so really she was just saving her own ass.  


We (I) needed to make 2 stops before we hit the road.  Target, because I spotted that they had recycling bins and I'm green dammit!!  I did my best to save all of our beer cans and bottles...even though my fellow clowns weren't much help.  Of course, I'm used to the recycling man picking all of mine up at the curb....I had no idea I was supposed to like rinse them out and shit before I took them to Target.  Oops, that kinda left a wet, stinky mess.  My bad.  And second stop, Ron Jon's to pick up some t-shirts for my offspring.  It hits me while we're browsing...I manage to keep it together long enough for all of us to finish our shopping.  Thank GOD for Sunflower asking where the nearest bathroom is...ACROSS THE STREET!?!?!  WTF?!?!  RUN!!!!!!!


You wanna talk about a power pooper?  We all walked in together, but by the time everyone else was done peeing, flushing and exiting their stalls...I'd already pooped, flushed, washed my hands and was waiting for their slow asses.  TMI you say? Well, too bad...that's how we roll!!!

The trip home was rather uneventful other than the flipped over car in Dothan, AL, the trip through the hood in Columbus, GA and seeing Mr. Ed whip his hair back and forth (if you don't have kids, look up Willow Smith's song)...We even missed our exit (on purpose) to get this pic.




THE END!!!

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Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 2

Click here if you missed part 1 of this comedic tale....

After Chiquita read part 1, the following IM conversation took place:

C: Part 1 almost made me cry.  I can't wait to read part 2.  Just don't forget I almost choked you too.
G: I know.  Don't worry.  I wanna make sure everyone knows I got my payback.
C: Do you need me to proof it or are you gonna write it from your beer goggles mind set.
G: I'll let you proof it...but I may keep my goggles on, so I don't feel quite so stupid.
C: Don't forget one of the reasons your readers love you is because you can laugh AT YOURSELF!!
G: Don't yell at me!!!

So here goes nothing...I hope by the end you'll be laughing WITH me...NOT at me.  I knew there was a reason why I had decided to stick with beer as my drink of choice when in a public setting....the reason had just escaped me, until now.  I should probably mention now, that Lollipop and Chiquita had an agenda.  They're plan was to get me and Sunflower some action.


Friday night we went out to dinner at a nearby restaurant that the condo maintenance guy told Lollipop about...that he happened to bartend at too.  It was delicious!!!  And he sent us on our way with his "Aaron's Pink Lemonade" shot.  As you can see, they look quite tasty....and if you read between the lines, they spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E!!!  

We thought we were rockstars...so we decided to head to the infamous Club Lavela.  Where we quickly realized we were in fact old enough to be most of these people's parents.  So instead of leaving we just drank more...to help us forget we were old.  I admit we had the BEST spot in the bar for people watching.  There was the girl wearing what can only be described as a black & fluorescent lime green spandex mini dress shirt...and boy could she move.  Her friend tried her damnedest to stick close and pull her mini dress shirt back down every time her panties decided to play peek-a-boo with whichever boy's crotch she was bouncing around on...

Several cocktails later, I decided to be silly and go dance by myself...trying to lure any of my friends to join me.  Sunflower finally joined me for a sec...but I guess she hadn't had as many cocktails as me, because she left me.  Then Lollipop came out there with me...and then I left her (maybe...I don't remember).  Next thing I remember is Chiquita and Lollipop working their way to the stage!!!  Then there they are in all their glory...dirty dancing with the little girls that were maybe 5 years older than my oldest child.  While Sunflower and I are trying to take damning pictures of the only 2 of us that are "taken"...Sunflower points out the girl dancing up on the pedestal could pass for Beelay.  CHECK!!!  I'm done...we're leaving.

Here's where it gets a little hazy.  We happened upon a neat little bar...where Lollipop decided to try pimp me and Sunflower out.  ***Damn good thing Chiquita was DD...after all we are responsible adults.  We make a beeline to the bathroom and then the bar.  Lollipop approaches a group of guys and tells this one guy "Go hit on my friend and take your glasses off while you do it."...and he did it!!  He bought me a beer and I straight-faced said "Thank you Scott." and he said "Huh? My name is Ryan...but my friends call me Christ because I'm so giving."  To which I just felt his shirt and said "Well, this feels like cheap linen." <----Huh? WTF was I talking about?  

***I really wish I could share the whole IM convo I'm having right now with Chiquita and Sunflower...trying to clarify what isn't so clear.  

Lollipop was quite the bossy bitch.  When a friend of Ryan Scott Christ went to the other end of the bar to order a drink...she ordered him to come order it by us and told him not to stick his ass out that way.  Turns out he was on the brink of proposing to his girlfriend.  Some how in conversation everyone started comparing their license pictures and he told Chiquita she looked like a Mexican and she called him a racist and decided that his name would be Pedro.  At some point the bar turned into a spa....with massages and all.  Don't ask...because I really don't know.

Then there's the ONLY single guy in the group.  Sweet adorable Danimal...who was maybe 5'2".  I think he really took a liking to Sunflower.  Apparently I was begging to leave the whole time we were there...and I guess I talked Sunflower into leaving (again I have ZERO recollection) of this.  We were sitting in the car when I had this great idea that I was gonna go make out with Christ.  They're saying I threw her to the wolves...and abandoned our plan to escape.  After that I guess it was only fair that after I kissed Christ, he turned and walked away (because he had a girlfriend...who buys a girl a beer, shots and jello shots when they have a GIRLFRIEND?)  Anyway, this must have really burst my bubble...because I then went back to the car and pouted like a 3 year old.

I may have the timing all wrong but Chiquita eventually came out to the car and noticed the midget on the patio, rocking the Bieber bangs...and decided it was time to go before Pimp Mama spotted him and had him stashed under the seat of the car.  Why we all nominated Chiquita to be our DD is beyond me.  Great idea for the most directionally challenged of us all to be the only sober one left to navigate us through a town none of us knew our way around.  She tells me she was on the verge of a full on panic attack when I tried to smother her.  Whatevs.

Lollipop secretly called Jinx while we were lost...but she just sat in the backseat with her phone to her ear.  When asked who she was talking to, she said "nobody"...and when he told her the next day she drunk dialed him, she said "No I didn't." "Who did then?" "Sunflower."  Poor Sunflower just kept getting thrown under the bus.  By the time Chiquita FINALLY got us back to the condo (no thanks to the rest of us drunk assholes), we all had to pee....and I had to PUKE!!  She took a picture of all 3 of us squatting around someone else's car peeing...and me puking.  All you can really see is my WHITE ass...thanks to all the sun I got.  Eventually we made it to the condo...unlocked the door and then the key went missing for the next 24 hours.

We had made a deal that we would all take turns between sleeping in the bed and having to sleep on the pullout.  That night was supposed to be Chiquita and Sunflowers turn...oops, I forgot.  Again, they say....I laid down with my head at the foot of the bed and promptly passed out...

You'll have to wait until part 3 to read about how we wannabe rockstars spent the rest of our vacation.  I really tried to fit it into 2 parts...but there's just too much funniness to share.  Stay tuned....and follow me here, like me on Facebook and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the banner below.  Thanks for reading....hope you've enjoyed.

Swans & Playboys...

My parents divorced when I was in high school.  My dad temporarily moved in with my grandparents.  The timing really couldn't have been more perfect.  My grandma had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a couple of years previously and within a couple months of my dad moving in, Pappy had a stroke.  Thank God dad was there!! 

Pappy had been Grandma's sole caregiver and with him no longer able to fill those shoes, it fell on my dad. Some days he took her to an elderly daycare and some days he paid me to come sit with her while he was gone to work.

Grandma was an avid bridge player and swan collector.  She had all of her swans displayed nicely through out the house.  Growing up, we were always told to be careful around Grandma's swans and to NOT TOUCH.  Grandma hadn't had a lucid moment in months (that I was aware of).  This particular day, my brother had come along to keep me company while I stayed with her.  I was probably 17 and he was 13.  Most of the morning we had just been goofing off and playing cards or whatever, while Grandma talked to the t.v. screen (it wasn't turned on) and smoked her imaginary cigarettes.

Again, let me remind you that she hadn't had a rational conversation in a long time.  We were rolling a ball in the living room (we were BORED), not throwing or kicking...just gently rolling a grocery store bouncy ball back and forth to each other.  Grandma yells at us "Are you two looking for a tussle?  Because if you break one of those swans, I'm gonna give you one."  I remember looking at her and actually seeing her in her eyes.  She was there!!  I remember being scared SHITLESS for a minute...and then she was gone again.

We always knew those swans were her pride and joy...and that just nailed it!!  All we could do is laugh.  Grandma was 5' nothing and maybe weighed 90 lbs. and she was threatening to take us over her knee?  She'd been blank for so long and then it's those damn swans that bring her back?  You'd think that would've been the highlight for the day...wrong!

After this we decide to order a pizza for lunch and I went into Pappy's office trying to find the phone book.  I think I may have even called dad at work to ask where the phone book would be.  So I'm down on my hands and knees looking under Pappy's desk...and I see a bunch of magazines.  We're talking 5 piles that were probably 3' tall.  Huh? I've never noticed magazines on the coffee table....or on the nightstand or in the bathroom.  Magazines?  Where the hell is the damn phone book?  Then I pull the top magazine off the pile and sit up and turn the lights on...it was a Playboy magazine circa 1965 (I'm guessing on the year).  There were FIVE 3' piles of Playboy magazines!!!

I was SHOCKED!!!  And gagging and my eyes were on fire!!!  I have no idea what ever happened to those things...I highly doubt dad held onto them, but could you imagine what they'd be worth now!!!  Needless to say, I quit looking for the phone book...my appetite was gone!!!  I'm not a prude or anything, but the thoughts of my Pappy and Playboy in the same scenario...completely scarred me for years.  Now of course I find it HYSTERICAL!!!

And this leads me to my next story.... 

Beelay is staying with my mom for a couple of days.  Following is our FB chat earlier this morning.

B: I found _____'s (my mom's bf) Playboy magazines

Me: Oh.  I knew they were down there somewhere.  I still remember how creeped out I was when I found Pappy's.

B: There are naked women in there. Pretty gross!!!!!

Me:  Yeah, I know.  Just don't look at them...please.  Maybe when you're 16 or something.  They'll be worth a lot of money one day...so maybe they'll be your inheritance.  HAHAHAHA!!!


B: GROSS!!!!  I already looked at them!!!


At this point, I guess I forgot that I was talking to my 13 year old daughter.  I had to stop myself from asking her if any of the pages were stuck together.  GAG!!!  Now she's scarred too...and at a much younger age than I was.  Oh well.  It'll give her something to laugh about when she's older...and her mind has been corrupted by our family's dirty senses of humor. 

Happy Monday!!  Hope everyone has a great week.  Don't forget to follow me here and like me on Facebook. 

Why They Call Me Grace....

Ya see, I have this problem...a deficiency really.  My body just doesn't produce nearly enough balance.  I trip over nothing, I fall  up stairs (and down), I run into door jams...the list could really go on and on forever.

But I have a logical explanation.  I was cursed blessed with enormous breasts!!  I mean the boys in my high school named them.  They really needed their own zip code, really.  I had to go to a specialty shop to buy bathing suits.  My tan line for my bathing suit top went half way down my ribs and I had to wear deodorant under those babies. 

So when I was 18, my mom successfully manipulated negotiated with the insurance company into paying for 100% of a breast reduction.  I was thrilled...no ecstatic...no, I can't even come up with a word that describes how grateful and overcome with joy I was.  I was finally going to be able to wear shirts that buttoned up and buy those cute bra & panty sets.  People weren't going to only see me for my tatas anymore.

These are not mine...

Well, turns out God gave me these size 9.5 feet to help carry the heavy load of those bitches...and when I downsized, I effed up my equilibrium.  At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  Despite the fact that I was the only one that tripped over Buffy's water bowl EVERY time I went over to Katie's house...even though it was ALWAYS in the exact same spot...from the 4th grade on. 


My gracefulness just intensified with my reduction in cup size and increase in SHOT size.  Me and drinking...we've had a hell of a history.  I see it only right that I share some of the better stories of our past.  Knock on wood, I haven't had any graceful disasters lately.


1-2-3-FLOOR!!
While sitting at our local watering hole...literally SITTING on a bar stool at a table, I was sitting there talking to my friends and leaning on the table.  When (what I can only assume) my elbows slipped off the table and my boot heels got hung up in the rungs of the bar stool...I face planted right there in the floor in front of everyone.  I apparently didn't even try to catch myself.  I think it just happened so fast...I couldn't even react.  I laid there laughing at myself for a solid 5 minutes (along w/ my audience/friends)...half expecting them to pee their pants, when they finally helped me up.


What out for them bushes:
Let me start this one from the end and work my way back.  One morning after a really fun night, Lollipop and I were pulling out of our friend's house that we'd crashed at the night before, when I look down and say "What the hell is on my skirt? It looks like berries or something."  And Lollipop precedes to tell me this: Well when we got here last night, you jumped out of the car and started running towards the front porch...but you weren't exactly running straight.  Your eyes kinda glazed over and you went running past the stairs and right into the bushes.  I could still hear your legs going even though you were flat on your back.  I couldn't get you up because I was laughing so hard.  I had to go get _______ to come carry you inside. Damn you, Jager!!!


Dirt road ditty:
We're all still arguing about this one, because I swear to GOD I wasn't drunk!!  We were out 4-wheeling.  Somebody got stuck and the rest of us were just walking down the trail.  Well Jinx pushed me...not hard, but hard enough to knock me off balance.  He says I fell, because it took me staggering 10 yards between the trail and the embankment before I actually landed.  What he doesn't understand is, that was me trying to steady myself after his push...and FAILING!!!  You pushed me acehole!!!


Worst of all....SOBER!!!:
It was 6:30am on a Tuesday morning.  I was rushing Slou down the stairs to grab breakfast and finish getting ready for school.  There was a nylon sleeping bag bag laying half way up the stairs.  I hit that sucker at full speed and it was like in the cartoons when somebody slips on a banana peel.  In my recollection, I see myself (in slow motion) going up 3' and landing flat on my back...and staying there.  I knew it was bad instantly.  I've never come so close to passing out and throwing up all at the same time.  I broke into a cold sweat.  I couldn't breath without crying.  Thank God my dad was there, otherwise that would've been an ambulance ride...and my girls would've been forced to go along for the ride.  As it was, he took them to school and then came back to take me to the ER.  I broke my T-10 vertabrae.  I was flat on my back in bed for a solid 2 weeks and it took MONTHS for it to heal...and I still have issues from time to time and it's 2 1/2 years later.  Sadly, that was not the first time those stairs kicked my ass...and it wasn't the last either.


So now ya know a little bit more of the story behind the mystery that is Graceful Disaster.  Feel free to share any of your graceful moments or mine that I left out.  Please click follow here and like me on Facebook here. To vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs...click the banner below.  Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend...nobody gets hurt.

I Swore I'd Never Be That Girl...

Ok, so I just read a post on Motherhood Truth. This is my response to her question: How would you feel if you were picking up or dropping off your kid at school and there was someone smoking, right there in plain sight??? 

I started smoking when I was 15.  I'd sneak out my bedroom window and smoke on the roof and then RUN in and hop in the shower...certain that my mom didn't have a clue.  Turns out 15 year old's in fact do NOT know it ALL!!  When I got busted, she pleaded with me..."I loved you enough to quit smoking when I got pregnant with you, love yourself enough to quit now." Blah blah blah...my response was "I'll quit when I get pregnant."  She promptly cut me off!!  I mean she made sure I was fed, clothed and didn't go without...but the only money she gave me was enough for lunch money and that was it.  No way was she going to give me an allowance that I in turn would spend on cancer sticks.

So...who knew those words would come back to bite me in the ASS?!?!  I got knocked up at the ripe old age of 20!!  I quit cold turkey...but of course my husband didn't and after I popped that 8 pounder out, I quickly started puffing away again.  I didn't smoke in the car with my baby...but he did.  I didn't smoke in the house...but he did.  Because we were idiots and didn't figure out how it happened the first time...I got knocked up again (kidding...she was planned).  But this time the quitting cold turkey was sooooo much harder.  I probably averaged 3 sticks a day.


I LOVED smoking!!  Especially after my divorce.  It was my solace...my escape from reality for a brief 10 minutes at a time.  I could go sit on the back porch (the one who's roof I used to sneak on to) and have a few desperately needed minutes of SILENCE!!!  My girls knew not to bother me when I was out there...they'd patiently wait just inside the door for me.  


As they got older and started school, I was embarrassed that I smoked.  I didn't want any of the other parents to know I smoked.  If they had a friend over, I'd either wait til they left or I'd go hide somewhere and sneak a few puffs.  Then they got to the point where they were embarrassed too.  Beelay didn't even want me to smoke in my car after I dropped them off at school or on my way home from work because one of her friends might see me.


I wanted to quit.  I knew I didn't want to continue setting this horrible example for my kids.  I knew I couldn't afford the rising prices.  BUT dammit...I LOVED it!!!  Finally, on Jan. 1, 2010...I did it!!!  I quit!!  I swore I'd never be that girl though.  The judgmental former smoker that thought "If I can do it, so can you."  The one in the group that would say "I really don't wanna go there because it's so smoky."  Guess what?  I became that girl...usually silently, but all of those thoughts were there (they still are).


I was always respectful of non-smokers.  So when I ran to the bagel shop the other day to pick up lunch and these two guys were standing right at the door, shooting the shit and puffing away...it PISSED ME OFF!!  It wasn't raining, it wasn't cold...it was a beautiful day!!!  Why not walk away from the door...so everyone walking in or out or who was sitting right inside the door, didn't have to inhale your pollution?  


So when I read Motherhood Truth's post...I had to answer!!!  Besides it being prohibited, I think it's disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant and foolish for parents to even think about smoking in the carpool line...or in the parking lot or on the playground or soccer field.  WAKE UP!!!  It's 2012!!  I don't think smoking should be banned.  I don't think that smokers should be butt raped by taxes.  If they want to smoke...have at it!!  Hell, smoke one for me...but seriously people, don't force it on those that have chosen to take their health seriously!!!

Oh How I've Missed Being Tagged!!

Ohhhhh, I loved these things on myspace and then on facebook!!!  "Surveys" were how I shared my humor before I stumbled upon the great world of blogging.  My bloggy friend at Mommy on the Edge tagged me, so here it goes...PS: If I didn't tag you and you'd like to play along...feel free!!!  If you don't have your own blog, you're welcome to post your answers as a comment on this post. 

The rules (if you choose to play along) are as follows:

Each person must post 11 random things about themselves.

Answer the questions that the person that tagged you posted.

Create 11 new questions for the people that you tag

Pick 11 new people to tag, link them on your post & go to their page and tell them they've been tagged.  No tag backs!!!

11 Things About Me:

1. I'm lazy!!  I'm the queen of procrastination.  

2. I'm an OCD planner.  How does one manage to be both lazy and an OCD planner?  Well, you see I plan it all out so I can strategically knock everything out in one fell swoop...so I can quickly get back to being lazy.

3. My 13 year old daughter asked me what a "twat" is yesterday.  After I recovered from the choke that seized me, I of course asked where she heard it and then told her what it meant...and kindly asked her to NEVER say it in front of me again.  Notice I didn't tell her to "NEVER say it again" because that would be highly hypocritical of me.

4. Laughter is my drug of choice.  I love laughing until there are tears running down my cheeks or pee running down my legs.

5. I've been single for far too long to comfortably read "Fifty Shades of Gray"...I've NEVER been so sexually frustrated in my life!!

6. I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and that I was freaking out about it and then still in my dream state, I realized it was absolutely scientifically impossible for me to be pregnant...and that I must have been carrying God's second son.

7. I was once bitten by a brown recluse...on the back of my thigh.  Had it been any closer to an extremity (hand or foot), I could've lost them.  I still have a scar from the giant hole it left in my leg...ask me and I'll show you one day.  And now I'm deathly scared of spiders!!

8. I've never really liked girls.  I've had very few close girl friends...I preferred to have boys as my friends, I preferred to babysit boys.  I can't stand drama, whining, back stabbing or overall cattiness!!  So God decided to play a mean trick on me and give me TWO girls of my own!!  Guess he really does have a sense of humor.

9. I married a redneck when I was 20 years old.  When I divorced him 6 years later, I buried my love for 4-wheeling, monster trucks and hot rods deep inside of me.  Now my inner redneck only shines through when I'm covered in mud, surrounded by the smell of burning rubber or consumed by the excitement of the demolition derby.

10. Maybe it's not buried that deep...because I still LOVE country music.  I love Solid Gold Saturday Night just as much as I love the top 40 country count down.  I enjoy most any music...but country is the soundtrack of my life.

11. I want to go back to school.  I just don't know what for or how to make it happen.  I'm terrified that my children will suffer from the time it will take away from them.  It's an inner struggle I've been fighting for years...what's a few more?  I can always follow my dreams when they've graduated from college, right?

Mommy on the Edge's questions:

1. Why do you blog and how did you get started?

I blog because it's cheaper than therapy and probably more effective.  I started out writing about by parenting failures and accomplishments...and that's still pretty much what I do.

2. Dogs or Cats?

Both and neither?  I love them both...but I'm so tired of cleaning up after them.  My dog is 16 and my cat is 17...I'm beginning to think they're gonna live FOREVER!!!

 

3. What's your hobby?

Reading, blogging & cheering on my kids

 

4. Lots of besties, or a few besties and lots of acquaintances?

Just a few besties, a TON of friends and a lot of acquaintances. 

5. Facebook...love it or hate it?

Oh I still love it!!!  

6. Your favorite band and why?

Sugarland...because not only can I relate to most of their music, they also put on a spectacular show.

7. Do you read the gossip rags while waiting in line at the supermarket?

I used to...before self check out and smart phones :)

8. If you could sleep w/any celebrity who would it be?

Matthew McConaughey...no explanation necessary!!

9. How many people know your deepest, darkest secret?

Hmmm, I don't think I have any deep dark secrets.  If I do, only 1-2 people know it.

 

10. What's your dream vehicle?

Used to be a Land Rover, but now I'd just be happy with something that gets 30 miles to the gallon, has a sunroof and leather seats.

 

11. If you lived to be 100 what is the one thing you'd still want to be able to do on your own?

Wipe my own ass!!!

Tag You're it!!!
The Backwards Bride 
Livin' On Sweet Tea
Diary of a Diva Mom

Pink Cheeks 

1 Bad Mom

And This Little Piggy 

Chit Chat, This and That 

Motherhood Truth 

The Scoop on Poop 

Two Too Smart Smartass Mommies 

Peace, Love & A Softball Mama 

My Gracefully Disastrous Questions:

1. What is your most embarrassing parenting or relationship (if you're not a parent) moment?

2. Have you ever fallen down in public? If so, do tell...

3. How many blog followers do you have? PS: I only have 20 according to blogger.

4. What's your favorite cuss word? If you don't cuss...what word would slip out of your mouth if you stubbed the hell out of your toe?

5. How often do you really mop your kitchen floor? Be honest!!

6. What is your favorite book?  I'm not kidding...I'm looking for new reading material.

7. How old were you when you started your period? 

8. When was the last time you had an "OH SHIT" moment? Please explain, so I don't feel so bad about myself.

9. Are your parents still married? If so, what do you think their secret is?

10. What is your biggest fear?

11. What is your biggest wish?