My Latest Graceful Disaster

We have a first day of school family tradition...as do I'm sure most of you.  From the day I started Kindergarten, my mom ALWAYS took first day of school pictures.  Whether we were on the front porch, the driveway or standing at the bus stop...whatever.  So of course I've carried on the family tradition with my kids...same front porch, driveway or bus stop.  ALWAYS together...until yesterday.  

Due to new schools opening, for transportation reasons, they've changed the hours at middle school.  This turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  I was convinced that it was going to demolish our morning routine...turns out it works PERFECT!!!  For those of you that have been reading for a while or know me personally, you know that my girls have a love/hate relationship.  They FIGHT like the Dickens most of the time and they both think they're a better mom to each other than I ever possibly could be.

Slou being in 5th grade this year, is now part of the morning safety patrol and needs to report by 7:10am for duty.  Yesterday, she got herself up and ready and woke me up to tell me she was going downstairs to fix her breakfast...just as my alarm clock was going off.  It was PERFECT!!!  I got up, took her first day of school pics and took her to school.  This was the first time I haven't walked her all the way to her classroom on the first day...but she's top dog on campus now.

I was actually off work yesterday, so that made it even less stressful.  I was able to wait until I got back from dropping Slou off to wake Beelay up.  This difference in school schedules just might be the exact formula that we needed all along.  The equation is harmonious bliss in our household...at least until I step out the front door to take Beelay's first day of school pictures.

As I was getting into position to take her pictures on the front porch, the damn planter that has probably been in the same spot since my childhood, decided to jump out and bite me!!  It then started shattering into shards of plastic...that sliced my leg open, leading to my one-legged catch my balance and don't bust my ass dance all through the front bushes.  I swear to God, all of the bushes are out to get me!!  After a couple 4 letter words, I finally danced my way out of the bushes and back onto level ground.  All the while Beelay is laughing uncontrollably...and I'm trying with all of my might not to cry!!

This little catastrophe led to her pictures being taken in the driveway...and adding up to like 5 less than I took of her sister, which I made up by taking pictures of my wounds.  Of course now I can't wear any shoes other than flip-flops until my heel heals...and I woke myself up a handful of times during the night when my tender shredded/lacerated skin was rubbed wrong by my sheets!!  It really does suck to be me sometimes.  Oh and my dad's response when I showed him the blood running down my shin..."I swear you must have inherited your lack of grace from your mom's side and passed it on to your children.  I've never known anyone so accident prone in my life.".  Thanks Dad for pointing out the obvious.

So as far as first days of school go...it was a pretty great day other than the time spent with the first aid kit.  And the form that came home regarding the 8th grade Georgia trip...that informed me I have until Sept. 10th to pay the deposit of $145 and until Oct. 10th to pay the $145 balance!!!  HELLO!!!!  I'm a single mom that has to save for stuff like that...and this is already the most expensive part of my year (between school supplies, clothes, sports, both girl's birthdays and CHRISTMAS!!!).  Couldn't they have at least warned me at the end of the school year last year?  Of course any donations would be greatly appreciated...just kidding.  I'll figure it out some how.

Here's where I say thank you for reading, following and sharing...and begging for you to vote for me at topmommyblogs.com by clicking on the banner below.  Here's the link for my Facebook page too.  Have a great day!!!  For shiggles...I'm linking up with Stacy Uncorked for Random Rebel...click on her button to check out some other entertaining blogs.  Later!!!

  

Clowns Gone Wild - A Girl's Trip...Part 2

Click here if you missed part 1 of this comedic tale....

After Chiquita read part 1, the following IM conversation took place:

C: Part 1 almost made me cry.  I can't wait to read part 2.  Just don't forget I almost choked you too.
G: I know.  Don't worry.  I wanna make sure everyone knows I got my payback.
C: Do you need me to proof it or are you gonna write it from your beer goggles mind set.
G: I'll let you proof it...but I may keep my goggles on, so I don't feel quite so stupid.
C: Don't forget one of the reasons your readers love you is because you can laugh AT YOURSELF!!
G: Don't yell at me!!!

So here goes nothing...I hope by the end you'll be laughing WITH me...NOT at me.  I knew there was a reason why I had decided to stick with beer as my drink of choice when in a public setting....the reason had just escaped me, until now.  I should probably mention now, that Lollipop and Chiquita had an agenda.  They're plan was to get me and Sunflower some action.


Friday night we went out to dinner at a nearby restaurant that the condo maintenance guy told Lollipop about...that he happened to bartend at too.  It was delicious!!!  And he sent us on our way with his "Aaron's Pink Lemonade" shot.  As you can see, they look quite tasty....and if you read between the lines, they spell T-R-O-U-B-L-E!!!  

We thought we were rockstars...so we decided to head to the infamous Club Lavela.  Where we quickly realized we were in fact old enough to be most of these people's parents.  So instead of leaving we just drank more...to help us forget we were old.  I admit we had the BEST spot in the bar for people watching.  There was the girl wearing what can only be described as a black & fluorescent lime green spandex mini dress shirt...and boy could she move.  Her friend tried her damnedest to stick close and pull her mini dress shirt back down every time her panties decided to play peek-a-boo with whichever boy's crotch she was bouncing around on...

Several cocktails later, I decided to be silly and go dance by myself...trying to lure any of my friends to join me.  Sunflower finally joined me for a sec...but I guess she hadn't had as many cocktails as me, because she left me.  Then Lollipop came out there with me...and then I left her (maybe...I don't remember).  Next thing I remember is Chiquita and Lollipop working their way to the stage!!!  Then there they are in all their glory...dirty dancing with the little girls that were maybe 5 years older than my oldest child.  While Sunflower and I are trying to take damning pictures of the only 2 of us that are "taken"...Sunflower points out the girl dancing up on the pedestal could pass for Beelay.  CHECK!!!  I'm done...we're leaving.

Here's where it gets a little hazy.  We happened upon a neat little bar...where Lollipop decided to try pimp me and Sunflower out.  ***Damn good thing Chiquita was DD...after all we are responsible adults.  We make a beeline to the bathroom and then the bar.  Lollipop approaches a group of guys and tells this one guy "Go hit on my friend and take your glasses off while you do it."...and he did it!!  He bought me a beer and I straight-faced said "Thank you Scott." and he said "Huh? My name is Ryan...but my friends call me Christ because I'm so giving."  To which I just felt his shirt and said "Well, this feels like cheap linen." <----Huh? WTF was I talking about?  

***I really wish I could share the whole IM convo I'm having right now with Chiquita and Sunflower...trying to clarify what isn't so clear.  

Lollipop was quite the bossy bitch.  When a friend of Ryan Scott Christ went to the other end of the bar to order a drink...she ordered him to come order it by us and told him not to stick his ass out that way.  Turns out he was on the brink of proposing to his girlfriend.  Some how in conversation everyone started comparing their license pictures and he told Chiquita she looked like a Mexican and she called him a racist and decided that his name would be Pedro.  At some point the bar turned into a spa....with massages and all.  Don't ask...because I really don't know.

Then there's the ONLY single guy in the group.  Sweet adorable Danimal...who was maybe 5'2".  I think he really took a liking to Sunflower.  Apparently I was begging to leave the whole time we were there...and I guess I talked Sunflower into leaving (again I have ZERO recollection) of this.  We were sitting in the car when I had this great idea that I was gonna go make out with Christ.  They're saying I threw her to the wolves...and abandoned our plan to escape.  After that I guess it was only fair that after I kissed Christ, he turned and walked away (because he had a girlfriend...who buys a girl a beer, shots and jello shots when they have a GIRLFRIEND?)  Anyway, this must have really burst my bubble...because I then went back to the car and pouted like a 3 year old.

I may have the timing all wrong but Chiquita eventually came out to the car and noticed the midget on the patio, rocking the Bieber bangs...and decided it was time to go before Pimp Mama spotted him and had him stashed under the seat of the car.  Why we all nominated Chiquita to be our DD is beyond me.  Great idea for the most directionally challenged of us all to be the only sober one left to navigate us through a town none of us knew our way around.  She tells me she was on the verge of a full on panic attack when I tried to smother her.  Whatevs.

Lollipop secretly called Jinx while we were lost...but she just sat in the backseat with her phone to her ear.  When asked who she was talking to, she said "nobody"...and when he told her the next day she drunk dialed him, she said "No I didn't." "Who did then?" "Sunflower."  Poor Sunflower just kept getting thrown under the bus.  By the time Chiquita FINALLY got us back to the condo (no thanks to the rest of us drunk assholes), we all had to pee....and I had to PUKE!!  She took a picture of all 3 of us squatting around someone else's car peeing...and me puking.  All you can really see is my WHITE ass...thanks to all the sun I got.  Eventually we made it to the condo...unlocked the door and then the key went missing for the next 24 hours.

We had made a deal that we would all take turns between sleeping in the bed and having to sleep on the pullout.  That night was supposed to be Chiquita and Sunflowers turn...oops, I forgot.  Again, they say....I laid down with my head at the foot of the bed and promptly passed out...

You'll have to wait until part 3 to read about how we wannabe rockstars spent the rest of our vacation.  I really tried to fit it into 2 parts...but there's just too much funniness to share.  Stay tuned....and follow me here, like me on Facebook and vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs by clicking the banner below.  Thanks for reading....hope you've enjoyed.

Summertime Clownin' Around

Well summertime is upon us.  My summertime theme song is Summer Girl by Jessica Andrews.  This song just makes me happy!!  It makes me feel young and carefree....

 

My Memorial Day weekend was spent loving up on my new nephew, visiting with family & clownin' around with my friends.  I had a desperately needed lake day...thanks to Banjo for letting me and Chiquita tag along.  It was EXACTLY what the doctor ordered!!!  Although I know you'd all expect there to be more entertainment value, considering Tree Frog & Gumdrop were present...but it was just a nice relaxing afternoon being kissed by the sun and enjoying some catching up time with Easy and his girlfriend Sugar...and Lola & Big Daddy.  It was the perfect day spent anchored out with ice cold beer in hand.

All week long, the plan was to go to the "Summer In The Country Music Festival" Saturday night and hit WaHo on the way home.  Just want to throw that out there.  I gotta give props to whoever put this festival together....it was an all day event, held at someone's farm in Cleveland, GA. It was FREE!!!  They were selling what smelled like delicious bbq...but since the plan was WaHo, I didn't actually eat any.  They had a great line-up of home-grown local talent...and our friend's band was the last act performing. <Promo Review Ends Here>

We pull into what looks like a pasture, with a beautiful old farmhouse on the right and the coolest looking barn I've ever seen behind it.  We park and set out to find our "Bazaar" family.  As we're walking up the gravel driveway, I spot this kid sportin' a doo rag and he is dancing his skinny little ass off!!!  As we get closer, just as I'm pointing him out to Lollipop...it registers that it's Lil' Bit (Skeeter's son...and one of my very favorite little boys in the whole wide world).  "Bazaar" family...FOUND!!!  

 

So while enjoying the music and the lightning bugs and friends...Skeeter pulls out the ICE cold (like sitting in the freezer for a year) peach moonshine!!!   In my old age, I've become some what of a sissy when it comes to alcohol.  Maybe it's the killer hangovers or maybe it's all of the blurred memories of my clumsy ass making a complete fool of myself...that being said, I only had one small swig.  It was DIVINE!!!  I wanted more...but my fear of throwing up or falling down kept me rooted to my ice cold Bud Light Lime.  Chiquita on the other hand...

Chiquita turned into Little Miss Crabby Pants when the sun went down.  I was too busy playing around with Lil' Bit and enjoying the music to notice that she kept sneaking over to "say hi" to Skeeter and Clarabelle...as an excuse to have a few (too many) sips of the hooch.  Before I know it, she's whining that she's ready to go home.  Our friend's band, Under The Wheel (the whole reason we were even there) was still performing. Next thing I know, she's sitting shotgun in MY car, that Jinx is driving us home in....and throwing a little tantrum about sitting in the backseat.  So I GRUDGINGLY sit in the backseat of my OWN car with Lollipop...

"So we're still going to WaHo, right?"  "NO!!  I'm ready to go home...NOW!!!"  "WHAT?!?!  I'm effing starving!!!"  "Whatevs bitch, there's food at the house."  "ACE HOLE!!" And so the bickering goes on and on and on...the whole way back to civilization.  It finally comes to light that Little Miss Crabby Pants actually ate at the festival!!!  No wonder she wasn't hungry!!!  So I beg Jinx to at least run the drive-thru at Krystal's...but NOOOOOOOO!!!!  Guess he was too scared of LMCP throwing another tantrum...so he literally drove right past Krystal's and McDonald's, straight home!!  I think I honestly could've cried, I was so hungry and PISSED!!!

Thank GOD for Sunflower!!  She's my nice friend!!!  She was riding with Zippy & Otis, so she didn't fall victim to LMCP's bitchiness....she's lucky!!  I should've rode with them too....they probably wouldn't have left me to starve to death!!  Anyway, Sunflower took me to get some food...adding an extra 30+ minutes onto her trip home (that could've been totally avoided if Jinx hadn't been such a poon).  Thank you!!!

Surprisingly, Chiquita felt FINE the next morning.  I was secretly wishing her a hangover of the ages...but nope, she felt GREAT!!!  However, her memory was a little fuzzy....but apparently mine was too.  I didn't realize we didn't even say goodbye to Skeeter and Clarabelle.  HOW RUDE!!  Chiquita also felt ZERO remorse for her bitchy behavior.  "If Lollipop is allowed 1 night a year to be a bitch, so am I. And it was a success!! In other news, moonshine is not for me...Apparently from what I hear!!" <---her words!!  Granted, she was no where near the same level that Lollipop has been known to reach...those nights usually end with someone bleeding, her being carried out of a bar and puking.  But a simple "I'm sorry" would've been nice...BITCH!!!

Then Lollipop suggests we get some of that yummy peachy poison to take on our girl's trip to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Are you CRAZY!!  Chiquita and I have the tolerance of college age boys...and if it kicked her ass that bad, the outcome of all 4 of us drinking it TOGETHER would probably be JAIL!!!  

So that sums up my Memorial Day weekend.  I hope everyone recognized our armed forces and said a little prayer for the safety of those still fighting to protect our freedoms.  Thank you Sparky...we love you.  

For more funny blogs, click on the Top Mommy Blog button at the top of my page.  Each click counts as a vote for me...and the more votes I get the higher my blog is rated on their page.  So get to clickin...and go like me on Facebook here.

Another Clown Adventure...Happy Birthday Freckles!!

Now for the "good" stuff.  It should come as no surprise that the Circus pulled out all the stops when it came to celebrating one of their own.  It seems this is the year for all of the baby clowns to ripen into their 30's.  Freckles hasn't really made much of a splash until now into the world that is this blog...but splash she did!!

Bare with me because much of the night is a little blurry for me.  I even took notes of the early on funny...but guess the jager raping distracted me at some point.  Anyway, we went out to dinner for sushi first.  The staff knows us pretty well...considering there's usually 10+ in our party.  And no birthday is complete without the sake bomb...yes, Sunflower, you were right about the spelling.  If you look carefully at this picture, you'll see there's a glass of water on the right...yeah, after the sake bombed; there wasn't anymore water in that glass either.  SPLASH!!

After dinner, we moved the show on to Chiquita & Zippy's house.  The drinks were a flowin' and the jokes were headed south QUICKLY!!!  Consider that Tree Frog brought his strawberry moonshine...that I adamantly refused to partake in.  I wasn't so successful in my refusal of my no longer dear friend, Mr. Jagermeister and Skittles' favorite Fireball.  Keep in mind I've steered clear of that dark licorice flavored DEMON since my birthday TWO years ago!!!  Thanks to Chiquita being a bitch and forcing it upon me...she and I both spent the next day cuddled up on the couch watching Grumpy Old Men and running to the bathroom to puke.  As for Fireball, I've only spent time with it once...and that was my birthday this year.  We have no hard feelings...but I'd really do much better to just stick with what I know best, and that's ICE COLD Bud Light Lime.

So the most vivid memories are of all of us camped out on the deck discussing "Fifty Shades of Grey", men included.  Tree Frog said "I know I'm dominant when I hear OUCH", to which Skittles responded "That's because you had it in the wrong hole."  There was LOTS of talk about swingers and how Zippy likes to throw out mixed signals at Walmart, by walking around with a pineapple in the babyseat of his buggy.  For anyone that doesn't know us well, they would've been very confused.  NONE of our friends swing...that we are aware of anyway.


My timeline and actual memories are a little fuzzy, so some of this might have been my imagination.  I believe it was Cuz that said something about the "salmonella" candles being lit under the tables.  And Sarge clarified that they were "citronella" candles.  We were all very impressed with his knowledge of ecol-i and insect repellant.  But it was Cuz that said  "I'm like a rat turd...sharp at both ends."  That was one of the funniest things I think I've ever heard!!

We apparently had an in-depth conversation about swapping body parts.  Like those of us with ample tittays would be happy to loan a portion out to the less fortunate.  And those with a bountiful booty would share with those of us suffering from "noassatall".  This lead to some of the more free spirited (inebriated) clowns to flash some boobage and then Jinx blessed everyone on the deck with a "Full Moon".

Tater & Valentine were there too.  Valentine continues to prove to me that I picked the PERFECT name for her.  She's so sweet...and lovey.  Oh and I hear (because of course I don't remember) she shares my graceful nature.  Clarence & Cricket came by.  I didn't manage to inflict any pain on him this go around.  He and his gimp fingers are always blaming me for something.  Cricket usually just sits back and laughs at all of us.  I'm just glad we haven't scared her away yet.  It was an unexpected surprise when Skeeter and Clarabelle showed up.  Thank you again for my trophy.  Again, it's all a little fuzzy.  I'm sure you both contributed something funny to the night...but yeah I got nothing.  Banjo even graced us with his presence, late as usual.

I'm also told that we were all dancing in the rain.  There is a picture, that I am NOT posting here...that appears to have been taken some time after the alleged rain dance.  I however have ZERO recollection of this pic being taken.  Just to give you an idea.  Chiquita's 3' tongue is almost touching Freckles' cheek, I have a handful of Freckles' boob and I'm holding Lollipop's leg up and Sunflower is smiling ever so innocently with her lollipop in her hand.  

I guess my seat was out of the line of fire for Sleezy.  Unfortunately a couple of my other clown friends weren't so lucky.  Is random groping normal in the non-vanilla (meant in a sexual way, not racial) world?  I'm not sure, but it's UNACCEPTABLE in our Circus.  Guess he didn't get the memo that none of us actually swing...we just talk a lot about it.


At some point all of the mixing of beer, moonshine, jager, fireball, sake, etc...got the best of Freckles.  Poor birthday girl made another SPLASH when she emptied her tummy contents in the back yard.  She just kept saying "I just wanna laugh and I'll feel better".  So Chiquita paged me and Banjo for the job.  I'm assuming we made her laugh...because we're funny, not because I actually retained the memory.


I should probably commiserate with Zippy before I publish this because I'm sure he has a much clearer memory of the nights events.  While he was rehashing all of it for us the next morning, he kept saying "Giggles, you were sitting right there.  You don't remember it?"  And I just sat there blank faced.  Chiquita sent me a text later in the day asking how we ended up in the garage, to which I replied "We were in the garage?"


If I left out anything and you would like to contribute to the funny, please please please do so in a comment.  You can even do it anonymously or under your clown name if you like.  As always, feel free to share my writing brilliance with your friends...and take note that Lollipop has the biggest balls in our Circus.  Follow me on Facebook here.

Family Dysfunction At It's Finest...

Yesterday was my baby brother's 30th birthday.  WOW, my parents must feel old.  For the special occasion the family met for dinner downtown.  We went to this hip Mexican-ish cantina.  I just tried to look up their website and had to share this review by the Foodie Asshole. He nailed it spot on.  The guacamole was great, as was the queso fundido...but my shrimp enchilada left much to be desired.  And the service was rather slow.  Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a restaurant review.

I love my brother!!  He is brilliant.  And he's funny...and he's a dirty 30 year old smartass!!  Boy did his boyfriend luck out with him.  We're sitting at the table.  My mom is having a conversation with Beelay...so they didn't hear Uncle say "So ya think Beelay inherited your boobs?"  Me: "Yep, pretty sure she did.  It sucks!!  Uncle: "Well, I'm impressed!!"  You dirty bastard, order another drink.  In all honesty, he really wasn't being creepy about it.  It's been a little while since he's seen her...and I must admit she's VERY well endowed.  If there was anything I wished I couldn't pass on to my children, it would be "the girls".

Then after we've finally gotten our appetizers...and then our meals shortly after, he reminds me of a story from when Beelay was maybe 3 years old.  We were at Gramma's house, either for Christmas or Thanksgiving.  Gramma always said the prayer...and she ALWAYS cried when she said it!!  Well, my demented siblings NEVER bow their heads for the prayer.  They make inappropriate faces and gestures at each other, while nobody's looking and try to make each other laugh.  Well, this particular time...Beelay didn't bow her head either.  "Uncle, what was that thing you did to Auntie? With the peace sign up to your mouth like this?" And precedes to wiggle her tongue between her fingers.  No wonder she's a dirty minded little snot (I'll share a couple more examples at the end).  Her Uncle and Auntie corrupted her at an early age!!!  I had forgotten all about that one, til he reminded me last night.

Then while we're singing Happy Birthday, he and Beelay become the restaurant's live entertainment.  Uncle can DANCE!!!  Beelay, well she tries.  They were walking like Egyptians among other things.  While I'm trying to keep a sleepy & grumpy SLou from getting in trouble by snapping at my dad...who happens to be watching the dance off from the other end of the table.  He was smiling, but I know what he was thinking...and it wasn't that it was entertaining.

As we're closing out and waiting for our checks, we're pretty sure all of the wait staff must've done a line of coke in the kitchen.  First one guy drops a full plate of food right at the end of our table...lettuce, rice, beans, shards of plate all go flying all over Pip's (my brother's significant other) legs.  Everyone is rushing to clean it up and to make sure that Pip isn't hurt...and then I kid you not, less than 5 min. later a waitress trips and drops 2 glasses of red wine right behind us!!!  Seriously?!?! 

We're in downtown Atlanta at the corner of Peachtree and 5th Street.  Walking past the patio full of people enjoying their dinner, my TOASTED brother is skipping down the street and back with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth and another in his hand...and skips up to me and pokes me in the boob with the sucker stick!!!  And giggles and laughs and says "I poked your boobie!!  It didn't pop!!" NEVER a dull moment!!!  I just thought I wanted him to spend more time with his nieces...there's no telling what kind of material they'd come back with. 

Now for some examples of Beelay's train of thought:

She went to the beach with a friend over spring break.  While fishing at the pier with her friend and her friend's brother...they looked down and saw a bunch of jellyfish.  Beelay then asked "Where are their testicles?" Brother gives her an awkward uncomfortable look...and friend says "Beelay, their tentacles!!


While running across the soccer field barefoot after SLou's game last week, she all but yells "Ouch, this grass is horny...I mean thorny!!  I swear that just slipped out."

I must've been smoking crack...

When I agreed to this party, I must've been smoking crack.  Beelay wanted to throw her BFF a surprise party.  I should've said NO!!!  Don't get me wrong...I love her BFF.  She's like my 3rd child.  But some how what was originally supposed to be 12 kids...is now 16!!!

I'm chaperoning 16 7th graders...but it feels like I'm babysitting a bunch of 3 year olds.  I'm now sitting at the computer trying to tune them out while I blog and chug a glass of wine.  Thank GOD the BFF's mom was thoughtful enough to bring me a bottle of wine.  She apparently knew I'd lost my mind before I did.

How many times did I have to tell them not to throw food in the pool?  How about not to climb on the railing of the deck that is 2 stories up?  Or not to run around the pool?  Or not belly bump in the den right next to the glass coffee table?  OMG!!!  CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!!!!

Of course the apple doesn't fall far from the tree around here.  Beelay has already fallen down and drawn blood.  She managed to break the lid for the skimmer and slice her foot open and scraped several layers of skin off her knees.  One day she's going to learn to jump up and laugh it off.  Tonight she laid on the side of the pool and cried for her mommy...while laughing so hard she could've peed.

Now I'm being accused of being the meanest mom ever and nobody's ever gonna want to come back to our house AGAIN!!!  Huh?  Ok, that's fine by me.  Are they ready to go home now?  I'll be happy to give them all a ride home.  Oh wait, I'm glass #2 as we speak...probably not a good idea.  I'll call them each a cab...how about that?

Some of them are now running around with balloons in their shirts...pretending to be pregnant.  Of course we've all done this...and it would be HILARIOUS if they weren't screaming at a volume that could break glass!!!  They've asked if they can go play manhunt...my initial answer is "YES!!!  GO!!!" But then I thought of my poor unassuming neighbors.  They probably think there's some cat burglar in their backyards and then one of these devils might end up getting shot.  That definitely wouldn't be good.  Oh well, guess that's a risk I'm going to have to take...since they all just went out the front door and I'm not getting up to herd them all back inside.  I'm gonna sit here and pour another glass.  Ahhhh...SILENCE, well except the occassional scream that I can hear from outside. 

What the HELL was I thinking????  Guess I'll just sit here and drink...

And next time we will set a much smaller limit to the number of invites handed out....probably to the ones that I haven't had to get on to and scold like toddlers.  CHEERS!!!

UPDATE: Just to give you an idea of how much she's like me...this first pic is of my knee from a few weeks ago that I posted on my Facebook.  The second pic is of her knees that she posted on her Instagram on Saturday.

Get Out of Jail Free Night!!

I love my friends.  There is NEVER a dull moment...for us or anyone else that might be lucky enough to be in the same place as us.  This weekend was no exception!!  Saturday night was a "get out of jail free" night.  One of our favorite local bands, The Ruckus http://www.theruckuslive.com/  was playing close to home and we took full advantage.  Chiquita and I are OCD planners...so knowing that the venue was small and tables were gonna fill up quick, we decided to get there EARLY!!  Like almost 3 hours EARLY...and shockingly our friend Lollipop beat us there.  That NEVER happens!!

Turns out we got there just in the nick of time!!  We got the last open seats at the bar.  Anyway, you can imagine what happens when a group of clowns get to the bar 3 hours EARLY!!  It was a night filled with laughing til we peed, dancing til we spilled our drinks on each other and drank til we were cut off.  (Not really cut off...but it sounded good).

Here are a few little snippets of our night:
Zippy got there a little late.  He came straight from work and was ordered to get nekkid in the parking lot...PRONTO!!  To change into his night out attire...of course.  At this point, we've already eaten and are working hard towards our liquid courage and beer goggles.  But Zippy is HUNGRY!!  What does he order? Buffalo WIENERS!!!  And they were LITTLE WIENERS too!!  So what if they were really called Buffalo Wingers...WIENERS was so much funnier for our dirty twisted humor.

Our friend Jinx, had an unfortunate accident that left him without his front teeth.  However he has just recently gotten them back.  And the past several months leading up to this event, Lollipop has been promising him that as soon as he gets his grill fixed...she'll give him some sugar.  Saturday night when Jinx got to the bar, right there in front of Sweet Baby Jesus and everybody to see; Lollipop strolled right up to him and planted one right on his mouth.  It caught all of us off guard.  I almost spit my beer all over Sunflower, who was sitting in front of me...who happened to have spilled her beer all over herself when she ducked to make sure Chiquita and I could see the show.  Thank goodness Zippy was still there eating his WIENERS, otherwise he'd have missed it!!  Cause Zippy is an old man, he gets tired very easily...so he left before the fun really happened.  He had to hurry home to soak in the tub before he went to bed.

I guess Jinx was in a celebrating kind of mood.  He NEVER drinks!!  But this time when offered a Jager shot, he said YES!!  And was then forced to take 2 more and drink a beer.  He was our entertainment for the night...and anyone else that was paying attention.  He went on to motorboat Sunflower.  He had some crazy fascination with buttholes too...but we won't really get into that right now.  At one point I had him on my left and Twinkle Toes on my right...both of them getting their groove on by rubbing their butts on Giggles (me).  As much as I love the attention of two grown men gettin low and rubbing their butts on me...I'm not very well balanced.  So I decided to sit down on the bar stool behind me, just in time for Jinx and Twinkle Toes to move in and rub their butts on each other.  It was PRICELESS!!! 

Then you've got Gumdrop who's droppin it like it's hot and doing his signature nipple rub dance.  He shook it into next week!!  Then FINALLY Banjo showed up!!  He first of course had to make a trip up to "The Mountains" to see some titties...big fat titties!!  <---his words!! I tried to explain to him that was a really long way to go when Chiquita was sitting right next to me.  Either way, he was fashionably LATE!!  So we were all probably WAY ahead of him in the obnoxious meter...but he fit in well!!  His milkshake brings all the girls to the yard!! 


Because we're all starting to show our age a little bit, we were ready to leave by 12:30ish.  Thank goodness Chiquita didn't over indulge her thirst for ice COLD Bud Light!!  She was fine to drive us home in the horrible FOG!!  All the while I'm waiting for Bambi to jump out in front of us...but giggling all the way.  Mainly because Sunflower is texting me about how much SPINNING SUCKS!!  And how she can't sleep because she's still SPINNING!!  And we were debating on whether Jinx would be getting some celebratory strange or not.  In the end he was predictable as usual!!  


All in all, it was a great night out!!  Chiquita and I felt fine the next morning.  Sunflower, not so much.  Don't you wish you'd had a "get out of jail free" night too?