Life With Girls....

I've recently been called out for not blogging anymore.  In my heart, I feel it's mainly been because I now have 2 teenage daughters that I have feared would kill me in my sleep if I blogged about them and it didn't shine the most positive light on them.  

Weeeehhhellll, one of them has all but dared me to blog.  She claims that I'm just an old fart with nothing to say.  Of course she's not the one that I'm really worried about killing me in my sleep, but let's see if I've still got it.  Where should I start?  

If you look at my personal Facebook, you'll see I've had plenty to say about politics, but I've had about enough of politics for now.  My life is pretty boring.  I've married the most anti-social man on earth.  So that really only leaves my girls.  

Of course, Beelay, being 18 now; is NEVER home!!  But when she is, we're usually in the middle of binge watching something on Netflix.  We'll pause it when she walks in.  We'll talk for a while, then she'll either disappear up to her room or....

She'll sit down on the couch and play on her phone, until we hit play and it starts getting good.  Then she'll "accidentally" start watching a video with the volume up to 10!!  "Oops, sorry.  I didn't realize it was gonna be that loud.  Then she'll start watching with us.  Get into it.  And ask questions every 15 seconds to figure out what's going on....and then get mad when she gets home the next day and we've watched another episode without her.  

Oops, sorry.  We forgot we were supposed to sit here and wait for you to get home to watch...ANYTHING!!

I know this is tame...but I'm just dipping my toe in the water, to see if she REALLY wants me to blog about her.  Her sister, being home a lot more, gives me much more material to work from, but she's also the one I fear will smother me in my sleep.

Raising Teenage Girl Probs....

Ok, ok, ok....I know I've been a terribly shitty blogger lately.  My only excuse is that I haven't had time.  Bite me.  But I would like to thank those of you that have been pushing, prodding and nagging me to get my act together and come up with some new material.  So without further adieu...

My 14 year old daughter actually asked me the other day when she could get on birth control.  That's right...14!!!  Not for the actual birth control part though.  She's having some really rough cycles.  I hate it for her, I REALLY DO!!  I remember how bad it could be...and really how bad it still can be for me if I weren't on birth control myself.  I try to be sympathetic, but you're not missing a week of school because Aunt Flow is in town.  So I have been suckered into letting her miss first PERIOD (pun intended) a time or two, but when you grow up; you gotta learn to push through it.

I'm sure you all want to know my answer, right?  Well, I actually said "we'll talk about it when you're 30." And prayed she would get the hell out of my room....which of course she didn't.  She wanted to talk about when I got on the pill and when I had sex for the first time, GASP!!!!  Apparently one night when I had one too many glasses of wine or had already taken my sleeping pill and my judgement was WAY off, I admitted to her how old I was when I lost my virginity.  I hope I also shared with her some great words of wisdom and successfully talked her into being a virgin until she's at least 25.  But honestly I don't remember telling her anything.  DAMMIT!!!

After she dropped all of that in my lap and I swallowed my shock and embarrassment, I explained to her that the reason I didn't want her on the pill (even if it is to regulate her period, cramps, hormones, etc.), because I felt like it would encourage her to make bad choices.  That I felt like when my mom put me on the pill, she was giving me permission to have sex.  Even though I know without a doubt that wasn't the case.  

I believe I ended the conversation with "Go take some ibuprofen.  Plug in the heating pad and we'll talk about this in a couple of years."  So just when I thought this whole subject had been dealt with, they pass this INSANITY that will allow a 15 year old to buy the "morning after" pill.  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME????  

I don't want my girls to even know there's a "Plan B" out there.  Trust me when I say, I'm not naive.  I know that the chances of both of them waiting until they're married are minuscule, but a mom can hope and pray; can't she?  

I do feel pretty confident that at least my older daughter and I have a very open relationship.  She is often times, too comfortable talking to me about certain things.  I'm not complaining.  I hope that when the time comes for her to take a relationship to "that" level, she'll make responsible decisions.  That she'll ALWAYS use protection, even if she is on the pill.  See, I'm not in total denial.  Eventually I'll give in and let her get on BC, but NOT at 14 or 15...or maybe even 16.  I'll just cross that bridge when we get to it.  

Bottom line, I don't think "Plan B" should be an option.  I'm afraid that CHILDREN won't understand that a condom is still important because no pill prevents STDs.  I'm still a firm supporter of preaching abstinence!!

I know this wasn't the funny post ya'll were hoping for, but it's what was on my mind when I finally found the time to write.  I'll try to be more entertaining next time.  Until then, follow me on Facebook.  Peace!!        

Got Gas?

I'm a gassy person by nature, as are my children.  I've failed miserably at teaching them the necessary tools required in either holding it in or simply easing it out.  When they were little, it was absolutely hilarious for them to blow it out.  But now that they're 14 and 11, it's a wee bit embarrassing...for me anyway.  They still think it's hysterical. Plus, my dad really doesn't find bathroom humor nearly as funny as he did when I was a kid.

Probably ten years ago; while on a family vacation, my brother and I were sharing a bedroom.  One morning I woke up and he wasn't in the other bed.  I found him on the couch, trying to smother himself with blankets and pillows...to block out the sun.  I asked "What the hell are you doing out here?"  To which he answered "I couldn't sleep because all you did all night was fart and giggle in your sleep!!"  "I call bullshit!!  You must've been dreaming."

Of course, I come home and tell my friends this story....and what do ya know?  Turns out he wasn't dreaming.  Apparently I poot and giggle in my sleep all the damn time and nobody thought it necessary to tell me about it.  I guess they were all just laughing at me behind my...back? 

All of this being said; Dumpling and I have now been together over 4 months.  My embarrassingly inappropriate children NEVER had any concept of whether it was normal to launch fart rockets in front of or in the general direction of mama's new boyfriend.  Thank GOD he has a great sense of humor and not a weak stomach.  This all leads me to the timeless question of:

When is it ok to just let ‘er rip?

There have been others to blog about this ageless conundrum.  Like Samantha over at "Bitches Gotta Eat"....she wanted to know When can you fart in a new person's bed? Warning, she will make you cry from laughter.  There have even been videos on youtube about "Breaking the barrier".  Watch it now:

Well, nothing takes this decision out of your hands like a ferocious stomach bug...in a house with only one working toilet.  That's right folks, he must REALLY love me...of course he could've been a real gentleman and acted like he didn't hear a peep, but in his words "Where's the fun in that?"

So needless to say, I guess we've broken the barrier.  I'd still rather not poop when he's in the house, but when ya gotta go...ya gotta go.  And if you're one of those girls who wants to pretend you don't poop or toot...live on in your misery!!  If you're one of those girls that really doesn't poop or toot, you should probably see a doctor.

PS: Dumpling, I'll be so happy when we have 2 working potties in the house.  And when I disappear upstairs with my Kindle in hand, just pretend you didn't notice.  Mmmkay?

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