What I'd Really Like To Say....

Families would be so much less dysfunctional if everyone could just be honest and say how they really feel and be heard without defenses going up and blame being thrown around like a hot potato.  Hearing the truth sometimes hurts, but if your family can't tell you the truth; who can? Part of growing up is admitting when you're wrong, learning how to compromise and sometimes just agree to disagree.  If you're one of those people who thinks they're never wrong, you must live in a very lonely world.

I've been dealing with some family drama for going on 6 weeks.  I've tried to stay out of it, but still let my feelings about it be known.  For years, I felt like I was the only person that would stand up to this particular family member and now that someone else has, I'm backing them up from a distance....if that makes sense.  But now I feel like "no good deed goes unpunished".  

So here are some random things that I'd really like to say to random family members....

1. No matter how old we are, our parents are still our parents and deserve to be respected and appreciated.
2. I'm a mom too...and really Mother's Day is just another day to me.
3. Your birthday is not a national holiday.
4. Don't talk on your phone at the dinner table.  Excuse yourself or offer to return the call later.
5. Just because someone offers, doesn't mean you should necessarily accept.
6. Usually, if you ignore something it usually doesn't go away....it just gets bigger and bigger.
7. NOBODY is perfect!!
8. Jealousy only makes bad situations worse. 
9. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, because they're the right thing to do.



This post is probably gonna hurt some feelings, but it was the only way I felt I could vent the things that were stewing inside me.  I love my family...my parents, my siblings, my kids and my extended family.  Most everything above has been said to the face of the person it's intended, but not necessarily heard or accepted.  Don't take your family for granted.  You never know what tomorrow holds.

Whew...now that I got all of that off my chest, I feel soooooo much better.

Adjusting To Change...

I know, I know...I've been neglecting my blog lately.  I've had so much going on with every aspect of my life.  I just haven't had a chance to put pen to paper, so to speak.  I have so many things I want to write about, yet can't seem to formulate any of them into words these days.

My biggest stresser right now, is my girls!!!  I'm guessing it's the adjusting to me having a boyfriend.  Every time he's around they both seem to forget how to behave.  Before he came over for dinner last night, we had a talk about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.  The day before, my sister had a talk with them too.  I know, any of you that know my sister...know that was a kettle vs. pot conversation.  But she tried.

Slou has already started the "you're choosing him over me" shenanigans.  If you know me AT ALL, you know that's a load of crap.  I know she's just vying for my attention.  I know it's going to take time for her to get used to me having someone besides her and her sister in my life, but he's not going anywhere.

Beelay on the other hand thinks she's just being funny, but what she's really being is disrespectful and pushing my patience to a breaking point.  She was so wound up last night that the only way I was able to get her to the stairs was by leading her by her hair.  Mind you, I was not dragging or yanking her by the hair.  I simply had a handful of her chestnut locks in my hand as if it were her hand in mine and walked her to the bottom of the stairs and quietly threatened to beat her if she didn't go get in the bed.  This was after she'd been allowed to hang out with us for an hour or so.

I've tried explaining to them that I'd love to be able to take them with us to do things, like bowling or the movies or corn maze, etc.  But if they can't behave at home, why on earth would I take them out in public?  I've explained that I'd like to be able to invite him over to the house during the week, so that they don't feel like I'm choosing him over them by going out with him or over to his house instead, but after last night....I'm most definitely going out to his house tonight.  And I'm going to enjoy every second of the peace and quiet...and maybe next week they'll act like 11 & almost 14 year olds, rather than 2 & 5 year olds.
Our time together is limited enough without my kids trying to sabotage it with their antics.  The problem is the stunts they pull are funny....and I being the questionable adult in the situation, find it VERY hard not to laugh when the dog comes hauling ass downstairs wearing one of Squirt's diapers.  This is new to all of us, but I'm certain we'll find a happy medium and in the end everyone will be happy...it just may be a bumpy road to get there.

I know I've been slacking, but please click the banner below.  Your click acts as a vote for me on topmommyblogs.com.  Also follow me on GFC, Facebook, or Twitter.  Hopefully it won't be another week before you hear from me.

Hypocrites?

So if you've been paying attention, you know I grew up in a "Christian" home.  You also know how well that worked out.  If you're new here, long story short....we basically ate, slept & breathed church until my parents got divorced and then we were shunned by all the judgmental, hypocritical Christians.  I'm not bitter, really I'm not.

Apparently the whole Sunday school lesson about not being a hypocrite didn't make as big of an impression on most everyone else.  Please allow me to remind you of the definition:

Definition of HYPOCRITE

1: a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2: a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings 

I'm grateful for the time that my family spent going to church.  I really do think that, despite my experience, it taught me to be a better person.  I believe in God and I don't believe I have to go to church 3 days a week to get into heaven.  I may cuss like a sailor, over indulge in drink from time to time and pass a little judgment here and there....but what I don't do is preach to everyone about my beliefs.  I don't quote scripture on my Facebook status.  My about me section isn't filled with how much I love Jesus or how thankful I am for God's love.  I am a Christian and I pray and I try my best to make good choices.  I do feel like I've failed my kids by letting my experience hinder me in helping them build a relationship with Christ.

I should probably back up and explain what got me fired up about this in the first place.  You know that nifty little section on your Facebook page titled "People You Might Know"?  Well last week a certain person popped up.  Someone that I try not to let affect me.  Someone that has contributed to the hurt & disappointment that my kids have felt.  So of course my curiosity got the best of me.  I'm nosy by nature...sue me.   Of course I snooped around and when I read their "About Me" section....I wanted to throw up, scream & punch someone in the face.  Does broadcasting how much you love God help  you sleep at night, after you've had the words of the devil projectile out of your mouth and onto my children?  

I've always tried to be the most genuine person I can possibly be.  I'm constantly coaching myself to take the high road.  I know that part of being a Christian is being able to forgive someone even if they're not sorry and not letting them affect your life.  It's REALLY hard with this one.  Not only has this person inflicted their venom on my children, but they're continued lack of gainful employment affects our lively hood.  I don't name names and I try hard to keep this category of my life out of this blog.  But DAMMIT...I'm tired of being the better person.  I'm tired of being the one that gets up and goes to work every day so my kids don't grow up on welfare and can have the things that they deserve.  It kills me knowing that this person blows money they didn't earn on extras that I do without.

Of course the right thing for me to do is pray for them.  I'm sorry my prayer list is full of prayers for children dying of cancer, children being kidnapped and forced into a life of sex trafficking and for my own kids to grow up to be NOTHING like the people that have hurt them most.  Now that I've gotten that off my chest....deep breath.

I think I must really need a weekend with my friends to lighten me up.  These non-funny posts are getting old.  You know the drill.  Facebook, Twitter and the banner below are begging to be clicked on....just do it!!!  Happy Monday!!!

Child Support Is NOT Voluntary!!!

Let me begin with this....

I'm proud to say that the men in my life that I call friends, that are dads and pay child support are all the prime example of what a dad should do.  They pay what they're ordered to, when they're ordered to.  They spend as much time as humanly possible with their kids.  They put their children at the top of their priority list.  And for all of those things...I wish they were my kids dad.

Before this goes down hill quickly and turns into an ex-dumb dumb bashing frenzy, let me give you a quick history of my situation.  I've been divorced for 8 1/2 years.  Since then, my girls and I have lived with my dad.  However, I do not live there for free.  I pay my own way as well as for everything for my children. 

What their dad is court ordered to pay for 2 children is considerably less than what all of my male friends are ordered to pay for 1 child.  It's miniscule compared to what it actually costs to provide for them.  Over the course of the past 8 1/2 years, I've tried child support recovery, I've taken him back to court, I've tried to work with him...but I've NEVER been able to rely on receiving any amount of support with any kind of regularity or stability. At this present moment, he owes me over $45,000.  This does include $15,000 from the equity in our house...which he finds debatable.


Last week I did some calculations.  Just for this year so far (Jan-Jun), he's averaging $150 a month...which is what he's supposed to be paying a week. I'm averaging more than that just for school lunches and medical costs (not including the actual premium).  When I brought this to his attention, his response was "Well, I had to put a starter in my truck."  Really?!?! Should I bring up the fact that I've forked out more than $1500 in the past couple of months for car repairs and maintenance?  That's LIFE!!!


Anyway, my point is this: You don't get to pick and choose when and how much you pay.  The judge decided that a long time ago.  If you're currently not making enough to pay for your responsibilities, get a second job or a third!!!  I'm busy raising our children on my own.  If I didn't have them 98% of the time, I'd be out looking for a part time job...but then if I wasn't paying for 98% of their expenses, I'd be doing okay financially.


There are so many dad's out there that don't understand that by paying child support, they are NOT putting EXTRA money in their ex's pockets.  They are helping to provide a life for their kids.  Considering how much I'm covering, it's none of his damn business what I spend my money on...or if I'm going on vacation or whatever.  Just because I'm able to take my kids to the beach (only because of my mom) doesn't excuse him from paying that week.


I've heard of horror stories from both sides of this.  Because I've been sympathetic and lenient, I get screwed over.  If I was the cold hearted bitch that I've been accused of being...he'd be sitting in a jail cell.  I'm just tired of being made to feel like a bill collector and like I should be so incredibly thankful for the little bit that I do get.  You're not doing me a favor by giving me money!!!  


Okay, I think I'm done venting.  I hope I've made my point...and not made myself look like a gold digger.  I'll be back to my good ol' funny self in no time.  Please take a minute to click the banner below to cast your vote for me...even if it's just a pity vote, I'm cool with that.  Also, you can follow me on Facebook by clicking here.

I Swore I'd Never Be That Girl...

Ok, so I just read a post on Motherhood Truth. This is my response to her question: How would you feel if you were picking up or dropping off your kid at school and there was someone smoking, right there in plain sight??? 

I started smoking when I was 15.  I'd sneak out my bedroom window and smoke on the roof and then RUN in and hop in the shower...certain that my mom didn't have a clue.  Turns out 15 year old's in fact do NOT know it ALL!!  When I got busted, she pleaded with me..."I loved you enough to quit smoking when I got pregnant with you, love yourself enough to quit now." Blah blah blah...my response was "I'll quit when I get pregnant."  She promptly cut me off!!  I mean she made sure I was fed, clothed and didn't go without...but the only money she gave me was enough for lunch money and that was it.  No way was she going to give me an allowance that I in turn would spend on cancer sticks.

So...who knew those words would come back to bite me in the ASS?!?!  I got knocked up at the ripe old age of 20!!  I quit cold turkey...but of course my husband didn't and after I popped that 8 pounder out, I quickly started puffing away again.  I didn't smoke in the car with my baby...but he did.  I didn't smoke in the house...but he did.  Because we were idiots and didn't figure out how it happened the first time...I got knocked up again (kidding...she was planned).  But this time the quitting cold turkey was sooooo much harder.  I probably averaged 3 sticks a day.


I LOVED smoking!!  Especially after my divorce.  It was my solace...my escape from reality for a brief 10 minutes at a time.  I could go sit on the back porch (the one who's roof I used to sneak on to) and have a few desperately needed minutes of SILENCE!!!  My girls knew not to bother me when I was out there...they'd patiently wait just inside the door for me.  


As they got older and started school, I was embarrassed that I smoked.  I didn't want any of the other parents to know I smoked.  If they had a friend over, I'd either wait til they left or I'd go hide somewhere and sneak a few puffs.  Then they got to the point where they were embarrassed too.  Beelay didn't even want me to smoke in my car after I dropped them off at school or on my way home from work because one of her friends might see me.


I wanted to quit.  I knew I didn't want to continue setting this horrible example for my kids.  I knew I couldn't afford the rising prices.  BUT dammit...I LOVED it!!!  Finally, on Jan. 1, 2010...I did it!!!  I quit!!  I swore I'd never be that girl though.  The judgmental former smoker that thought "If I can do it, so can you."  The one in the group that would say "I really don't wanna go there because it's so smoky."  Guess what?  I became that girl...usually silently, but all of those thoughts were there (they still are).


I was always respectful of non-smokers.  So when I ran to the bagel shop the other day to pick up lunch and these two guys were standing right at the door, shooting the shit and puffing away...it PISSED ME OFF!!  It wasn't raining, it wasn't cold...it was a beautiful day!!!  Why not walk away from the door...so everyone walking in or out or who was sitting right inside the door, didn't have to inhale your pollution?  


So when I read Motherhood Truth's post...I had to answer!!!  Besides it being prohibited, I think it's disrespectful, irresponsible, ignorant and foolish for parents to even think about smoking in the carpool line...or in the parking lot or on the playground or soccer field.  WAKE UP!!!  It's 2012!!  I don't think smoking should be banned.  I don't think that smokers should be butt raped by taxes.  If they want to smoke...have at it!!  Hell, smoke one for me...but seriously people, don't force it on those that have chosen to take their health seriously!!!

Cry, Scream or Laugh...that is the question.

My week has been far from what I had planned it to be.  That NASTY stomach bug reared it's ugly head in my house again...this time attacking Beelay and ME!!!  Luckily her's past in 24 hours or less...mine wore out it's welcome 48 hours ago, but is still lingering.  GO AWAY!!! 

I only managed to work one day this week...after only working two last week because of spring break.  This is NOT how I envisioned using my personal days.  I'll spare you the gory details...unless of course you're lucky enough to be one of my nearest and dearest, that's already been blessed with horrifying mental pictures.  Now here we are and it's Friday.  Maybe I'm emotional because I haven't felt good since Tuesday or maybe it's because I'm a fierce mama bear or maybe it's just because my feelings are justified...but here it goes. 

My sweet little SLou has had her heart set on going to her daddy's this weekend.  I don't know if it's because she's worried about him and his broken leg (in 2 places) or if she wants to sign his cast or if she wants to see the kittens that their still un-spayed (Add a houseful of pets to the list of things you shouldn't have if you're BROKE...and spay & neuter the ones you do have) cat had.  Her reasoning doesn't matter.  She had her heart set on it and shouldn't once again be let down because instead of having enough gas to come to her soccer games, you have a pack of cigarettes and a case of beer. 

I tried calling him to discuss this and didn't get an answer.  So I sent a text w/ this weekend's game schedule and a plea for him not to ruin his relationship with her like he has with Beelay.  I haven't gotten a response, but what I did get was a butt dial.  I could hear him and his friends goofing off and talking (about fishing...I think. It was all a little muffled.)  They definitely weren't talking about working or kids or other things that responsible adults discuss.  These friends used to be like uncles to my children.  One of them was even at the hospital when they were born.  I'm sure that if driving or even gas is an issue, they'd all be happy to drive him to one of their games....if that were a priority to him.  But I guess it's out of sight out of mind.

I want to cry, scream and laugh.  I want to cry for SLou and how I know her heart aches for her daddy to want to be a constant part of her life...and for Beelay, who has outgrown her little girl fantasy of her daddy being the prince she thought he was.  I want to scream because of his ignorance and inablility to see what he's doing to my girls and I want to laugh at the fact that he's an effing DUMBASS that has butt dialed me 3 times this week.  That felt more like a slap in the face than actually being slapped.  YOU ARE AN IDIOT and don't deserve the adoration that my baby still has for you!!!  But because I am her mom and I love her with every ounce of my being...I will still fight for her!!  I will continue to try to convince you to put her first and I will try to help you be a better daddy...until she too has had enough of the heartache and disappointment, like her sister.

There have been many days where I've wished he would just walk away and never look back.  At least if he were gone, there wouldn't be constant broken promises and never ending heartache.  Which is the lesser of the two evils?  Total abandonment or the roller coaster of hope and shattered dreams? 

It's not even about the money anymore.  I've managed to give them the life they have without ever being able to depend on him.  (I'm not saying that I don't need every penny he scrapes up to pay me).  This is about their hearts, their souls and their emotional needs (and now scars).  This is about them knowing they're worth so much more than their daddy shows them.  This is about them knowing they can depend on a man...the only man they should ALWAYS be able to depend on...so they don't grow up and fall for a man that treats them EXACTLY like this!! 

Maybe you know him...maybe you don't.  Maybe you're related to him or grew up with him.  Everything I've said in this post, I've said to his face.  Maybe if he'd answered the phone when I called, this post would've never happened.  If I thought it would change anything, I'd say "If you know him, talk to him.  Shake some sense into him.  Hell, let him read this."  But I don't think it would do a damn bit of good...he's too damn stubborn to open his eyes and see what he's missing. 

STOP THE PRESSES!!!  He just called me back and tried to tell me he couldn't meet me til after 8pm tonight.  I asked "Why, because you're going fishing?"  He of course denied it until I called him out about the butt dial...then stuttered through it and told me he'd figure something out.  Now I literally am crying, screaming and laughing.  Grrrr!!!!

A Vent - Not of the diplomatic sort...

So I already had a bit of an idea of what I wanted to vent about on my next blog...especially after some of the BS that went on yesterday.  Then I heard this on The Bert Show on my way to work this morning.  I have never so badly wanted to call into a radio station in my life.  I wanted to tell this mom to be thankful.  If you're only concern is that she goes out for a few drinks every now and then, be grateful.  You have no idea just how bad it could be.  As a single mom with sole custody, I think I can relate to her situation.  

I must warn you now.  If you're part of my previous family or a friend of my ex, this post is a direct vent towards him.  I've always tried to be diplomatic in my public posts relating to him and the stupid shit he does, but this post is not in the slightest bit sugar coated.  Read at your own risk of being offended or at least having your eyes opened about his true character.  In all reality, I doubt any of it will really come as a shock to any of you.  He's a funny guy.  People like him...hell, I even loved him!!  But he is not a good dad nor is a responsible adult.  That being said, happy reading.

One of the hardest things for me to learn when I got divorced was that I had ZERO control over who he brought around my children when they were with him.  Maybe if I had that money tree that endlessly bloomed legal fees, I could've done something about it legally.  I have been known to cut off visitation from time to time when things were at their worst...and then my children grew to the age where I let them decide on their own.  They both know what could and has happened while they've been at their dad's.  Beelay has chosen not to go to his house since last June.  SLou still goes, but typically only for one night at a time...because she worries about her daddy and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by not coming to see him.


Let me give you the most recent example of the jealous and distrust that goes on at that house.  Yesterday SLou got a call from her daddy wanting to confirm for his Lady Lunatic that she had in fact forgotten a pair of earrings in the cup holder of his truck.  Seriously? They were little dangly hearts...obviously little girl earrings!!  She hangs up the phone and says "I bet you $5 Lady Lunatic is accusing him of cheating on her and that my earrings are his other girlfriend's." "Yep, I bet you're right.".  Again I say, SERIOUSLY?!?!  A 10 year shouldn't even have those scenarios in her realm of understanding.


Rewind back to the first time I cut off visitation...roughly 7 years ago.  I get a call from Ex Dumb Dumb saying "I need you to come get the girls.  I don't have enough gas to bring them to you and I think the cops are looking for me." Set all the logical responses aside, my first and foremost concern is the safety of my children...so of course I go get them!!  I pull up at his friends house and Ex Dumb Dumb walks out and has blood running down the back of his head.  Lady Lunatic had hit him in the head with a pair of pliers.  I cut him off for close to 8 weeks (I think).  And only gave in because the girls both missed their daddy and his mom begged me to give him another chance.  And so the cycle has gone for the past 7 years.


There have been towel bars ripped off walls and used as weapons.  There have been times when my kids have ended up in hotel rooms or his parents house in the middle of the night.  There have been weeks of not knowing if their daddy was dead or alive.  There have been jail stints that I was forced to lie to my kids about.  There was even the time that he and my girls were left at the beach 6 hours away, for his dad to come pick them up...because a "situation" resulted in Lady Lunatic and her family being asked to leave and my kids refusing to get in the car with them (for good reasons).  That would be the needle that broke Beelay from giving him anymore chances.  I haven't forced her to go to his house or even to spend any time with him other than at Christmas, when I made her go to his parents house...with the promise that if it got too uncomfortable for her, I'd come get her right away.  I've encouraged her to spend time with him.  I've even given him some advice on how to go about trying to mend things, but they've all been ignored.


I can't even pin point the worst part of this whole situation.  There have been so many promises made and broken.  When they've been promised this is the last time and it's never gonna happen again and he's NEVER going back to her again...20 times (no exaggeration), they've learned that it's only a matter of time.  Last time they stayed broken up for maybe 2 weeks.  He was a good dad for those 2 weeks.  He called multiple times a day.  He showed up for their swim meets.  He came and took them to ride their bikes...and watched them swim.  He was actually a dad for those 2 weeks...and then he disappeared.  He quit calling. He quit showing up for their swim meets.  It only took a couple of days for SLou to see the writing on the wall.  She was so hurt and disappointed, but by the time she heard from him again...she missed him so much, she was just happy to hear from him.  A child's love and forgiveness is so innocent, but constant hurt and heartache will ruin them.  They are both going to have so many "daddy" issues in their adult lives.  SLou gets so defensive of him still.  She knows he's a dumb dumb, but he's her dumb dumb daddy.


Here's an example.  He owes me over $40k.  I'm lucky if I get $200 a month for our 2 kids.  I provide EVERYTHING for them from health insurance, to clothes, to school supplies, to sports, etc....EVERYTHING!!!  He's done nothing to improve his life.  He's done nothing to try to make more money to help provide for his children, yet Lady Lunatic doesn't work (granted she's sick and on some sort of disability, I think).  Don't get me wrong, they're not living a charmed life by any means.  But when I hear that he has a broken leg from falling out of his boat, sympathy is NOT my first emotion.  My first thought is "GREAT!!  Now he has one more excuse for why he isn't working and why he doesn't have any money."  My second thought is "if you're broke and can't pay your child support, what the HELL are you doing fishing...on a boat?"  I don't care if the boat was given to you.  I don't care if someone else paid for the gas and bait.  On that same note, if you're broke...you shouldn't have a 4-wheeler.  The fact that you traded a truck for it is beside the point.  SELL ALL OF IT!!!  You have children that you're not helping to support!!  In my opinion, if you're behind on your child support; you shouldn't have cable tv, or a bag of pot, beer in your fridge or ANYTHING beyond the basic necessities of life...food, shelter, power, running water and a safe reliable vehicle to transport your children in and to get back and forth from WORK in.


I'm sure to some, I sound like a bitter ex-wife.  I'm not.  I walked away from that train wreck on my own two feet.  I've come to terms with the fact that he's never going to change.  I've wished nothing but happiness and great things for him.  All I can do is try my best to raise my kids to overcome the shitty hand they were dealt when it comes to their dad...and hope that one day he sees the error of his ways and apologizes to them and that it won't be too late for them to have some sort of decent father/daughter relationship when they're grown.  

Want Kids?

Before anyone decides to have children there are a lot of things they need to consider.  I'm going to discuss what I think you should know (or what I wish I'd known) before you get knocked up or before you knock someone up...and things you need to do in order to prepare for the arrival of your bundle of joy once you've already successfully done the dirty and procreated.

Before conception:
First and foremost, kids are EXPENSIVE!!!  Money doesn't grow on trees and baby furniture, clothes, diapers & formula don't just magically appear.  And there really isn't a stork that just drops them off on your doorstep either.  IF I was going to do it again and have another baby, I'd make sure I had zero debt...credit cards, medical bills, past due bills, etc.  Then I'd save as much as possible.  Ideally, I'd want to have at least 3 months salary in my savings account.

Research your health insurance.  Be educated on what they cover and what they don't.  Know what your deductible is and how much your max out of pocket is.  You don't want to be surprised when the hospital bills start showing up.   If your employer offers short term disability insurance, TAKE IT!!  Make sure you plan out how you're going to pay your bills while you're out on maternity leave.  Day cares will not take a baby before they are six weeks old...and you're truly not going to want to take them to day care EVER!!  So try to plan and save up so you're not forced back to work right away.


Expect the unexpected.  When I was pregnant with my first child, I was in 3 wrecks (only one was my fault) and my transmission went out on my truck...talk about unexpected expenses!!  With my second, I was high-risk and on bed rest for 6 weeks or so and then was only able to work part time after that...and then thought I was going into labor at work 2 weeks early.  Turned out it was only dehydration, but I scared my boss so badly he wouldn't let me come back til after I delivered...so my initial plan (if you really wanna call it a plan) was shot!!  I wasn't able to work and make anywhere near as much money as I'd expected...therefore barely able to pay our bills and no chance of saving up any more money.  So you just don't ever know what curve ball life/God is going to throw at you.

Paying for daycare is like paying a second mortgage.  If you're not able to breast feed (which many woman aren't), formula and diapers are equivalent to paying an extra car payment.   Then you've got all of the other little things like clothes, shoes, toys...birthdays, sports, college...and it NEVER ends.  Ask your parents.


Parenthood isn't as simple as having sex, carrying a baby in your womb for 9 months and then popping it out and living happily ever after.  You are responsible for this little living, breathing, beautiful being for not just the next 18 years...but for the rest of your life.  Everything you do for the rest of your life is going to effect your baby. The choices you make and the example you set are so much more important than you'll realize any time soon.  It took me a while to understand the profound impact that I have on my girls.

If you think a baby will fix your marriage, you're WRONG!!!  It may feel like it for a little while, but in the end it very well could be the catalyst that sends it crumbling.  Often relationships are rocky due to money issues, trust issues or maybe because one feels like they do everything that has to be done while the other just does what they want.  Many people think that a baby will bring them closer.  What really happens is the finances get worse or the spouse that does everything gets a ton more responsibility dropped on their shoulders (taking care of the baby).


After conception:
So now you're hopefully living in a perfect world where you have tons of money in the bank and you're blissfully married to a person that is going to be a great teammate in the game of child rearing.  What now?

Well of course you go to the doctor and they take good care of you medically.  You'll go tour the hospital and hopefully take a prepared childbirth class.  You'll get to go register for lots of cute and nifty things for people to buy you for your shower.  You'll get to decorate a nursery and make it the perfect room for your sweet innocent baby.

But there are still a few things that people sometimes forget or don't realize they need to do.  Like check out day cares.  Go for tours, compare their ratios, their prices, their policies.  Once you have the car seat, you can go by any fire station and they'll make sure you have the base installed properly.  

Kiss good night's sleep goodbye at about 30 weeks or so.  If you're lucky enough to be able to get comfortable at all, you're definitely gonna have to pee before you even get good and asleep.  My mom told me it was my body getting me used to running on fumes.  You'll be up every couple hours (again if you're lucky) to pee...and then once you're home from the hospital, you'll be up for feedings.  I promise every second of lost sleep is worth it though!!  You don't know what love really is until you look at that precious life you brought into the world...and your heart melts!!!


Happily ever after:
Now that you've had your baby, everyone and their mother is going to have advice for you.  You're probably going to get an earful from the old lady in line behind you at the grocery store...just grin and bare it.  Parenting is mostly a learn as you go career.  Learn from your mistakes and your parent's mistakes, your sibling's mistakes and your friend's mistakes.  Of course this is when I give you my advice....the 3 most important things I think a parent should base their parenting on is this:


1. Keep your baby on a schedule.  If you keep their naps & feedings on a schedule it's so much easier to plan the rest of your life around it...


2. Discipline them early on.  Sure it may be cute when they slap you across the face the first time, but if you laugh and play along...they're going to keep doing it.  Your child isn't going to be perfect...and that's ok.  Be willing to hear constructive criticism. Teach them to be responsible for their actions and learn from their mistakes.


3. Don't plan on being your child's friend.  You're the parent...and they're not supposed to like you sometimes.  That means you're doing a good job.  It's not your job to make life easy for them...it's to teach and prepare them for real life.


All of this being said....GOOD LUCK!!!  It's worth every sleepless night, every heartache and every fight...I wouldn't trade my girls and every experience I've had as a mom for the world.

Super Tuesday...

Let me start with, I'm not a hugely politically active person.  I do follow politics and I do vote, but I don't usually preach my opinions.  I'll discuss them with those that are willing to discuss, not argue back and forth.  I HATE arguing politics!!!  I hate it mainly because so many people just believe what they hear on t.v. and every network spins everything to their benefit.  It is our responsibility as a nation to listen, research (independently) and make an educated choice when electing our presidents, mayors, governors, senators, congressmen, etc.  It's ignorance that elects inept leaders.

That being said, this post is solely my opinion.  Nobody has to agree with me...but I'm not looking for an argument.  I'm perfectly willing to listen to different opinions and see others point of views.  With many of my friendships, I've had to just agree to disagree when it comes to politics and religion...and that's how we're able to still be friends.

In a nutshell, I believe abortion is a personal choice, that should not be used as a form of birth control.  I work hard and don't look for hand outs.  If you're on welfare, you should be required to take drug tests.  I believe  government spending is WAY out of control. I believe in the death penalty.  I believe we need a real plan to eliminate our dependency on other countries for fuel...and that drilling HERE makes the most sense.  Creating new jobs and lowering the cost of gas will ABSOLUTELY help our economy.  I believe health care is important, that's why I have a job that offers it.  I don't think that it should be mandatory!!  There should be laws and plans that help bring the cost down in order to make it more affordable.  People kill people, not guns.  I'm all for gay marriage.  I don't like war, but it's often necessary.  I don't think illegal immigrants should be eligible for all of the same things as those that followed the rules and came here legitimately. 

When I woke up this morning, I was undecided about who I was going to vote for today.  I was on the fence between Gingrich and Romney, but after all of the research I've done today...Newt has my vote!!  I know a lot of people don't like him because of his infidelities and wandering eye, but I'm convinced that if we're basing our political choices on morals alone, we're screwed all the way around. In my opinion, it's the president's job to do what is best for our country as a whole. It is my job to set a good moral example to my children and teach them right from wrong. I'm not condoning cheating on spouses...but ultimately that's not what's gonna make or break our country.

Bottom line: It's important to vote!!!  If you don't vote, your voice isn't heard and you have no right to complain about the condition our country is in.  So, if you're not registered to vote...you can do so online at http://sos.georgia.gov/elections/vrinfo.htm. I found a great website that helps you compare each candidate's position on each issue.  Here's a link to compare Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney.   http://2012.candidate-comparison.org/?compare=Gingrich&vs=Romney.  You can change who you want to compare to Obama or whoever else you might be considering voting for. 

My favorite soldier...

For an update about what's been going in the life of Sparky...click here. 
 
Let me tell you about my favorite soldier.  We met at a 4th of July party in 2005...although I'm 90% sure he has zero recollection of that night.  Who knew we'd become best friends?  Certainly not me...I thought he was the biggest dumbass I'd ever met, after he set off fireworks on the railing of the deck, that in turn tipped over and went off into the crowd of people watching.  Luckily only 3 of us were hurt.  My scar is no longer visible but the memory of that night will never be forgotten.

Our friendship was centered around good times and partying in the beginning and then transformed into one that revolved around close friends and our children.  He was a single dad that only really got to spend time with his daughter during the summer...and has a son he's never met (not for a lack of trying on his part).  But my girls gravitated towards him from the very beginning.  He loves them as if they're his own and would take a bullet for any of his kids.



Us & my girls.



It was for his children that he chose to join the army 2 years ago.  He wanted to improve himself and to be able to provide better for them and himself.  It was the single hardest decision he ever made and I am convinced it was the BEST decision he's made!!  He has found his calling.  He LOVES what he does and has excelled and advanced in his field.  We are so proud of you Sparky!!  And although I miss you everyday, especially the ones that I could really use one of your magical bear hugs...I know you're making a difference and you're someone I'm happy to call my family!!



John & his wife, Amy :)



Since joining the Army, our time with him has been very sporadic and rushed...but we've made every second count.  God was on our side when it worked out that he was able to be home for his 30th birthday last January.  It was a bittersweet celebration because although we were celebrating his birthday, we all knew that it could be the last time we saw him.  He shipped out to Afghanistan on my birthday, Jan. 31, 2011...but not before calling me to sing happy birthday too.  His calls were few and far between, but thanks to Facebook and Skype we were able to stay in touch.  He was able to send threats to any boys talking to my girls, letting them know that even from Afghanistan...his aim was dead-on.





Sparky with his daughter & mom!!



Fast forward 367 days to Feb. 2, 2012.  He was finally state-side again.  And on Feb. 16, 2012...I finally got that bear hug I'd been needing for the last 401 days!!  Unfortunately it was his shortest visit yet.  He was only in town for 16 hours.  But we made it the visit he'll hold closest to his heart.  A dinner that was supposed to only consist of him, his wife, me and my girls and his brother, sister in-law and neice...was actually a party of 50!!  We even made the front page of the local paper.







John meeting his neice for the very fist time!!



Deadbeat Parents...Please Stand Up!!

Let me start with this, for years I covered for my ex-husband.  I made excuses for him and sugar coated everything for my kids.  After all he is their daddy!!  But eventually I got bitter.  I got tired of lying to my kids in the hope that he would eventually see the error of his ways and change.  I got tired of them thinking he was a super-hero and I was the mean parent that made them do their homework, eat their veggies, brush their teeth and go to bed on time.  I wanted them to know that I was the super-hero!! 

So here we go.  Notice I said parents, not just dads?  There are deadbeat moms out there too.  There are so many factors that can put a parent into the deadbeat category (whether you live w/ your kids or not).  I'm going to try to keep this as neutral as possible.  The purpose of this post is not to vent or attack anyone.  My hope is that people will read this and open their eyes, see it from a new perspective and maybe make some changes in their own relationships with their children.  Here are the factors I've come up with: (they all kinda tie in together)

Money
Sacrifice
Dependablity
Consistency
Time
Respect
Responsibility

There's the obvious one, money or lack there of.  When you are blessed with the honor of being someone's parent, you're also being granted the responsibility of providing for them; putting their needs ahead of your own.  Your hobbies, vices and other wants get put on a back burner. 

Learning to make sacrifices for the well being of your kids is one of those hard lessons, especially if you're already a generally selfish person.  There are financial sacrifices as well as social, personal and professional.  For example, I quit smoking.  This falls into several categories.  Sure I needed to quit for my health, but I also wanted to set a good example for my kids.  I wish I could say I have piles of extra money just laying around because of it, but I can't.  What I can say is, now when the girls need a new pair of shoes or supplies for a big project...I don't have to say "we'll go get them when I get paid."

Children should always be able to depend on their parents.  As mommies and daddies, we should be the last ones to ever disappoint our babies if we can help it.  They are going to have plenty of disappointments in life that we can't spare them from.  Sure, there are gonna be times when things happen that are out of our control, but teach your children that it's important to keep promises.  One of my favorite sayings is "Say what you mean and do what you say."  Don't say what you think I want to hear just to make me happy for now, if you don't intend to follow through.   

There is no such thing as a part-time parent.  Just because you may only get your kids every other weekend, does not mean you're off duty the rest of the time.  Don't think that just because it's Christmas, it's your right to spend time with your kids even though you've maybe been too busy for them the rest of the year...whether you were working or hunting or playing ball or hanging out at the lake.  Be a consistent presence in your kid's lives. 

Make time for your kids.  If they play sports, make the effort to get to their games.  If they dance or sing in the chorus, show up for their performances.  As they get older, they're going to be less and less interested in spending time with you.  Take advantage while you can.  And once they are older and you see them less and less, make occasional dates to just grab a burger and hang out for a little while.  If you've remarried or have more kids, make sure your kids still know that they're important!!

Just because they're kids, doesn't mean they don't have feelings and don't deserve respect.  In every decision I make, I think about how it's going to effect my children.  I consider what kind of example I'm setting for them.  Would I want them to make the same choice when they're adults?  Dependability, sacrifice and consistency are all related to respect too...and honesty.  As they get older, you lying to them or making false promises is more of a slap in the face than you might realize.  If you choose to put yourself in a bad situation, think about how your kids might feel or if you'd want them to think it's okay to be in that same situation.  Once you get past the selfish part, it's really quite simple.

Your children learn a majority from your example.  If you have a bad attitude about something or suffer from road rage, chances are they will too.  If you make terrible financial choices, it's likely they will too.  If you're kind and thoughtful, hopefully they will be too.  In order to raise your children to be responsible adults, first you have to be responsible yourself.  Part of being responsible is making the right choices, especially when they're hard choices and not the choice you want.  Does this make sense? 

Simply existing in your child's life does NOT count as parenting!!  Spend quality time with your kids.  You watching t.v. downstairs while they're playing on the computer upstairs is NOT spending time together.  You dropping them off and picking them up after their basketball game is NOT being an active parent! Stay for the game...cheer them on!!  So whether you're the primary parent or not...make sure you're actively participating in your kid's lives!!!