2013...So Far Kinda Blows

Don't let the title of this post confuse you.  I'm happier than I have EVER been.  I'm in love with an amazing man that would move heaven and earth to make me happy.  I have high hopes that in reality 2013 is going to be an amazing year for us.  But right now, 21 days into the year...I'm just sad.

My Gramma passed away week before last...and although it was expected and it was definitely her time, I miss her.  I really didn't shed many tears at the time, but I think it's caught up with me now.  She was an amazing woman and I'm so grateful that God picked her to be my grandmother.  She was a feisty fun Gramma.  She clogged long into my childhood.  She sang all the time.  She was a talented artist...and she had a hysterical sense of humor, even after Alzheimer's took most everything from her; she would crack jokes and act silly.  I love you Gramma.

My morning started off great today.  Most Monday mornings don't begin with me waking up next to the man of my dreams.  It just so happened that it's MLK day and the girls are not only out of school today, but they were both spending the night out last night...so I got to spend an extra night with him.  So for all intents and purposes, I should be in a fantastic mood!!!  I was...even when I was walking his crazy ass dog up and down the street begging her to poop.  Even when I had to leave before him to get to work.  

But then as I was making my trek into the office, I had to pass the cemetery.  The one where my best friend is buried.  The one that I pass on a regular basis now, but haven't made the time in a while to just stop by.  I always think of her when I drive past.  Some times I even say "hi" out loud.  This morning I said "Good Morning Ter...I miss you!!" and then I promptly lost it.  I haven't truly shed tears for her in months.  She's been gone over 7 years now and not a day goes by that I don't think of her, but I haven't bawled my eyes out over the void she left in my heart in a long time.  Apparently today is the day that I'm making up for that lost time.  

I called my sister wife, expecting her to cheer me up.  But what does that bitch do?  She starts crying with me!!!  I had an intense dream on Friday night that I lost her too.  I don't remember the details of the dream, but I woke up devastated and paralyzed with fear.  It took a while to catch my breath and convince myself that it wasn't real.  So, just so we're clear...Chiquita, Lollipop & Sunflower; y'all are not allowed to go anywhere for a VERY long time.  I need your crazy asses to balance me out...and Dumpling, I love you so much it takes my breath away and this sadness has absolutely nothing to do with "us". 

Then add that the Falcon's broke my heart just a little bit yesterday too...and you've got all of the ingredients for a perfect storm.  Hopefully writing about all of this will get it off my chest and I'll be done with the tears and go on to have a fabulous Monday.

PS: I'm co-hosting the GFC Blog Hop tomorrow.  Check back in the morning to hop along with us and find some new blogs worth following.

Slou's Diagnosis

I'm excited and a little overwhelmed.  We went through a full evaluation at The Amen Clinic.  The work they're doing there is nothing short of amazing.  Our first visit included an in depth interview with one of their historians to discuss our family history, my concerns, Slou's concerns, etc. and her first set of SPECT scans of her brain while active.  The second appointment was for scans of her brain while resting.  The third appointment we met with the doctor and discussed her diagnosis and treatment plan.

Healthy SPECT Surface View:

The doctor explained that the smoother the surface the better.  Bumps and holes indicate over active brain function.

As you can see from looking at her surface scans, hers don't really look too abnormal.  The majority is smooth with very few bumps or holes.  It all seems a little boring, huh?  I'll be honest.  I was a little disappointed when the doctor showed me these scans.  After all, this whole process was quite costly.  I didn't want it to be for nothing!!

Slou - Resting

Slou - Active

Well that's where the boring ends and it all becomes fascinating and worth every penny.  Below are the internal scans of her brain.  You'll notice the healthy view contains only small portions of red and white.  The more red and white the more over active.

Slou - Resting

Slou - Active

As you can see, this whole journey wasn't for nothing.  It wasn't my imagination.  It wasn't that Slou was acting out just because she wanted to.  This isn't something that can be fixed by a little extra discipline.

Dr. Amen has classified ADD into 6 different types.  They have diagnosed Slou with #6, the ring of fire.  You can see from the pictures, why it's called the ring of fire.  You can read more about it here.  It's also known as/related with Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

The sections of the brain where you see the white are mostly where all of the emotions & impulsivity among other things originate.

So what now, you ask?  Well for starters we've started a new supplement regimen. In the morning, she'll continue with her ADHD medication (Vyvanse) along with a multi-vitamin, fish oil and 2 NeuroLink capsules (a supplement designed by Dr. Amen).  In the evening she'll take NeuroLink again and a calcium & magnesium supplement.  She's been taking all of these since Saturday morning.  I can tell you she already has a better attitude and her mornings have been exceptional.  She even moo'ed at me yesterday morning....a true sign of a great mood at our house. 

We're also working towards a better diet.  The doctor suggested that there might also be a food allergy involved too. I'll be sure to keep you all up to date on our progress.  Hopefully these natural treatments will help remedy all of our struggles with impulsivity, anger, depression, etc.  If not, they've also provided us with some suggestions for other medicines.  We'll return in January for a follow-up appointment. 

To follow us along on this journey please join my page here on GFC, Facebook and Twitter.  By clicking the banner below you are casting your vote for me at topmommyblogs.com....and I'll love you forever for it :)  

In Loving Memory...

Saturday marked the 7th anniversary of the day my whole world shook. Growing up you think you'll live forever. When you hear about parents or grandparents or kids dying, you think "Oh that will never happen to me. That only happens to other people." Then your grandfather might pass away from some old people's disease...you experience a little taste of loss. Then maybe an uncle that lived a hard life fighting his demons might go before his time. But then you're still convinced this is as bad as it'll get. Then one night when you're laying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep...when you hear your phone ringing downstairs and you think about ignoring it...but decide to run downstairs to answer and then you are on autopilot...driving to the hospital in a trance, praying that it's all just an overreaction. Then you're 10 minutes from the hospital and your phone rings again. You answer and you all the sudden feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. You manage to hold it together long enough to drive the rest of the way to the hospital...continuing to pray that the doctors were wrong. That they had their patients mixed up. I run to the ER entry and my legs buckle and the reality starts to set in. My world as I know it...will never be the same again. 

I can try to explain how the tightness in my chest felt like it was smothering me, I was drowning. How I felt like I would never catch my breath again. The hours that I spent crying in the shower so my kids didn't see how broken I really was. How I put on a brave face and made the trek every day to make sure her sweet 15 month old baby was okay.  How my heart broke when I'd be rocking her to sleep and she'd call me mommy, because she didn't understand why Beelay & Slou could call me mommy and she didn't have anyone to call mommy anymore.  I can tell you all about how I would call her cell phone just to get her voicemail so I could hear her voice again, but until you lose your best friend...you'll never be able to truly grasp the feeling. 

I hope that none of you have ever felt that earth shattering pain. And as bad as it was on me, I'm not the only person she left behind. The void that her mom, sister, husband and baby (who's now 8) had to learn to live with...is something I hope I never experience firsthand. 

On September 29, 2005 my best friend Terri Christine Kown Turner died of a massive heart attack at the age of 27. For weeks I wrote down every memory I ever had of her.  I was terrified of forgetting her.  For years when I really wanted to talk to her, I wrote to her. I have a journal full of entries of what I needed to say to her. That was the best therapy I could've ever had. While I miss her every.single.day, I've healed. I don't spend the entire day engulfed in grief anymore. I spend it remembering her and cherishing the time I had with her. I thank God for the wonderful mom he brought into her daughter's life. I believe if Terri could've hand picked her stand in, she would've picked her. 

So let this be a reminder that tomorrow is never guaranteed. Let the ones you love know it. Live every day to it's fullest. And cherish every second that you have.  Part of me feels guilty, but I know that Terri wouldn't want any of us to spend the day being sad. Rather than cry for my loss, I laughed and made new memories with some of my best friends. I love and miss you every day. Your memory will live on through me and everyone else that you touched. 

I know this post is bound to make some of you cry and for that I'm sorry.  That was not my intention, except that it means that through these words, I've touched your heart.  If you're new to my blog, please follow me through GFC, Facebook, or Twitter.  Also, take a second to click the banner below to help me in my rankings at topmommyblogs.com.  Happy Monday.

 

Anger Issues...

My baby will be 11 years old next Tuesday.  She's already "blossoming" into a young lady.  She's not "started" yet, but it could be right around the corner or it could still be a couple of years.  How can you tell if what your daughter is going through is regular ol' hormones, depression or something worse?

She is so sweet & funny 50% of the time, but that other half she is testing at best and manic at worst.  She is medicated for ADHD.  I do believe some of her uncontrollable emotions are a side-effect to coming off her meds in the evenings.  We tried changing her meds last spring and it was a disaster.  While she was much easier to handle emotionally, her focus and drive were railroaded.  Since being diagnosed and medicated, she has ALWAYS exceeded expectations on her standardized testing and maintained mostly A's with just a couple of B's here and there.  Last year's CRCT (taken while messing w/ her meds) scores were WAY less than desirable.  She barely met expectations in all subjects.  While I was disappointed, she was devastated.  She was so upset with herself.  All I could say was "Honey, keep in mind this was when we were trying a different medicine.  I'm not upset with you.  Don't beat yourself up.  You'll do so much better this year."  She's terrified that they will "kick her out" of the gifted program.  So needless to say, we don't want to start messing with her meds again, if we can help it.

But something has got to give.  She flies off the handle if she stubs her toe.  She screams that I hate her and that she wants to kill herself when she gets in trouble.  She is constantly antagonizing her sister.  She's never been good at taking responsibility for her actions, although I always try to hold her accountable.  When she flies into one of her rages, I've gotten into the habit of immediately sending her to her room to calm down and to keep myself from losing it too.  She'll usually come back down less than 5 min. later and apologize, but then often doesn't even remember what she's sorry for or what set her off.  I've tried talking to her about thinking before speaking and taking deep breaths.

I'm certain she would benefit from some therapy or counseling.  My insurance doesn't cover it, but my mom has offered to help pay for it.  I just don't even know where to start.  I don't want her to grow up having uncontrollable anger issues....it does happen to run on both sides of her family.  As does depression, even though some family members believe it's a bogus medical condition.  Considering my history, I don't want her to have to fight this battle for the rest of her life and I don't want to feel like I need to defend her and make excuses for her either. 

I don't want to put another label on her or over medicate her.  When I talk to the pediatrician about it, I feel like she thinks I'm lacking as a mom.  That I should be able handle her with redirection and consequences.  I feel lost.  I feel inadequate.  I just want her to be happy...and not feel drawn to "other" activities to find her happiness.  Any words of advice on where to begin would be great.

Thanks for reading.  Here's the link to my Facebook and please click the banner below to lift my spirits and my rankings at topmommyblogs.com.  Also, I've linked up with Southern Mama's Blog Hop...click the button above to read more blogs from other Southern Mamas.  Happy Hump Day y'all!!

Week 8: H is for Happiness

Here we are at week 8 in Love Kate's A-Z All About me weekly challenge.  Actually we're at week 9, but I'm running a week behind.  Who knew I could be a poet too?  Anyway, happiness is one of those emotions that everyone strives for and not always conquers.  I have off and on battled depression since I was 15.  I'm a pro at hiding it and putting on the act of being happy.  Only a select few can read between the lines and know when I'm wearing a mask.

I believe my parent's divorce triggered my first bout with the D word.  I was 17 before I was actually diagnosed and medicated, but once I was...a fog was lifted and my life was a much brighter place.  I fell in love for the first time and had my heart broke. I dealt with it and I survived and became stronger for it.  I really don't remember when or why I quit taking my meds.  I guess I thought I was all better now and didn't need them.  And I didn't, for a while. 

I fell in love again.  I should've seen the signs and known that it wasn't a healthy love, but it was a fun and dangerous kind of love.  It was a volatile kind of love.  When things were good, they were AMAZING...when they were bad, they were devastating.  When he gave me a promise ring, I believed him.  When people told me he was unfaithful to me, I believed HIM.  When he told me he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life taking care of me, I blindly believed him.  So when I got pregnant at 20, there really wasn't any question about what the next step would be.

Of course I had my second thoughts, but we were young and I was convinced that once this baby came EVERYTHING was going to change.  He was gonna be an amazing daddy and he was all the sudden gonna be the husband I'd been dreaming of.  I was WRONG!!  But this post isn't supposed to be about my marriage, it's about my happiness.   After Beelay was born, I suffered from postpartum.  I was once again medicated.  It didn't have the miraculous effect that it had had before...probably because it made my life and situation so much clearer and I knew I was not in a good place.  As you've read in Week 2, I gave it my best efforts to make it work....even popping out a second baby, because the first one obviously helped so much.  <---to be clear, I wouldn't trade my girls for ANYTHING (well maybe better behaved girls) in the word.

After I finally left for good, I tried medication again.  Only it was definitely not the right one.  I felt like a zombie and I never slept.  So instead of going back to the doctor, I just quit taking it and put my best foot forward in trying to make it.  Since middle school, I've always wished on "shooting stars" and "11:11".  Not that I'm superstitious, but what could it hurt.  After I left, my new wish became "to be happy".  Of course God has thrown me some curve balls, especially with the death of one of my very best friends.  After that, I came to terms with the fact that I probably needed to stay medicated.  And ya know what?  Since accepting that, I've been happy.  

Sure I have my good days and my bad, but so does everyone else.  I no longer EVER feel sorry for myself.  I'm happy with the choices that I've made.  I'm happy with the life that I'm living.  I'd be even happier if I won the lottery and was able to go back to school and quit my job, but such is life.  I'm happy with the friendships that I've built.  I'm happy with the children God gave me...I wish he'd given them a different daddy, but I realize I'm really the one that chose him.  Happiness is a state of mind that comes from acceptance and medication....in my world anyway :)

I hope you've enjoyed reading more about me.  Please follow me here on GFC and on  Facebook.  If you have a second, please click on the banner below to cast your vote for me on topmommyblogs.com.  Hope you all have a fabulous week.