Monday, December 12, 2011

From the mouths of 7th graders...WARNING: This is NASTY!!

Again, let me warn you before you read any further...this post will make you GAG!!!

If there is one thing I'm certain I have successfully instilled in my children, it's a sense of humor.  However, if there's one thing I've most definitely failed at, it's control of the censor on/off switch!!  If it's funny to them, surely it must be funny to everyone else; including but not limited to their grandfather and uncles.  Keep this in mind as you read the rest of this post.

Allow me to first ruin that craving you've had for Mexican...for the rest of your life.  Turns out middle school girls have new words for "embarrassing" things.  For example; when I was in 7th grade, we referred to having our period as "Aunt Flow was in town".  We NEVER even thought to discuss "discharge".  As I'm currently stifling gags, I can tell you that my 7th grader and her friends find it to be a hysterically entertaining subject to talk about.  They've even got their own "code word".  Are you ready for it? Wait for it...

Make sure you've swallowed that last sip of water!!  They call it....


Now, take a minute to recover from that before you read any further.  We'll now move on to the subject of "queefing".  What is a queef you might ask.  <This is when I go to to copy their definition...but got completely distracted and laughed til I cried> According to, it is a vaginal fart (v-fart) that usually only occurs during intercourse.  But I can promise you that is indeed NOT true!!  I've witnessed it.  These girls can do it on command by laying on the floor with their feet in the air and rolling back and forth allowing air to build up...resulting in a queef.  My child didn't see anything wrong with educating and demonstrating this to my MOTHER!!  I was mortified!!!

But during my "research" for this post, I came across this:

In the eighteenth century, it was common practice for small groups of well-to-do Southern women to each lift up their corsets and "queef" at their leisure on warm, summer afternoons. Typically performed on balconies or porches, these women would insert various large objects in their TOOTS and slowly pull them out to create the desired sound. These "porch parties" would provide hours of fun for the ladies while the men were away, and, from a practical standpoint, at times, enough air circulation as a respite from the brutal summer heat. Small wagers were often placed with the winner going to longest continuous queef, highest pitch, lowest pitch, smelliest, and wettest. There was also the queef sing-a-long; and a special prize was given to any women whose queef could attract wildlife.

So maybe my kid was from the 18th century in a previous life?  I don't know about you and your friends, but mine usually sit around and drink and play cards or have the occasional jewelry, tupperware, or pure romance party....but this brings a whole new meaning to "Girls night in".  What are y'all doing this weekend?  HAHAHA...sorry, couldn't resist.

Now picture the look on my dad's and brother in-law's faces when my 13 year old walked in the den and broadcasted that she just let out the loudest queef ever!!  I'm pretty sure one of them choked on their beverage...but I jumped up and escorted her out of the room to have "a come to Jesus" meeting about what's appropriate and what is NOT, before I could actually see/hear their reactions!!  Apparently Jesus didn't make a big enough impression on her because the whole tutorial with my mom was only a couple days later.

I warned you all from the very top that this post was I really hope that the next time you see me or my kid in person, you won't look at us any differently than you did before today.  She'll kill me if she ever reads this, but I had to share my discomfort and the later humor of the situation with all of you...mainly because a few certain friends INSISTED that I had no choice in the matter, but to BLOG.  She really is a very well-behaved and well-mannered young lady, most of the time.


  1. Baahaaaa!!!! This is too much! I wish I could have seen the look on Pa's face!

  2. You keep me laughing! Thanks for the interesting read!