Duck Dynasty....

I've read a few excerpts from Phil's GQ interview.  I've heard every.single.morning.show go on and on and on and on about how controversial and upsetting it was and how offended everyone is.  It was even on the tv at the gas station this morning and the Asian lady behind the register said "It's his beliefs.  Leave him alone."

I watch Duck Dynasty.  I LOVE DUCK DYNASTY!!! It's one of the only family friendly "reality" shows on tv that we all find insanely entertaining.  They are a Christian family.  It's good wholesome fun. Jase is my favorite Robertson.  But Phil is the patriarch of the family.  He's never once hidden what his beliefs are.  So what was GQ expecting when they interviewed him? That he was gonna magically become politically correct?

We all know the bible says that homosexuality is a sin.  So is being greedy.  How many of you can say you've never been guilty of lust or envy? Fornication?  How many of you were virgins until your wedding night? Taking the Lord's name in vain.  You've never said "Oh my God"? A sin is a sin is a sin.  Who are any of us to judge which sin is bigger than the other? 

I'll be the first one to speak up to support gay rights.  I'm not saying every church in the country should have to allow a gay couple to say their vows in their sanctuary.  But our government has intervened in every other area of our lives to make sure everyone feels equal.  Why not let two men or women that love each other have the same legal rights that the rest of us have when we marry our significant other?


So basically what I'm saying is SHUT UP about how offensive you find Phil Robertson.  Go back to watching your 'Sons of Anarchy' and 'Breaking Bad' and let the people that try to live their lives according to God practice their "Right to Free Speech".  Nothing he said was shocking if you've ever watched the show.  And if you have watched it and still found him offensive, it's simple.  Don't watch it anymore.

Oh and nothing I read sounded racist at all.  I'm not going to play into GQ's marketing scheme by buying the magazine to read the whole article though.  You can read what they've posted on their website here. 

Merry Christmas!!


  

The BIG Thank You...

On my way in this morning, I was listening to The Bert Show.  They are promoting a huge campaign to make sure EVERY.SINGLE.SERVICEMAN/WOMAN stationed outside of the United States has a handwritten thank you letter in their hands by Thanksgiving.  

As many of you know, one of my VERY dearest friends is in the Army.  Knowing how it feels to have him so far away from us, I can only imagine what it's like for all of them to be away from their families, friends and loved ones, especially during the holidays.

That being said, I'm joining the campaign!!  I'm asking all of my friends, family, co-workers and readers to please write a THANK YOU letter...as short or long (no more than front and back of one page) as you want.  If you're not able to get them to me, you can either drop them at any Jersey Mike's location or mail them directly to the radio station.  

There are a few "rules" though.  Here's the gist...

Each letter should be heartfelt, handwritten, original, and free of any political statements. The purpose of the letter is to express thanks to the military personnel currently deployed outside the United States. We reserve the right to eliminate those messages that are political in nature and do not reflect a positive message in the spirit of Thanksgiving.

• All letters must be on 8.5” x 11” paper or smaller.
• Do not use glue, tape, staples, cardboard, glitter or otherwise attach anything to the paper.
• NO construction paper.
• Decorate using crayons, markers, pens or pencils.
• Use both sides if you like, but use one page per letter only.
• Do not send greeting cards or photographs.
• Feel free to include your mailing and email address.
• Individual letters should not be sealed in envelopes.
• Do not send anything except letters.

For more information you can visit their website at bigthankyou2013.com

In order for them to ensure that all letters are delivered by Thanksgiving, they must have them in their possession by November 1st.  I'll be sending all the letters I plan to collect no later than October 28th.  Please take the 5-10 minutes to say thank you to the people who have dedicated their lives to protecting us and our country.

 You can follow me on Facebook by clicking here.  Thank you again for reading...

Slow Motion...

Don't get too excited.  I know seeing two posts this close together isn't the norm anymore, but I'm 100% caught up at work and now I'm bored.  Sooooo, write I will.

Here's a little glimpse into our chaotic life:

I told you that the girls and I moved in with Dumpling.  What I left out was that he doesn't sleep...very often or very soundly.  ANYTHING wakes him up...a fleck of dust floating through the air could be the culprit.  So needless to say, we don't sleep in the same bed.  I snore.  I grind my teeth.  I BREATHE!!!  

Our little cabin in the woods...is only a 3 bedroom.  Being the gentleman that he is, he gave up his bedroom.  He's been sleeping on the couch for months now.  I have offered time and time again to give up the bed and he has repeatedly turned me down.  Well, he finally admitted that the couch is doing a number on his back.  

Solution: I will sleep with Beelay and he will move back into our bedroom.  For those of you that have been around for the past almost 15 years, you know that Beelay slept with me until she was 5 years old...and didn't give up that arrangement without an over abundance of kicking, screaming and crying.  And don't think for a second that she has ever passed up the opportunity to sneak into my bed given the chance over the past 10 years.  So I'm guessing she's thinking "SCORE!! I WIN!!!"

Here's the downside: I get up to pee a couple of times a night.  The past few nights, I've been like a blind person that's been dropped in a war zone.  Downstairs, I know my way to the potty without turning on lights.  Move me upstairs and it's like walking through a minefield in order to relieve my bladder.  Last night I finally thought to grab my phone and use it as a flashlight. **I just added nightlights to my shopping list!!

Yesterday morning I got up the first, ok maybe the second time my alarm went off, to go snuggle with Dumpling before we HAD to get up.  <---Do NOT read more into that, because if you didn't know, log homes have ZERO privacy and EVERYONE HEARS EVERYTHING!!!  Back to the topic at hand, the first step is shorter than a normal step.  In my sleepy slumber, I forgot.  For half a millisecond, I saw my life flash before my eyes AGAIN!!  I had flashbacks of my tumble almost 3 1/2 years ago that landed me on my back...for weeks and the continued back pain I still struggle with.  After that half a millisecond, I managed to bypass the anxiety attack that tried to follow.  I padded on into my bedroom and instead of being greeted with comfort, Dumpling LAUGHED at me!!!  ASSHOLE!!    

My back is seizing up just thinking about it again!!

Guess I should add that you can follow me on Facebook here, if you wanna keep up with my disasters as they happen.

How much have you missed me....

I know...it's been AGES!!!  Some of my friends would tell you that I haven't written because I'm lost somewhere up in the ass of my boyfriend...and they'd be some what correct.  I've also been using every ounce of my self control to keep from committing acts of violence toward my children...not always winning.  

So where to begin.  For those that don't know already, the girls and I moved in with Dumpling right before school started.  Which meant they had to move to new schools...where they knew NO ONE!!  I dropped that bomb on them a week and a half before school started...expecting it to be the beginning of the "Attack Of The Killer Teenagers".  I really and truly thought my children were going to hate me and possibly kill me in my sleep.  Don't think that I made this decision lightly.  It was WAY more than just "I wanna play house with my boyfriend".  I weighed it all out...painstakingly!!!  But I was terrified to tell the girls.  The 3 days between when I made the decision and when I told them...were HELL!!!  I seriously thought I was going to throw up, cry and die from the anxiety.

In the end, they took the news great!!  Of course there were the expected tears and fears.  I was accused of ruining their lives and loving Dumpling more than them.  But when it came down to it, they knew just as well as I did, that it was the best decision for all of us as a family.  They have had great attitudes about the whole move in general.

In case all of that's not enough to justify my lack of writing...

The every day battles of raising two hormonal girls haven't gone away.  For some reason the 14 year old despises shaving...to the point that the words "I think my leg hairs might have split ends" came out of her mouth.  GAG!!!

My baby turned 12 three weeks ago...and promptly "became a woman" the following week.  I realize the whole topic is fascinating, but I do NOT need to know how many times you had to change your pad...every hour.  The child talked of nothing else for a solid week.  Her teacher gave her a neat little care package that had coupons for your typical feminine products.  Instead of just giving me the coupons, she READ them to me WORD.FOR.WORD on the way to school one morning.  GAG!!!

Poor Dumpling.  He went from living alone to being overrun by females.  He's been a trooper...but I assure you, he is delighted now that it's hunting season and he can escape every other weekend or so.

The girls spent the night out on Sat. night.  One with their dad and one with his parents.  When I met their dad to get them on Sunday afternoon it was immediately evident that neither of them had taken their ADHD meds.  If you don't know my children, let me explain what that means.  They are more like cracked out monkeys on speed than they are civilized human beings.  If only one of them is un-medicated it's usually manageable, but BOTH?  That's BAD!!  It can go one of three ways. 

1. They're going to team up together and purposely drive me INSANE with their out of control shenanigans.  Leading to me probably losing my shit and them losing their freedom and electronics.

2. One is going to annoy and pick at the other until they lose their shit.  Leading to one or both of them losing their freedom and electronics.

3. We're all going to bounce of the walls together until someone pees their pants or loses their shit.  Which typically leads to the loss of freedom and electronics.

Here's how Sunday went: Their dad was obviously ready to choke them both when I met him...to which I responded with "welcome to my world".  He gave Slou a talking to on respecting me and behaving, but of course that fell on deaf ears since there was no magic medicine running through her veins.  I prayed that they would calm down by the time we got home...they DID NOT.  

I told them that one of them needed to clear the stairs and vacuum the stairs and their bedrooms and the other needed to clean their bathroom.  This prompted Slou to accuse me of being a slave driver and threatening to call the police and her quickly being snatched by her hair and sent upstairs to cool herself down with a shower...and then clear the stairs and vacuum.

Which of course delayed Beelay cleaning the bathroom...and SHAVING
HER MAN LEGS!!!  I thought she was upstairs, when I heard her scream something like "Stop it! I'm sleeping! Get out of my bed!!!!"  I was wrong.  She was in MY bed and Dumpling was trying to wake her lazy butt up and kick her out so he could watch football in our bedroom.  Eventually she comes running and screaming...and laughing into the living room, swinging a belt over her head and Dumpling right behind her with a belt of his own.  The sight was so ridiculous I almost peed myself then.

He finally got the bedroom cleared and locked himself in so he could have some peace and quiet...hahahaha.  I eventually had to take Beelay's phone away and told her she could have it back when she was done with the bathroom and shaving.  It was about this time they teamed up together, because that little snot, Slou told her sister where I'd hidden her phone.  I realized what she was doing before she actually laid hands on it, so I grabbed it and with her on my back, ran to my bedroom door (where there is a small opening between the slats) and slid her phone just out of her reach...it is at this EXACT moment that I do in fact WET MY PANTS!!!  

So in the end, after tears of laughter and pain and a change of dry clothes...all of the expected chores were complete and another day ended without DFACS being called.  That my friends is what I call success.   

What I'd Really Like To Say....

Families would be so much less dysfunctional if everyone could just be honest and say how they really feel and be heard without defenses going up and blame being thrown around like a hot potato.  Hearing the truth sometimes hurts, but if your family can't tell you the truth; who can? Part of growing up is admitting when you're wrong, learning how to compromise and sometimes just agree to disagree.  If you're one of those people who thinks they're never wrong, you must live in a very lonely world.

I've been dealing with some family drama for going on 6 weeks.  I've tried to stay out of it, but still let my feelings about it be known.  For years, I felt like I was the only person that would stand up to this particular family member and now that someone else has, I'm backing them up from a distance....if that makes sense.  But now I feel like "no good deed goes unpunished".  

So here are some random things that I'd really like to say to random family members....

1. No matter how old we are, our parents are still our parents and deserve to be respected and appreciated.
2. I'm a mom too...and really Mother's Day is just another day to me.
3. Your birthday is not a national holiday.
4. Don't talk on your phone at the dinner table.  Excuse yourself or offer to return the call later.
5. Just because someone offers, doesn't mean you should necessarily accept.
6. Usually, if you ignore something it usually doesn't go away....it just gets bigger and bigger.
7. NOBODY is perfect!!
8. Jealousy only makes bad situations worse. 
9. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to, because they're the right thing to do.



This post is probably gonna hurt some feelings, but it was the only way I felt I could vent the things that were stewing inside me.  I love my family...my parents, my siblings, my kids and my extended family.  Most everything above has been said to the face of the person it's intended, but not necessarily heard or accepted.  Don't take your family for granted.  You never know what tomorrow holds.

Whew...now that I got all of that off my chest, I feel soooooo much better.

Raising Teenage Girl Probs....

Ok, ok, ok....I know I've been a terribly shitty blogger lately.  My only excuse is that I haven't had time.  Bite me.  But I would like to thank those of you that have been pushing, prodding and nagging me to get my act together and come up with some new material.  So without further adieu...

My 14 year old daughter actually asked me the other day when she could get on birth control.  That's right...14!!!  Not for the actual birth control part though.  She's having some really rough cycles.  I hate it for her, I REALLY DO!!  I remember how bad it could be...and really how bad it still can be for me if I weren't on birth control myself.  I try to be sympathetic, but you're not missing a week of school because Aunt Flow is in town.  So I have been suckered into letting her miss first PERIOD (pun intended) a time or two, but when you grow up; you gotta learn to push through it.

I'm sure you all want to know my answer, right?  Well, I actually said "we'll talk about it when you're 30." And prayed she would get the hell out of my room....which of course she didn't.  She wanted to talk about when I got on the pill and when I had sex for the first time, GASP!!!!  Apparently one night when I had one too many glasses of wine or had already taken my sleeping pill and my judgement was WAY off, I admitted to her how old I was when I lost my virginity.  I hope I also shared with her some great words of wisdom and successfully talked her into being a virgin until she's at least 25.  But honestly I don't remember telling her anything.  DAMMIT!!!

After she dropped all of that in my lap and I swallowed my shock and embarrassment, I explained to her that the reason I didn't want her on the pill (even if it is to regulate her period, cramps, hormones, etc.), because I felt like it would encourage her to make bad choices.  That I felt like when my mom put me on the pill, she was giving me permission to have sex.  Even though I know without a doubt that wasn't the case.  

I believe I ended the conversation with "Go take some ibuprofen.  Plug in the heating pad and we'll talk about this in a couple of years."  So just when I thought this whole subject had been dealt with, they pass this INSANITY that will allow a 15 year old to buy the "morning after" pill.  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME????  

I don't want my girls to even know there's a "Plan B" out there.  Trust me when I say, I'm not naive.  I know that the chances of both of them waiting until they're married are minuscule, but a mom can hope and pray; can't she?  

I do feel pretty confident that at least my older daughter and I have a very open relationship.  She is often times, too comfortable talking to me about certain things.  I'm not complaining.  I hope that when the time comes for her to take a relationship to "that" level, she'll make responsible decisions.  That she'll ALWAYS use protection, even if she is on the pill.  See, I'm not in total denial.  Eventually I'll give in and let her get on BC, but NOT at 14 or 15...or maybe even 16.  I'll just cross that bridge when we get to it.  

Bottom line, I don't think "Plan B" should be an option.  I'm afraid that CHILDREN won't understand that a condom is still important because no pill prevents STDs.  I'm still a firm supporter of preaching abstinence!!

I know this wasn't the funny post ya'll were hoping for, but it's what was on my mind when I finally found the time to write.  I'll try to be more entertaining next time.  Until then, follow me on Facebook.  Peace!!        

Growing Old...Gracefully?

I hit my mid-30s last week.  I'm fine with it...really.  But at 35, should I really be worrying about zits, wrinkles, chin hairs and gray hair?  I've been having to pluck the same black chin hair since right after having my second baby.  Now all of the sudden I have like 3-4 of those bastards.  I've been spotting the occasional gray hair here and there for a few months, but this morning when I pulled my bangs back; there's a whole flipping stripe of them!!!  Here's my pursuit to growing old...gracefully or vainly.
 
I started coloring my hair in 7th or 8th grade.  I don't remember asking my mom's permission.  It was just something Blondie & I started doing as soon as we were old enough to walk to Drug Emporium and buy it ourselves.  We started out gradually.  We'd squirt lemon juice in our hair before we'd lay out in the back yard....then we graduated to spraying "Sun In" in our hair every day before we'd blow dry it.  Then for some reason; when we got ballsy enough to actually buy a box of hair color, we bought that "Loving Care" brand....that I'm pretty sure was for old ladies trying to cover up their gray.  Let me tell you how well that turned out.  A few days after going a little (or a lot) blonder, my family left for vacation.  Two days in the highly chlorinated pools...my hair was GREEN!!!  Like the color of algae!!  It was horrible.  I'm sure my parents were probably laughing on the inside when they suggested I call the 800 customer service # on the box.  I don't remember the customer service rep holding her laughter in on the inside.  I'm pretty sure she was SAYING all of the right things through her bouts of laughter.

The chemical reaction scared me enough to lay off the dye...until summer was over.  Then the algae had grown out and my courage had returned.  We settled on "Nice 'n Easy"...and it was perfect!!!  I was the exact shade of blonde I'd always dreamed of.  Both of my siblings were toe headed...and as the token brunette, I always felt left out.  I finally belonged in my family.  I know this sounds ridiculous....and I'm saying most of it in jest.

As I got older and wiser...at the ripe old age of 17, I decided I wanted a change.  I'd had enough blonde.  I wanted to be a redhead....more like the color of cabernet.  I HATED IT!!!  And it wasn't as simple as just re-dying it blonde.  Being the hair color specialists that I thought I was...and my sister and her friend too, we went to Sally Beauty Supply.  How hard could it possibly be to strip the color from my hair?  After 6 hours of applying the blue paste to my hair, letting it take, rinsing and reapplying...waiting and waiting, my hair was capable of spontaneous combustion and it was ORANGE!!!  

Thank GOD my mother took mercy on me...and paid the $$$ to have it professionally taken care of.  After that Graceful Disaster, I decided I'd be better off just sticking with the blonde locks that suit me so well.  Well, until Blondie actually went to cosmetology school and had a license to mix dye and bleach together....then I trusted her solely and completely and allowed her to use my hair as her canvas.  I quickly became a hair color junkie!!

After Blondie became a mom and cut back her days in the salon, I moved over to another of my best friends, Chuckles.  She's been doing my hair for 5+ years now.  And she's ALWAYS willing to change things up and play with my color.  I must say she was NOT the best thing for my addiction...but having close friends in the biz, I've never had to pay full price anyway.  But times have gotten lean and the first things to be trimmed from the budget are the extras.  A couple years ago I decided to go all natural.  I believe my words were "I'll just grow old gracefully...at least until I find my first gray hair."  Well, I've been in denial for a while about those mysterious "blonde" hairs.

I come from a long line of vain people.  At 15, my Gramma asked me where I got my blonde hair from....and I told her "The same place you got yours.  The bottle."  My mom still colors her hair.  Even my dad fought it for a while with his "Just For Men".  My dilemma now is, I'm so spoiled when it comes to hair color....I don't think I can go back to doing my own color.  So do I swallow it and just scrape up the money to have Chuckles do it or do I just sit back and let the gray take over?

And while we're on the subject of spending money on my beauty....I'm contemplating laser hair removal.  I can handle shaving my legs and arm pits....but I draw the line at shaving my face!!!  At what lengths have you gone to defy your age? I'd love to hear from all of  you!!
 
If you're new here, please follow me here on GFC, Facebook and Twitter.  I'm entertaining, I swear!!  Happy hump day y'all!!!

Got Gas?

I'm a gassy person by nature, as are my children.  I've failed miserably at teaching them the necessary tools required in either holding it in or simply easing it out.  When they were little, it was absolutely hilarious for them to blow it out.  But now that they're 14 and 11, it's a wee bit embarrassing...for me anyway.  They still think it's hysterical. Plus, my dad really doesn't find bathroom humor nearly as funny as he did when I was a kid.

Probably ten years ago; while on a family vacation, my brother and I were sharing a bedroom.  One morning I woke up and he wasn't in the other bed.  I found him on the couch, trying to smother himself with blankets and pillows...to block out the sun.  I asked "What the hell are you doing out here?"  To which he answered "I couldn't sleep because all you did all night was fart and giggle in your sleep!!"  "I call bullshit!!  You must've been dreaming."

Of course, I come home and tell my friends this story....and what do ya know?  Turns out he wasn't dreaming.  Apparently I poot and giggle in my sleep all the damn time and nobody thought it necessary to tell me about it.  I guess they were all just laughing at me behind my...back? 

All of this being said; Dumpling and I have now been together over 4 months.  My embarrassingly inappropriate children NEVER had any concept of whether it was normal to launch fart rockets in front of or in the general direction of mama's new boyfriend.  Thank GOD he has a great sense of humor and not a weak stomach.  This all leads me to the timeless question of:

When is it ok to just let ‘er rip?

There have been others to blog about this ageless conundrum.  Like Samantha over at "Bitches Gotta Eat"....she wanted to know When can you fart in a new person's bed? Warning, she will make you cry from laughter.  There have even been videos on youtube about "Breaking the barrier".  Watch it now:

Well, nothing takes this decision out of your hands like a ferocious stomach bug...in a house with only one working toilet.  That's right folks, he must REALLY love me...of course he could've been a real gentleman and acted like he didn't hear a peep, but in his words "Where's the fun in that?"

So needless to say, I guess we've broken the barrier.  I'd still rather not poop when he's in the house, but when ya gotta go...ya gotta go.  And if you're one of those girls who wants to pretend you don't poop or toot...live on in your misery!!  If you're one of those girls that really doesn't poop or toot, you should probably see a doctor.

PS: Dumpling, I'll be so happy when we have 2 working potties in the house.  And when I disappear upstairs with my Kindle in hand, just pretend you didn't notice.  Mmmkay?

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