Tuesday, September 24, 2013

How much have you missed me....

I know...it's been AGES!!!  Some of my friends would tell you that I haven't written because I'm lost somewhere up in the ass of my boyfriend...and they'd be some what correct.  I've also been using every ounce of my self control to keep from committing acts of violence toward my children...not always winning.  

So where to begin.  For those that don't know already, the girls and I moved in with Dumpling right before school started.  Which meant they had to move to new schools...where they knew NO ONE!!  I dropped that bomb on them a week and a half before school started...expecting it to be the beginning of the "Attack Of The Killer Teenagers".  I really and truly thought my children were going to hate me and possibly kill me in my sleep.  Don't think that I made this decision lightly.  It was WAY more than just "I wanna play house with my boyfriend".  I weighed it all out...painstakingly!!!  But I was terrified to tell the girls.  The 3 days between when I made the decision and when I told them...were HELL!!!  I seriously thought I was going to throw up, cry and die from the anxiety.

In the end, they took the news great!!  Of course there were the expected tears and fears.  I was accused of ruining their lives and loving Dumpling more than them.  But when it came down to it, they knew just as well as I did, that it was the best decision for all of us as a family.  They have had great attitudes about the whole move in general.

In case all of that's not enough to justify my lack of writing...

The every day battles of raising two hormonal girls haven't gone away.  For some reason the 14 year old despises shaving...to the point that the words "I think my leg hairs might have split ends" came out of her mouth.  GAG!!!

My baby turned 12 three weeks ago...and promptly "became a woman" the following week.  I realize the whole topic is fascinating, but I do NOT need to know how many times you had to change your pad...every hour.  The child talked of nothing else for a solid week.  Her teacher gave her a neat little care package that had coupons for your typical feminine products.  Instead of just giving me the coupons, she READ them to me WORD.FOR.WORD on the way to school one morning.  GAG!!!

Poor Dumpling.  He went from living alone to being overrun by females.  He's been a trooper...but I assure you, he is delighted now that it's hunting season and he can escape every other weekend or so.

The girls spent the night out on Sat. night.  One with their dad and one with his parents.  When I met their dad to get them on Sunday afternoon it was immediately evident that neither of them had taken their ADHD meds.  If you don't know my children, let me explain what that means.  They are more like cracked out monkeys on speed than they are civilized human beings.  If only one of them is un-medicated it's usually manageable, but BOTH?  That's BAD!!  It can go one of three ways. 

1. They're going to team up together and purposely drive me INSANE with their out of control shenanigans.  Leading to me probably losing my shit and them losing their freedom and electronics.

2. One is going to annoy and pick at the other until they lose their shit.  Leading to one or both of them losing their freedom and electronics.

3. We're all going to bounce of the walls together until someone pees their pants or loses their shit.  Which typically leads to the loss of freedom and electronics.

Here's how Sunday went: Their dad was obviously ready to choke them both when I met him...to which I responded with "welcome to my world".  He gave Slou a talking to on respecting me and behaving, but of course that fell on deaf ears since there was no magic medicine running through her veins.  I prayed that they would calm down by the time we got home...they DID NOT.  

I told them that one of them needed to clear the stairs and vacuum the stairs and their bedrooms and the other needed to clean their bathroom.  This prompted Slou to accuse me of being a slave driver and threatening to call the police and her quickly being snatched by her hair and sent upstairs to cool herself down with a shower...and then clear the stairs and vacuum.

Which of course delayed Beelay cleaning the bathroom...and SHAVING
HER MAN LEGS!!!  I thought she was upstairs, when I heard her scream something like "Stop it! I'm sleeping! Get out of my bed!!!!"  I was wrong.  She was in MY bed and Dumpling was trying to wake her lazy butt up and kick her out so he could watch football in our bedroom.  Eventually she comes running and screaming...and laughing into the living room, swinging a belt over her head and Dumpling right behind her with a belt of his own.  The sight was so ridiculous I almost peed myself then.

He finally got the bedroom cleared and locked himself in so he could have some peace and quiet...hahahaha.  I eventually had to take Beelay's phone away and told her she could have it back when she was done with the bathroom and shaving.  It was about this time they teamed up together, because that little snot, Slou told her sister where I'd hidden her phone.  I realized what she was doing before she actually laid hands on it, so I grabbed it and with her on my back, ran to my bedroom door (where there is a small opening between the slats) and slid her phone just out of her reach...it is at this EXACT moment that I do in fact WET MY PANTS!!!  

So in the end, after tears of laughter and pain and a change of dry clothes...all of the expected chores were complete and another day ended without DFACS being called.  That my friends is what I call success.   

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